For example, I am organized; he generally is not. I take a very logical approach to situations; he generally takes a more emotional approach. What will piss me off will usually make him take a less ... um....colorful approach. I can look at a situation, see the parts making it up, and systematically approach it. Garbanzo can't see the forest for the trees, gets overwhelmed, and wants to hid under his desk. He can be Mr Social which balances my occasional anti-social nature.
While these are generalities that aren't 100%, these are some good generalizations. There are times where Garbanzo can surprise me. Like the summer he decided to tear out the chain link fence and put up a privacy fence. He was organized just short of a Gantt Chart. Made the project manager in me swoon. The construction workers who were building the compound next door approached him asking who was doing the work as they might want to hire him. Garbanzo proudly said he was doing it himself. He had deliveries scheduled and arriving on time, everything. It was amazing. And, it was done during the weekend - delivered on schedule and on budget. And, during these times, I don't worry about stuff getting done. I don't have to be detailed because he's doing it. I can follow his lead on the project and help versus having to take it over and lead it.
Then, Garbanzo goes through cycles about once every 5 years like he is on now. If you read his blog, his vacation is off to a great start. I must publicly admit that I was not part of the trip planning, so I had no idea when his flight was. Hell, until today, I had never seen an itinerary. We have an online family calendar (I'm a geek, of course it's online) - yet it isn't updated. We had one on the wall at home until it was just as unused.
When he is in these ruts, I have two choices. I can be like his mommy and ask what is going on each day, check his email for plans he may have forgotten to include me in on, and nag him about everything. Or, I can let it go realizing I already have two kids - I never signed up for a third. Obviously my current approach is the latter. (I don't do nagging well; I tried. I usually just get mad - then there is lots of yelling, swearing, and leaving so I don't break something. I have a temper - I blame my DNA. That and I have issues with acting like a mom to someone I'm married to. Too creepy for me.)
What I discovered today is a new element to our yin-yang, my dear husband doesn't have the ability to prioritize what is on his mental to-do list. A list of what he really needs to worry about and what he needs to simply let go. That test that he posted the other day - the one where most of the kids failed. You see, that's on his mental to-do list. "Teach kids study techniques to make the parents happy and hopefully get the kids to actually study the two page study guide I make for them each test so they can pass the test." This comes on the same list as create the study guide, create the lesson plans for in class studying for two days, and make the test from the study guide. He takes kids failing personal. Sign of a great teacher, but one that will have an incredibly short career if he doesn't learn to let go of some of it.
A normal person....okay, me (not to imply I'm normal).....I would look at all of that and say to the parents that we will look into a middle school wide studying technique adoption next year. Until then, your kid has two pages of what may be on the test. At least half of those "examples" will be on the test. They need to study instead of going to the 4-hours of scheduled after school extracurricular activities. Oh, and I would probably remind them that in high school, the teachers aren't going to care if they didn't know how to study. Figure it out, get a tutor, find a friend - whatever. (The high school the kids will be going to happens to be the one Garbanzo graduated from....he knows this from experience; and it is one of the best high schools in the city academically.) Then, I would focus on actually teaching. Not Garbanzo - nope - he will fret about all of it - giving it all equal weight and priority. And, looking at each failure as the possible reason the school rating could go down next year. Again - it's the way his mind works.
Just like communication style. He read an email sent to me recently and totally misconstrued a point made in it. I am a direct person, so people tend to be direct with their communications to me. I appreciate it. Takes guess work out of what is going on as all of the cards are on the table. Garbanzo doesn't get communicated to like that - so he tries to read things into it that may or may not be there. He can't believe it. He must do something. He feels bad and can't just sit on his hands waiting to find out if he misread it or if it is true. He must act now. He is what I call a people person - cares about feelings, cares about making everyone feel good, etc. Not that I think that's bad....caring is good. Caring too much - can be bad especially if you are caring about the wrong things.
Then, we have to layer on the worrying. Garbanzo worries about everyone and everything. Did he say something that may have hurt their feelings? Did he handle that situation correctly? What are they going to say? And the list goes on and on and on.
Rugby used to help him keep this stuff in balance. Have a bad day at work, feel stressed? Go out and tackle your teammates hard at practice. Take it out on the adults on the team. Then go out afterwards for a beer and dinner with these guys. I think this may be some of the issue. No physical outlet of his stress and worry and all of that. And, I've been told that sex doesn't help in the same way, but he's willing to try more if necessary.
I am hoping that the time on vacation gets him de-stressed and back into balance. I am hoping we have reached the tipping point where he will dump it all and start again - this time with more forethought as to how he will deal with this shit. Because personally, I need a long break. It's getting hard to keep things in balance. But, as I keep reminding myself, this is the worse in the "for better or for worse" that they were talking about during that little ceremony about 14 year ago. He's lucky - the better still far outweighs the worse. We just need to make sure it stays that way.
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