Wednesday, September 28, 2011
What I want versus what I can have sends me into a tailspin of annoyance, frustration and anger.
I lash out.
I hit hardest those closest. Pushing them way in a way that makes me feel like that picture.
I lose sight of what is important as I get fixated on the thing I cannot control.
And it pisses me off.
And I'm an oversized lizard destroying things like - well, a toddler tossing and kicking its toys.
It's funny because when it is an emergency that I'm stressed about, the thing I'm fixing gives me a focal point to direct my energy. I can throw it all there, control it, and get it done. And when I do push people around in that vein, it is for a cause. People understand that and get out of the way or help.
But when it's outside of it.
I just get sensitive.
I take everything wrong.
I am quick to respond in a non-productive way.
I stop asking questions and start making assumptions.
I am simply not a good person.
I've been doing that lately.
And it's wrong.
And there are no excuses.
And I come out the other side of these feelings seeing the destruction left behind.
And I worry that there aren't enough "I'm sorrys" to repair what has been done.
I'm not easy.
I wish, under stress, my modus operandi was different.
I wish I could, while in the storm, stop the downward slide.
Because I really don't like crushing feelers. It is never my intent.
And for that, I am truly sorry.