Bad Poly - No Cracker

"You clearly don't know what poly is, so maybe I should re-evaluated OUR relationship!"

The line that prompted this post.

The line said by the spouse of my best friend.

A line said when he lashed out her, in anger, because she set a boundary.

It's funny because when she relayed this to me - in tears - I think the steam was starting to come out of my ears.  Why (besides the obvious)?  Because this is a clear cut case of bad poly - or, poly used to try to excuse the selfishness of one partner.

And for me - someone who has experience with good poly both as the partner of a spouse in a poly relationship as well as in a good poly relationship myself, I hate hate HATE seeing someone give poly as a concept a bad name.

Look, I'm not going to go into a situation that is kind of like a stay-at-home mom vs a working mom debate.  I think whatever model works for you and the people in it is critical.  But if it stops working, you have to stop doing it and re-evaluate.  The risk is too great.

And I'm sorry but "it's because I want this" isn't the right answer.

It's the childish answer.

And that, is not poly.

I can only speak to my experience. But poly for me is selfless.  It is communication at a degree that is almost funny to listen to.  It's about making sure everyone in the relationship is getting what they need.  It doesn't require friendships all around, but it does require respect.  Respect over the people and their needs - among all partners.  Respect over the relationships and what they do positively to the other relationships.  And it requires caring.  It requires understanding that fair is not always equal and equal is not always fair.

Let's dive into a few of things.

Poly is selfless.  It's about understanding that you are not what it is all about.  You are not the one who gets all needs met while others have to compromise.  It means compromising when you need to do it.  It's about making sure you can balance everyone else's needs and your own.  It's about taking into consideration the other partners - internal consideration - and acting upon it.

It's not about getting upset because others have needs and you don't want to think about them as it might cut into your "play time".  It's not all about you - it's about everyone.

Which is why communication is required - not basic communication but advanced communication skills.  It's about being able to speak and listen in a way that communicates where you are at, why something upset you, etc.  And having the ability to listen and work through how to keep it from happening again.  It's about pushing aside the overly emotional responses of anger - and realizing that in order to make this all work - you have to be willing to hear the hard stuff and respond as an adult.  Not with rage or accusations or blackmail or bullying techniques.

While shit happens and it can happen, it's also about stepping back after such a bad communication and saying "I'm sorry - that was not fair to you."  Because if everyone can't speak freely and honestly in all directions, that's not good.  It is a prime breeding ground for lying and deception.  And that is NOT poly - that's cheating.

Making sure everyone is getting what they need is an interesting one as it requires respect.  Let me give you a real world example.  SB has had something happen in his life that is sudden and not easy to process.  Upon hearing this, G's first response was "if he needs you - you go be there for him. that is the right thing to do - so don't worry about things here - I've got them handled."  He did not offer this once but three times in the past week.  Why? Because he respects SB.  He respects the relationship we have - and it is the right thing to do to make sure that SB gets the support he needs without worrying that it could cause other issues in the other relationship.  It is respect coupled with the right thing to do.  The human thing to do.

Now where this can go sideways is when one of the partners is always in crisis and is always expecting to have people at their beckon call without issue.  While that is a nice idea, this starts going into squeaky wheel space whereby one partner figures out how to get all of the attention by just being louder.  That is bad poly.

Good poly is alway respecting the other partners.  In that case above, I thanked G repeatedly for being so willing to take on more of the parenting responsibility and such because of what was going on.  I made sure he realized how much I appreciated his respect for my relationship with SB but for the understanding of what was happening.  It's funny because a few weeks ago when all things were open in terms of where I could be one night, SB weighed into it all with "you know - you should be at home. Not because I don't want you, but it feels like the right thing for the situation.  I'll take you home with me if you decide to do that, but I feel that this is a time for being with G."

So interesting how consideration and respect and communication can go a long LONG way.

In my friend's case, I don't know what to advise her.  Close the relationship and fix the core relationship is the logical step, but given her spouse is in the land of the selfish complicates things.  Makes me wonder if he can snap out of it so it can be saved.

All I know it this - poly is not easy. It takes a lot of fucking juggling.  But it has a great reward when it works and all pistons are firing right - with all the different relationships.  When you hit that stride, it feels worth it - it feels like it's right - it feels good.  And no one is left behind.

For when people start feeling left behind, it can be the beginning of the end especially if no one else notices or cares.

Motivational Monday

The universe has a way of closing a door and opening a window.  Don't stop looking for the window.

Simple and true. It's easy to complicate simple things.  Over thinking something that has no more or less meaning than is in the words.  

This is where your strength lies - your power - is in your experiences and in your story and in your vision.  Don't ever underestimate it - or let someone think it is not important.

Know this - you can either change someone for good or bad.  Don't waste it.  Use your powers for good.  Not evil.

Feeling Blessed

Daddy.

My other love.

SB.

My boy friend.

No matter what I call him.  Nothing seems to capture all of how he makes me feel.  I wrote months ago about how it's easy for people to call what we were going through as NRE (or new relationship energy) - but it didn't feel that way.  Nearly six months later, and that feeling has not changed.  I feel our energy not waning but growing.  As we giggle our asses off at each other during a kink scene - feeding each other energy that just takes things higher and higher.  Instead of settling into a routine where it risks much of the same.

And the way I feel about him is doing the same.

He is truly my other love.

Had I not learned so much about energy during my tantra classes last year, I would not understand some of the connections we have.  I would not understand the buzzing I feel when I touch him and him me after a scene.  I would not understand why we seem to know when we each are feeling things that require the other.  We seem to have a connection I have only found with few others.

And it's amazing.

He came to dinner last night - dinner with the kids - dinner and a zombie movie.  He walked in - the kids said hello - displayed their craziness as I expected - and we had a good night.  He and I were curled up together on the couch.  DJ was sitting next to me while Indigo sat in a chair.  And we laughed, made snarky comments, and just enjoyed the night.  A relaxing "family night" if you will.  And it felt so incredibly right.  Hell, the kids just accepted them as he belonged - and acted accordingly. No best behavior here.

Funny how life goes.

I would not change it.  For to change it would be to miss the opportunity to connect with a man who has brought so much into my life.  Things I didn't realize I needed. But things I would not trade for anything.

I am truly blessed.....

....and loved.

Random Photos

Off

I felt off the minute I woke up this morning.  While I slept like a log, the idea of just pulling the covers back up and over my head seemed like the right course of action.  So I did until necessity dictated I actually get up and go to work.  

I have been having disjointed dreams this week.  And while in the past, pieces of those dreams upon analysis in a dream dictionary would yield growth themes - struggles I was trying to overcome, patterns I was trying to break, etc.  My dreams lately have all had themes of contentment, satisfaction, sex (positive meanings), and happy themes.  Just all dreams in weird ways - in weird themes that even have me going "what the fuck is that all about?"  

I don't often dream - but when I do, I think my subconscious tries to play catch-up leaving me tired and disjointed as I wake up. 

Then work has been, well, work.

I don't feel like I can find the cadence right now.  I'm surrounded by people who seem content in the chaos, in the crises, even if it is all self-made and artificial.  At one point today, I had three email strings with most of the same people on it, discussing the same exact issue, but coming at it from different angles.  And I felt like the crazy one when I finally yelled STOP to them all.

Yeah, when I'm off, tact is out the fucking window.

Someone announced in a meeting that I was being mean for doing that.  While half of the room nodded in agreement that I could be mean, I pointed out that I get shit down - so buck-up.  They all nodded.

Then we went on to discuss everything - EVERY.FUCKING.THING that could be behind schedule because of this or that reason - is behind schedule.  Imagine that feeling - looking at the huge to-do list - in my case 43 countries - and realizing that they are all off their rails with major issues.  What a great feeling!

And on top of work, I have friends going through some poly crap, I mean, fun.  A breakup between one and his partner has caused old habits to re-emerge. Old habits that have his primary partner wanting to wallop him, but at the same time wanting to wallop the former partner.  Games abound.  And hearing this - trying to be a good friend - takes a lot out of me. Seems I cannot escape the venting sometimes.

I know there are other drivers for me feeling off.  No need to list them all.  Just funny how "feeling off" can sort of have a domino effect on things.  How forgetting about some "self care" can just feed that "off" cycle.

Guess I need to take care of me tonight.  It's time to try to turn the "off feeling" off, if I can.  (And turn off my cell phone.)

Else, this will just continue.  I know how this works for me.

Oh, and let's talk about the weird factor too while we are at it.

I have a person who has pushed me away, publicly bash me (while not naming me exactly) who has all of a sudden showing up by "adding" me back into her online life.  Seeing that today has resulted in a WTF feeling.  

Then there is the bus that was surrounded by police in front of my building.  Turns out a male passenger ejaculated into the hair of a female passenger in front of him.  WTF?!?  Apparently that took 6 police officers to deal with that one.  (That is how many I counted.)

Yeah, no wonder I'm in a weird headspace.

Motivational Monday

Something I am re-learning myself.

AMEN!  Happy sigh - amen.  

Yes! When we get caught up on our mistakes, we are unhappy.  All people make mistakes.  Accept it and move on.  Oh, and don't forget the lesson it taught you.

Gotta love Dr Seuss.

Mother's Day - Reflections on Being a Mom

SB said to me a few weeks ago: "I am glad you had the chance to be a mom."

We had been talking about kids - and our different views on it.  I was pretty indifferent about having kids - truth be told.  While many would have killed G and me for not having had that conversation before marriage, I just didn't care.  Have them - don't have them - whatever.

So when G announced we were going to start a family a year from that day, I was sort of like "huh?"  When did he ask me??  And who said I wanted kids.

Apparently - it worked out.  Two kids later - two girls, born to a woman who was surrounded by boys.  And I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Funny how the universe gives you what you need.  And I guess I needed two kids - two strong willed, smart assed girls to raise.

Thank the deity of your choice.

I love them.  I am always in awe of how they are.  I am in awe of how they look at the world - at how they are figuring out how to relate to the world.  I somethings look at these kids -both of whom are almost as tall if not taller than me, and I am blown away.  We created that.  We did that.  We nurtured them to the point they are at today.

Wow.

Today, we had brunch at our house - three generations of women under one roof - my mom, G's mom, me, and the girls.  We laughed.  We worked together. We ate.  And it was great.

I couldn't help but think of my own grandma when my mom yelled up at DJ and told her to wear whatever she wanted - it was more important she was with us than it was what she was dressed like.  It didn't matter.  She was perfect the way she was - the way she is.  And yes, my mom said that.

And as Indigo cleared the table, my MIL gave her a hug in thanks.  "I can't believe how big she's getting - almost as tall as DJ."   Yeah, I know that feeling.

There are times when I'm sure it would have been easier for me not having them while handling other things.  But a good sailor is not made by calm waters - it is made by rough seas.

I am a better person in many ways - all because I'm called Moe - my kids' name for me.

Funny how the universe gives you what you need.

Thank you for it.

I love them - and would have it no other way.