Photos: Flora (again)

daffodil

blooming white flowers

blossom soup as made by the neighbor kids

love the purple on these flowers - they look water colored

Glad squares from the VW. Love the blue ones.

I should forewarn that this is the time of the year where I overrun my blog photos with flowers in bloom. Add in my new lens, and you have my apologies now because there will be more to come.

HNT - Birthday Wishes Edition

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling) i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)  ~ee cummings Happy Birthday, G!  I love you. see who else is playing this week by visiting Os. Or OHNT for more fun.

Where There's Smoke....

Jealousy.

It seems to be the subject of conversation I've had with many people lately.  

At Kinkfest, the subject came up after my date and I parted company as he had a scene planned with another play partner.  I had people come up to me the rest of the night asking quietly, "where is he?"  It was an open dungeon  - they all knew where he was and knew who he was with.  When I replied, "oh, he's scening with so-and-so", their response was shocked.  My casualness. My off-the-cuff remark. When a particular person mentioned it to me, I actually went as far as pointing out that we had talked about it beforehand, and he was coming home with me - so I don't care.

I do care, but not in the way they expected.  They seemed to expect drama.  They seemed to expect fireworks. They seemed to expect someone on the edge of being upset that their date had left them for another play mate.  I cared that he had a good time. I cared that he was treated well. I cared that he got out of the scene what he had hoped.  I did not care that the scene was not with me.  

I can feel jealousy.  But, I have learned that jealousy is a response - a reaction to something that is really at the root of the issue.  Jealousy is like the smoke off the fire.  Something in the fire is the issue; the smoke is just the side effect of the fire. 

Knowing this, when I feel those pangs of jealousy creeping up, I do not fret about the jealousy itself, I try to figure out how I got there.  How did that emotional response get triggered.  

Because jealousy is an emotional response to something.  People often, especially in open relationships, respond immediately and swiftly to the word without understanding the issue that is behind that word.  When G had his jealous response a year ago to a date I had with TL, I knew there was more to the situation than just the response, but could not get him to see it.  Once he did, he realized he owned the issue.....he owned the emotion....and only he could solve it. And he realized his jealous response to me was not fair to me. 

Ownership of the issue is key.  No one can make you feel jealous. The situation may be one thing, but the response is your own.  If you keep on top of the issues to begin with, jealousy is not an issue.  You let issues go, then jealousy can get in the way.

Take my own recent bout with the word.

In talking to a play partner, I commented that I wanted more play time, damn it!  We were joking around - and he liked the comment and the determination.  Because I'm me and direct, I commented that I am determined because "I do get a little jealous and insecure when I don't feel like I can get play time. But, that's my issue that I own."  

The word jealous triggered a whole other response from him. I realized quite quickly that I had used "the word".  Later, I talked to him about it again.  One thing that never occurred during out initial conversation was an understanding of why I felt that way.  There were no questions - just containment.  He reacted to the word and went into full containment mode.  

I pointed this out to him.  I commented that had he asked me why I felt that way, he may have been surprised at the answer.  My jealous response was not a result of me wanting only him to myself - or wanting some sort of say in terms of who and when he plays with.  Ironically, my response came from the fact that I wanted him to want me less for my mind sometimes and more for my body.  My issue - the fire behind the jealous feeling- had nothing to do with others.  My issue was just a situation between him and me.

I use this personal example, but I have found it is the case in almost ever other jealous situation.  When you are "open" in swinging or even in BDSM, jealousy is perceived as a huge red flag.  And while it should be seen as a sign something is wrong, the only time jealousy is a problem is if the person feeling it starts ACTING on it.  

Just like any feelings, how you personally respond to the emotion is the true test.  If you get jealous and respond with possessiveness and with control, then the downward spiral begins.  The other person will respond accordingly, thus setting off a domino effect that is hard to stop once started.  

If you understand the emotions are just that - a response to something else - you can ride them instead of fight them.  Work through them instead of use them to justify a reaction that could cause more damage. Use it a signal to yourself that you need to figure out what is causing the smoke.  Then you will find that it will pass.

And if you are on the receiving end of jealousy, you too have the decision as to how you are going to react to the jealous response.  In some cases, 'run away' is an appropriate response.  I mean, crazy is crazy.  I've seen it and advised it.  But, in many cases, it is setting aside your own response to the word to try to sort out what may be behind the response you are getting from that person.  Because sometimes the person you are dealing with cannot figure it out.  Sometimes working through it with them is of greater value than being freaked out by  their use of the word.

Jealousy happens. To pretend it does not or to label it as good or bad prevents people from actually dealing with the fire behind it.  I wish more people would embrace it for what it is - a smoke signal.

Because at the end of the day, I rarely find the jealousy is about other people.  I find it is about insecurity - not feeling valued in other ways - or not getting something they need from their partner. Targeting other people as the cause of the jealousy is a cop out - it takes a bigger person and strength to recognize that and deal with the real issue.

Photo: Grilling Heads

Engine heads for a VW to be specific.  Our kitchen and stove became a pseudo exam room for them.  In the end, success was had.  A matching set - no cracks.  Keep your fingers crossed that this is the start of an engine rebuild!

A Collar

“Hang on a second,” he said as he pulled me to a stop.

He lifted his bag onto the table and started searching through its pockets until he found it. Then he held it up for me.

A black leather collar.

I squirmed inside and out - squirmed from excitement and arousal. A response I never would have expected to have had.

He had mentioned making me a collar a few months before. He had mentioned it as we were out with our kids actually. We were in a bookstore. The kids were off looking for books, and he and I had been chatting when he announced suddenly that he needed to make me a collar.

In that moment, I was aroused instantly. My breath was caught in my throat. My mind was already on how that would play out - me, him and a collar.

I realized later that I had not really communicated well my response - the physical response sort of took away from my words. I mentioned that I liked the idea when I spoke with him. He said he had gotten that impression despite my lack of articulation.

A few weeks later, he pinged me on chat. “How big around is your neck?” A random question that took me out of my work and mentally into the bedroom with him. I joked that he has had his hands around my neck enough - he should know already. He guessed what he thought it was, I confirmed he was right. And the conversation went back to other things.

Standing in the dungeon, he showed me the collar. I was excited. I turned around and moved my hair out of the way, so he could put it on me. Feeling the leather laying flat against my neck elicited the same response I get when his hand goes around my throat. In a strange way, it causes me to relax - to exhale - to know I am in his hands - to know he will take care of me - to know I’m his to do with what he pleases. The collar, like his hand, cause the same response. I was his and in his hands.

Once I felt his hands finish buckling it, I turned and looked up at him. The happiness and satisfaction was all over his face. I tilted my head up, kissed him, and simply said “thank you”.

Later, as we got into the car, he stopped me realizing he needed to take the collar off. I was surprised I had not realized it myself, but turned around and let him remove it from me. My neck felt naked where it had been.

The act of him collaring me before we play is relatively new but my reaction surprises me each time. I like that feeling of ownership - the symbolism of him making me his own. That transfer of power - power that was already his, but symbolically becomes his when he puts it on me.  I like it all - all of those feelings I have when that leather touches my neck.

POD - Something on a Stick Day

Today was Something on a Stick Day.
The family reminded me .... repeatedly.

So I made them cookies on a stick.

It worked.

They were happy.

The end.

Sunday's Pics and Other Random Stuff

Last night, SmugMug was apparently having some site issues that prevented me from getting to my pics to post.

Those of you who have followed me for a while will recognize the theme that seems to emerge this time of the year - the plant photos.   I can't help it.  Between the new foliage and the new macro lens, I definitely have a subject I enjoy shooting.

It had been raining a bit before I took these pics, then the sun came out in a rare appearance.  The lighting was perfect.  These are all straight out of the camera.

The yellow is perfect, in my opinion.

Saturday, G and I went to a wine bar and watched belly dancers and burlesque style dancing as well.  It was quite entertaining to see the various styles of bell dancers.  There were some women who were almost acrobatic in how they were doing their dances - their flexibility and strength were amazing.

Others came out and teased the crowd.  And the live music that accompanied some of the dancers was great.  My only regret was not bringing along my camera.  The lighting was great - and would have made for some fabulous photos.  Next time.

This phenomenon is so totally true.  No matter how much you say "it's silly" or "it doesn't matter" - the more you realize a part of you doesn't think its silly and it does matter.  Sometimes emotions are like a wave - you just have to ride it - not fight it.  Easier said than done somedays.

And I love this feeling:

May everyone's monday be filled with those random remembering :)

Photos: Wandering The Pearl

POD - From The Past

Here is a teaser of the photos I've been taking over the past few weeks.  Click on it to see the real photos on my SmugMug site.

e[lust] #24

Photo Courtesy of Kitten's Toys

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #25? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Women, Swinging, and Seduction – From Meeting to Fucking in the Swinging Lifestyle: “My wife wants to drop out of swinging and instead have an open relationship…” announced a good friend of mine..

The Scent of a Woman (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love my Snatch): Years back, during a scene, I had my dominant lean in and whisper lasciviously that he could “smell my wet pussy” and I started to cry.

5 Kinky Toys from the Office Supply Store: If you’re a nerd like me, you find the idea of office supplies a little bit arousing already but Pet & I paid a recent visit with an even more focused purpose — finding the best pervertibles Staples had to offer.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Two Fantasies in One: The sexting progressed from just spanking and fingering to fingering both my holes, to slipping a butt plug in to punish me for being a naughty girl. By the time Tuesday came around we were both very horny and on edge to get together.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Ethics in Blogging: Ethics don’t always equal human kindness/respect for others. You can be a snarky, grumpy shit-stirrer but still be ethical. You can be sweet as pie on the outside and be unethical.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable ~after this point~. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Barriers

Being a Slut

Bush. Confession #556

Effects of Effexor

Honesty and Courtesy

#LadyPornDay

Master and Slave?

My Experiences with Porn

Question Month: #1

Thoughts on Porn by Holden

What if His Is Much Larger Than Mine? – His & Hers Perspectives on Cock Size And Swinging

Wet Pussy

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Introducing the charity spanking anthology

Kink & Fetish

A Negotiated Spanking

Cuff Me to the Bed

Don't Let Go

given

I Want In

Sexlopedia: Edge Play

Sex as a Tool

Sometimes

The cute checkout girl browsed my bare cleavage

Worth The Wait

Erotic Writing

Back to the scene of the crime

blood/lust [pt.one]

Deals

dirty me...

Hooray for Half Term

Honey, I'm Home

I Like Your Dream

Naughty Nurse Night At The Swingers Club

On Eating Pussy

Our Nectars

personal records

Returned

Short Dress. High Heels. Margaritas…

Sex With A Friend Part 1

Traditional Loving?

The fun of firsts

The Power of Seduction

We Begin With Talk Of Drink and Debauchery – Hazy Memories of Desire

Wet Wednesday

Wig Outs and Moments

I don't have them very often, but yesterday was my day to wig out about stuff.  The night before, G and I had a conversation that left a bad taste in my mouth.  I had some other things on my mind about work and life in general that seemed to invite Mr Insomnia (that bastard) into my evening.  I ranted to a friend. I read my book. I watched something mindless.  No avail.  Finally about 2:30am, I fell asleep just so my alarm could go off at 6am.

I was still not happy. It was like my dreams were filled with more noodling on the things driving me a little nutty, and my subconscious added a few more things to the party.  Why not, right? The more, the merrier?

I got my coffee, grabbed my stuff, and headed to work.  I was feeling not like myself which is never a good sign. By 7:30, I had more coffee than most have all day.  In retrospect, that is never a good formula for me - lots 'o coffee + insomnia almost always results in my filter between my brain and my mouth being tossed out the window.

My filter usually keeps my inside voice, well, inside my brain where it belongs.  It usually filters out the comments that inevitably have ramifications later. In short, it reminds me when to keep my mouth shut by keeping my issues to myself and not dumping them on others (or accidentally putting forth that perception).

Add on top of all of this fun the fact that almost immediately I started hearing "well, we tried to convince them but failed" from everyone at work.  The company I have been contracting with has been promising me a job opportunity for a while now - extended my contract several times to make sure they could get the job position open for me.  A week from the end of my current contract, they have no position - no money to extend the contract - but plenty of work for me to do. Most people are working their ass off to keep me here to help make this into a real IT apps organization.  But, no one sees value apparently. Nothing like hearing that repeatedly on a day where the filter is gone, no sleep has really been had, my brain has a list of grievances, and too much coffee has been consumed.

Yeah, collision course.

I won't go into all of the details, but I felt like I pretty much stepped in it with everyone.  Most of it was all good - stuff I probably should have said before - but would have said differently in another frame of mind.  It did result in some good conversations about somethings.  In the end, all was good - but the means by which I got there was, well, not my favorite.

Despite the fact, I know it reassured others that I can have days like these.

What a turn to the week - a week that started off so reflective and positive.

Someone asked me the other day if I was going to write more about the weekend.  More details of things, if you will.  Given I try to say away from the blow-by-blow details and focus instead on moments that stand out for me, I don't think so.  Not to say there were not any other moments that were fabulous - cause there were many  - but they are all snippets of things.

Like after the party on Saturday, coming back home with my date, curled up on the couch, sipping beers in the dark, as we talked about our night in whispers as to not wake the others in the house - both of us trying to come down from the experience of the night so we could sleep.

Or the puppy pile nap we had in our bed the next afternoon.  King sized beds (and doors with locks) rock as it was a great way to end the weekend with four bodies in various states of dress, curled up in a big pile, connected and relaxed and happy.  I know we are all still smiling at the few hours we spent like that as it was a great way to wrap up the weekend.

There are others - many others - but those are mine to smile at when I think about them.
I doubt I will be sharing - sorry,
A they are my own happy thoughts, if you will.

HNT - Gussied Up

click the pic please.

Over the weekend, I actually got gussied up to go out to the dungeon party.  Thanks to the help of my friend, I think this was my favorite outfit of the weekend. And, my date, well, I think he enjoyed the cinching my corset after arriving. A girl's gotta breath while sitting on the way there anyway.   Actually, I enjoyed being cinched - who am I kidding.  And the zipper on the skirt? A definite hit!

See Osbasso to find out who else is playing this week.
Or OHNT for more fun.

Bullets over Wednesday

• The Drop sucks.  For those not familiar with the BDSM concept, it's the emotional and physical response to coming off of the high from a scene.  Emotionally, you feel all over the place - angry, sad, etc.  A stark contrast to the floaty, euphoric high the scene left you with.  After feeling great and happy and in awe of my weekend, yesterday sort of crashed down around me.  It was not my best day.  What complicates it more is when you don't A) recognize what is happening and B) you are surrounded by people who don't understand the phenomenon.  Thankfully I got some good support coming down yesterday - cuddles and talking helped tremendously.  I slept hard for the first time in days. In fact, I almost stayed in bed and slept all day. Emotionally, I'm feeling much better - but now my body is ready to recover.  All that being said, I would do that weekend again. Guess, in the future, I just need to schedule a cuddle date two days after it ends to help.

• Work is still up in the air.  I'm a week away from being without a contract. Everyone LOVES the idea of me staying around  - loves it.  But, no one wants to pony up the bucks to make it happen. But everyone expects it to happen anyway.  Like I told one of the other IT managers yesterday, I know how this game is played. They lull my boss into thinking they will allow his budget overage.  Then, six months later, they will nail him publicly for being far over his budget and deny ever giving him the green light to do it.  I know where he's coming from.  But this game doesn't help me.  

• My family is on spring break this week. You know how much that it sucks to get up when no one else has to get up - and leave when no one else has to leave.  I think everyone should have a mandatory spring break.  There is definitely something to be said about taking the time off to just relax.

• I need to update my blog with all of my photos. I have them, just haven't had time to post them....or read blogs .... or anything.  I stumbled across this woman's project and decided that anyone who thinks the 365Project is hard should look at her challenge.  It's quite awe inspiring.

• I've been pretty impressed with some Audrey Hepburn quotes I have been stumbling across lately:

"The best thing to hold onto in life is each other."

(a-men to that one!)

"People, even more than things, need to be restored, renewed, revived and redeemed. Never throw anyone out"

(to be honest, this is why i think i give people way too many chances - i believe everyone can be redeemed - or almost anyone.)

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone."

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!"

"Living is like tearing through a museum. Not until later do you really start absorbing what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book, and remembering - because you can't take it in all at once."

(i think this one describes how i've been feeling after the weekend)

Happy Wednesday!

Endorphin Crash

“How about a flogging?” he asked after we had taken a trip around the ginormous dungeon space.  He had given me the taste of the flogger before - and each time I loved it.  So, I agreed rather readily.  

He glanced around the space to see if he could find an appropriate place, then took my hand and led me to a St Andrews Cross.  I was excited - I wanted to play - and the energy of the room was good - the music, the people, the lights, my date - yes, I wanted this to happen.

He helped me up onto the platform, then opened his bag.  He took out two bundles of rope and began the process of binding each wrist with one end of the rope leaving the other end free for now.  And once each end was bound, he turned me around and tied me to the rings on the cross - arms spread.   His hands were on me as he did it.  When he was done, he moved my hair to the side then asked me in my ear - “how are you doing?”  “Good” was my easy reply.

His hands were on my body again as he slowly started taking off my corset caressing my skin as it was exposed.  Then, he moved down to my skirt - unzipped it, then had me step out of it.  I was left tied to the cross in my stockings and black heels.

I felt him leave me and return to his bag.  The music and excitement was pulsing through my body as I was left there to wiggle - waiting for it to begin - as I swayed to the beat of the music.

He brought the flogger to my back - caressing my skin with his sensually - like he was introducing me to it and it to me.  The response simply made me wiggle more - moving to the music.

The first strikes with the flogger simply awoke my skin. They felt like light touches on my back and ass and thighs.  The rhythm of his strokes combined with the music made me simply wiggle and sway as he did it - like I was dancing to the flogger.  I loved the sensation.

He paused for a moment and I felt his breath on my neck near my ear “how does it feel?”.  “Great” was my simply response.  Then he left me again and resumed his pattern of strokes of the flogger on my back.  It started feeling more like a good massage - as he changed the pattern and the strokes became more thuddy.  I moaned as each one hit my body - savoring the sensation - and  moving along with the feelings.

Suddenly, he landed one that pushed that pleasure-pain boundary.  The stroke’s initial sting dissolved into pleasure quickly as he delivered the next one.  After several, he came up and stroked my back asking “how are you doing?” “Good” was my simple response.

And I was good. It felt like a good strong massage - like it was working out the kinks in my body. I savored the sensation as I felt my stresses rapidly leave my body as he found his rhythm each time he would resume.

This pattern continued. He kicked up the strokes of his flogger - intermingling the harder strokes with the more gentle in a rhythm.  I was feeling great…

…..until I was not.

I noticed that I had stopped moving - wiggling to the music.  I was leaning more against the cross - my hands were on the ropes.  And the flogging stopped as suddenly as I had.

“Are you still okay” was the voice in my ear.

“No, I need down - now.”

I was crashing.  I was hot. I was overloaded. The endorphins. The music. The noise. While I was feeling good - while I was not hurting in a bad way but in the nice way I love - my body was giving me the big fuck you.  My body didn’t care about how I felt mentally.  It was done and was going to make sure I got that message whether I liked it or not.  I needed out of that space - now.

His hands moved quickly as he unknotted the ropes from the rings on the cross.  And once free, I had to get out of there - I had to get away from the beats and the noise, so I headed for the door with ropes still attached to my wrists.

I’ll be honest in saying that I have no idea how I got from where we had been scening to the curtain where the door was.  The moment I got on the other side of the curtain, I had to sit down because I felt like I was going to fall down if I didn’t.  I slumped against the wall and put my head between my hands forcing myself to breath.

He was right behind me - closer than I realized and sat down right in front of me - keeping people between me and him.  I had no idea if he did it intentionally, but I liked it.  He started talking to me.  Apologized that he was going to leave me for a second to grab some water saying to himself almost that he should have had some on him already.  He placed his shirt around my shoulders and left to get some for me.  I sat there just trying to come down from this overload - breathing - focusing on it all. I tried to force myself to ride the waves of emotion and sensation and everything that had washed over me - trying ride it instead of fight it.  What seemed like seconds later, he was back handing me water which he told me to drink - and I did as I was told knowing it would help.

I don’t remember him removing the ropes from my wrists.  I know he made them go away.  He then pulled me into him and started holding me.  Knowing me, I probably apologized.  I don’t recall much of what I was saying at that point.  But, he remember he kept checking in - kept me close - and got me to a point where I could stand up and go all the way out the dungeon area.

We found a spot to sit, and I curled up against him. He continued giving me the after care I needed.  I could tell at this point that I had freaked him out.  This doesn’t happen to me often - a situation where I can’t power through it - but instead fall flat showing weakness.  I came down from it all, and we started talking a bit more.  We talked about what led up to the crash.  We discovered we both had jumped into doing this without really laying groundwork.  I mean, this was my first public scene in a dungeon - not simply public sex which I’m an old hand at.  Also, that kind of flogging was new for me too. While he had used a flogger on me before, it was never in this way.  We talked through it. I’m sure I apologized some more because it is my way.  And he kept checking in with me.  He took care of me until I was able to go back inside the dungeon to get dressed.

I recovered from it all. We wandered around waiting for our next planned activity of the night.  I continued to hydrate and tried to get some sugar into me.  The dungeon made it easy for me to do both. He kept me close - he continued to take care of me.  And kept checking in to make sure all was well.  When I went off alone to get water, he almost came and found me when an impromptu conversation kept me from returning.

The night ended on a high note as our planned fun went off without a hitch. We went home sort of in our own heads having had a decent night.

The next day, he went to the classes with his wife. I went with the family to taekwondo testing.  And despite the fact we woke up in the same house, we never had a chance to talk or debrief after the night.  When we met up later, I took him aside so we could talk.  I was honestly stressed about the night. I wanted to be a good date - I wanted to play again, but I was, to be honest, gun shy.  I did not want a repeat of the night before.

Dialog and communication are always harped on - even by me - when it comes to having an open relationship.  I usually go on about it with regards to the primary partner - the spouse.  What I learned this weekend was how important it was to have it with a play partner - especially kinky ones.

When I told him I wanted to talk about last night, he immediately said he wanted to as well.  He had been thinking about it - and talking about it - and wanted me to know that I did nothing wrong.  We were in a situation where the sounds kept him from being able to communicate clearly.  Add to it, there was the distance for him administering the flogging. That created even less of a connection - a connection that is necessary to ensure this stuff doesn’t happen.

I reassured him that I felt he did great in terms of reading my body language - knowing I was in trouble at pretty much the same time I knew.  He apologized for not moving fast enough - I thanked him for moving fast enough. It was kind of funny how the things he worried about doing wrong; I found he did right. 

I told him I was gun shy about the upcoming night. I was worried I was going to be a bad date.  Going along with him to the dungeon party only to not do a scene with him.  He assured me I was not going to have a bad night - he already had a plan.  A plan that would make sure this didn’t happen again.

It’s funny how with a little communication things turned around for me. My anxiety about the night was replaced with excitement again.   I went into the night relaxed - feeling like he was going to take care of me.  If anything, I stressed a bit about what to say to the guy who wanted to scene with me that night.  He and I are just getting to know each other, and given the night before, I was worried he may not spot the warning signs as well as my date did.  In the end, it was no big deal. His dance card was full.  And I enjoyed my night without the stress.

I am very lucky to have my friend as a play partner. And I am grateful his wife let me experience the weekend with him as my date. A night that could have ruined my weekend was turned around quite easily because of our friendship - because he knows me better than just in a scene.  While I know that has created some of its own issues at times,. I'm quite lucky to have him as a friend.

Thank you, sexy.

Processing

I sat down in front of the computer last night with a blank document on the screen, my brain jumbled with the events and moments of the weekend.  I intended to write - whatever it was that was in there - whether it be a blog post, something I keep for myself - or share with a select few.  I had hoped that by pouring the jumbled thoughts on the page that maybe I could make sense of them - sort through them so that I can get a handle on how this weekend went other than the mere "it was great".

Don't get me wrong - it was great.  I have no complaints.  I am happy with everything.  I guess the reason for the jumbled thoughts can be explained by stealing the word my friend has been using to describe the weekend - epic.

It was epic.

Good word for it.

I chatted with another friend briefly last night who in the middle of it all said randomly "you are really happy, aren't you?"  I was - I am.

Happy.

Awestruck.

Content.

Satiated.

Grateful.

Happy.

All seem like words that don't quite capture the feelings of it all.

So, I started typing - trying to get something out - trying to make sense of it all.  All that I experienced. All that I saw. All that I felt.  And, I realized how personal it was all - how raw it still felt.  I realized how much I still have to process.

I wrote on Twitter yesterday evening how blessed I felt.  A great family.  Great friends.  A fabulous weekend.  Sometimes life hands you so much good that you can feel overwhelmed by it all.  It's funny to consider that one - because we all prepare and worry about life handing us too much bad to handle - that I think, for me, having too much good is almost more overwhelming.  What to do with those good feelings - how to express them.  What a problem to have!

As I process, I will likely share moments that stand out in my mind. Until then, I'm going to enjoy this afterglow feeling.  And try to keep my head on work.

A Wiggly Friday

I work for an environmental consulting company. I won't get any more specific about what kind, etc as the market the company falls into is a pretty small arena - like maybe 5 companies in the US.  Can't give away too much.

When we moved into our new space, they equipped everyone with the latest energy savings devices.  You know those rooms where the lights go off if motion is not detected?  Well, that is my cube as well.  If I do not move enough or if the sensor is bumped, it will turn off my desk lamp as well as my monitor.  Days where I am feverishly typing something, I can lose my monitor because of I am not moving enough.  This usually happens multiple times throughout the day.

Today, that will not be a problem.

Tonight starts Kinkfest, and I have plans to attend as much as possible all weekend.  (Moe duty has to come first with TKD testing.)  I haven't been this excited about an event in a while.  Kinda sad, now that I think about it, but it's new - yeah, that's it - I've never attended before which adds to that excitement.

Outside of my spanking a week ago, this will break my one month drought. I have not had any serious playtime with anyone for ....uhm....at least a month.

Needless to say, this drought explains many MANY things about how I've been feeling about things.  I mean, imagine having playmates who cannot play or where there are other things that prevent play from being on the list.

Don't get me wrong - I have G.  I'm not dissing him.  He and I have had our own fun.  I know there could be people who worry about that, but rest assured, I am not forgetting what I have with him.  The itch I've had recently cannot be scratched by him, however.  He knows that - I know that - and we realized a while ago that trying to make it happen between us can either go well or (usually) goes bad as I get frustrated as I have to top from the bottom.  It just isn't our dynamic. When it happens on its own, it is great.  Forcing it doesn't work for us.

I'll be honest. The drought has left me anxious.  I want it to be a good weekend.  I have been more insecure that maybe I let on in terms of how things are headed in certain areas.  It has contributed to my funk.  I am trying not to let those nagging negative things take hold in my brain. Thank whatever power is in the universe for music.

I will have fun.  All will be good.  All will be more than good.  I will get my itch scratched by who I want to scratch it.

My father would be proud - speaking it into existence and all.....

.....just doubt he would EVER in ANY universe approve of what I'm speaking into existence.

Oh well.

I can live with that.

So, I am wiggly today.

I am squirmy.

I am even a bit giddy.

I have outfits planned thanks to the help of friends.

And I have rope with my name on it.

Happy sigh....

Yep, no risk of my monitor going off today.

HNT - St Paddy's Day

"May you live as long as you want, And never want as long as you live." - Irish Blessing

Go visit The Man for more people playing this week.

Or OHNT for more fun.

Wednesday Wanderings through My Mind

• Monday at work, the director who has decided I am no longer needed reminded me and everyone in the room that I was gone in two weeks and it was time to start transitioning things.  It was a strange series of comments that made everyone in the room uncomfortable.  I personally stopped taking action items at that point, and unceremoniously tossed my notebook and pen on the table to make sure it was noted.  I mean, if they are having to learn to live without me, why are they giving me action item?  She is clearly threatened by me and how it could impact her ability to build her empire.  (She's a director with no direct reports - a solo branch on a reporting tree.)  Sadly, she does not know the crap I went through at my last company. I know the game and how to play it - extremely well.  Game on.

I will have to say, there is a part of me that hopes they don't renew my contract.  I could use some time off again - and I would have time for nooners and other middle of the day fun.  So, there is some temptation in not working too hard on keeping this job. Then I look at the bill for things like taekwondo testing and realize it may just be a fantasy.  

Yesterday I was having one of those days where my head was getting me into trouble. A friend from the past would call it the "too much thinking, not enough drinking" days.  Every single thing on my mental check list of things bugging me or churning around inside my noggin' was dispelled as issues within three hours.  Every single one of them.  That never happens. I do credit it to me saying something to a friend who asked what was bouncing around. Speak it out loud and it helps, I guess.  Who knows. It was a pleasant surprise - all of it.  Life is good.

DJ is freaking out about her black belt test this weekend.  She told me a few days ago, she doesn't think she will pass it - but she's okay with that.  I told her to stop thinking that way. I knew she could and would pass it, and I did not want her starting to accept failure before she even had a chance to try.  Do not self-fulfill that prophecy. We talked about the times she surprised herself by being able to do something she didn't think she could.  She is so much like me, it is funny in that way.  But it's good. I know how to flip switches to get her change her thinking.  I reminded her about how "bad she was at math".  Like me, it took a teacher telling her she could do it to get her to see she could do it.  She is now in the highest math group at school.  

We talked about those things. You could see the gears in her brain starting to turn and her thinking starting to shift. DJ rocks. I could go into a long drawn out description as to why - but simply put, she does.  And be assured, this is not a parental love fest - others agree.  I want her to do this one. She has worked her ass off to get here. She has embraced and changed through the experience.  She has already earned it in my opinion - now she needs to prove to herself that she has earned it.  

Plus, I want to see how they fit her name on that black belt.

Lastly, I saw this and decided based on my own experience that this is true...

Outed to a Friend

My friend and I had just emerged from relaxing in the couples lounge. We had come early to help setup for the kink party at the local swingers club and laid in the couple’s lounge talking until the action started picking up.

She had made a bee line for a friend she had seen. Her goal for the night was to introduce me around to all of her friends. I was looking forward to that aspect of the evening, but also hanging out with her. She is a great friend, and life sometimes takes us different directions. It was nice having the time together.

Almost immediately after she started talking to her friend, I heard “I know you”.

And I knew the guy who had just said it.

It was my friend’s husband.

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had come across my friend’s husband on Fetlife. She and I were supposed to get together that weekend, and I was going to come out to her about the open marriage and BDSM stuff. Life got in the way, and it sadly did not happen.

But now it was going to happen - life in the way or not.

His shocked look on his face was quite entertaining. I had known about him, yet he was just making this discovery. I laughed my ass off at his expression.

Then he says to me, “what are we going to tell my wife?”

His wife and I go all the way back to college days. I never had pegged her as a traditionalist in terms of relationships. She was pretty much her own person and was pretty comfortable with herself to discuss pretty much anything. Time and age changed things a bit. We were drifting apart when she moved to the area. It was hard because I had work, kids, and other activities to keep me busy. And she was just trying to get established. Over the past year, things just drifted further apart.

Until now. 

When our world collided.

We joked as to who was qualified to tell her. He told me I’d be meeting his partner later. I told him he may be meeting one of mine too. When he got up to go off with someone, he gave me a hug to “break the ice.”

“Honey, the ice is gone. And all is good.” was my reply.

We went our separate ways. It was odd seeing a friend from the vanilla world in the crowd, but also made me laugh each time I noticed it. The next day, I got a great message from my friend that was entitled “Closet Doors Blown Off Hinges”. I knew things were going to be good.

When I spoke with her the next day, she was giggly. My friend would never be someone I’d describe as giggly, but she was. We talked. We shared. She asked a ton of questions. I answered them. And we just shared.

And it was weird.

In a good way.

I had learned that after her husband ran into me at the club, he went out to the foyer and called her. “Guess who I just ran into?” was how he broke the ice with her. She had been giggling ever since that phone call.

It was funny because her husband knew the one who gave me the spanking at kink night. I had posted a photo the next day on Fetlife because it was strongly suggested that I post the results. In the middle of our intense conversation about agreements between spouses and such, she asked “how hard did he spank you? I know you don’t bruise that easily.” She had seen the photo and was in awe. At that point, I was giggling.

She sent me a note a few days later saying how pleased she is to have people who know her know all aspects about her life now.

I will have to say that the feeling is mutual.

Oh, and for those of you keeping score at home. I am now 2 for 2 in terms of going to the club AND meeting someone from my vanilla life there. Wonder if this trend will continue. Hmmm...

POD - Spring

First daffodil

I liked it in B&W best - the yellow was so bright the flower was almost lost.

So good to see bits of sun popping out of the ground.

Even if it isn't in the sky.

A Negotiated Spanking

An over-the-knee spanking was discussed and agreed upon - but that was just the start. A discussion about pain versus intimacy, technique, and boundaries were all even more thoroughly discussed after he found us a room. It was an opportunity that happened to fill a need that I had - a need for a spanking. A need for someone to give me a way to release the tension from the past week - to give me that physical release that running and other more usual means had not accomplished in giving me. A release that I knew a spanking would give me.

He asked me if I was wearing panties. I was not. I rarely do under skirts or dresses. This pleased him as he was looking forward to simply laying me across his lap and lifting my skirt to deliver the spanking.

I have never played with a safe word before - or a word that tells the person delivering the spanks that he can keep going - or go harder. But, as I laid across his lap, I had both.

And being my cocky self, I doubted I needed either.

I couldn’t help but wiggle the moment I took my position. The anticipation of what was to come coupled with the excitement made me unable to stay still. As I wiggled a bit, he started warming me up - light, gentle slaps to awaken the skin and get the endorphins going a bit. He spread them out from my upper thigh to my ass itself - never seemingly striking the same place twice. And as he did it, I continued to wiggle, enjoying the sensation but eagerly anticipating when he would deliver the first real swat.

Right when I was on the verge of using the word to tell him to step-it-up-a-notch, he gave me the first one. And with it came the moan from my lips. He started delivering swats in earnest right there.

While before, he was careful not to overlap them, he took great pride is swatting the same spot twice or three times before moving on. Clearly, he was enjoying marking my fair skin which turns a wonderful shade of red when a slap is delivered.

The slaps turned from stings to more of thudy - and I wiggled and moaned through them all. It was exactly what I had been needing.

“Stand up,” he commanded me - and I complied without thinking.

“On the bed - on all fours.”

I followed without a second thought - wondering briefly what was to come next.

I didn’t wonder for long when I felt the skirt of my dress lift and the spankings resumed. This position allowed him to use both hands equally - giving me no chance to catch my breath between as the sting and burning from each strike just built upon themselves in intensity. Intermixed between the sounds of hand striking skin, my moans rose.

I was no longer able to move or wiggle between strikes as his hand was on my shoulder then drifted to my neck and head briefly. I wanted him to grab my neck or hair to keep me from moving, but we had not negotiated that. He was respecting and staying in bounds, and I couldn’t find my voice or else I’d have given him permission.

“On your back,” was his next command, “Grab those boots and do not let go.”

And as when I immediately got into position, he muttered, “That’s a good girl.”

This position gave him more access to my ass, and the swats were delivered with both hands again. He paused as he rubbed one across my pussy, “oh, a wet girl - I like that.”

He paused at my pussy - fingers poised to slide inside, “how many fingers can my good girl take?” he asked.

“As many as you’ll give me,” I managed to reply.

“Ooo, you are a slutty girl too. Are you a slutty girl?”

“Yes, I ..” was all I got out of my mouth as his fingers slid inside me.

He finger fucked me as he periodically delivered more swats to my already red ass.

“Touch your pussy for me” was his next command that I followed immediately without thinking.

“Such a dirty girl,” he complimented before saying, “Now show me your tit.”

I was wearing a dress that was pretty accessible, so it didn’t take me much to expose my tit for him.

For the second time, I could tell his hesitation. I could tell he wanted to go further, but it was not negotiated. Then he abandoned his restraint and squeezed a nipple.

“Too hard?” he checked in.

“No.”

“How hard do you like it?”

“Really hard.” His response to that answer was positive. He continued to finger fuck me as I touched my clit - the sensation of having my nipple played with sent me over the edge. And I did something I rarely do….

“Oh, a squirter girl too! Very nice!!”

From there, we started winding down. He told me to lay back as he grabbed a towel, then he stretched out beside me and pulled me into his chest. I cuddled up and let myself come down. He reassured me that I could take as long as I needed. He stroked my hair and asked if he could kiss me. After my agreement, he gave me a soft kiss on the lips.

We sat and talked for a bit longer. I thanked him for the spanking. He said he enjoyed it himself, then he told me that I already had some great marks. He asked if we could play at the upcoming kink weekend. I told him we could definitely arrange something as I would be there.

We walked out together to find my friend I had been with earlier. When we met up with her, he asked me to show her his handiwork. I lifted my skirt near the bar and showed her. Then he gave me a hug, thanked me again, and we departed.

I didn’t feel the spanking much until I got into my car. The cold leather seats on my ass felt so wonderful - and I realized how warm it was - and how sore it was already starting to get.

Love that.

POD - Week in Pictures

The first blooms on the flowering plum trees.

The wall 'o drugs at the chiro's office. All twigs and berries

Nothing like some black Kinesio athletic tape to go along with boots, a short shirt and fishnets that I wore to the monthly kink party at the local swingers club.  

I LOVE my new macro lens.  

Our plum tree in bloom during a brief moment of sun 

The 3D wooden puzzle of a dragon and a rider that the girls put together. It took them about 4hrs to do - and kept them out of trouble.  (I love my macro lens.)

Love the after effects of the water drop

Rain on the flower leaf

The cake pops were a learning experience - yummy, but a learning experience.

Brain Dump

Thank you to everyone who commented (and sent me email and IMs) yesterday about my post. I truly appreciate the support and comments.  They all made me smile.

In all honesty, I have considered stepping back a bit as I figure out what's going on in my head and in my world. May happen yet, I'm not sure. I'm leaving it as an option.  Until then, you may just get random ramblings from my head.  And lucky you, today is one of those days.

I found out late last week that my dad had the intention of moving out here only for a finite amount of time.  Maybe 2-3 years was all.  When he gets frustrated with life, he has visions of life being better in Iowa and threatens to move back. None of us understood it. I'm sorry, but Iowa (especially where I grew up) is not the land of opportunity and/or prosperity.  My mom had someone comment to her a few weeks ago that this person would be sad to see them move back.  This was news to my mom who flipped.  My dad hasn't mentioned it in a while because my mom said next time he does, she'll pack him a bag and he can leave.  I must be rubbing off on my mom because she never would have done that in the past.  Guess the power of grandkids has also modified her thinking too.

T-10 days until DJ's black belt test.  She is kicking ass so far in terms of knowing the forms and all.  She is finishing her essay and doing the test.  She has almost two hours of "boot camp" coming up Saturday.  I suspect she is one of the best prepared. It is times like this when I totally understand why my dad during my softball games would pace the fence chain smoking.  How nerve wracking as a parent - wanting to see your kid succeed, knowing they can do it, and having to watch and cheering from the sidelines.

T-40 days until my first running event of the year. Bridge to Brews - 10K. Now that the light has returned, my running kicks up again. Being registered for it already does help motivate me.  Gotta get my running partner moving too.

Today is Ash Wednesday. If you encounter someone with a smudge on their foreheads, don't wipe it off for them. It's supposed to be there.  And, some can get quite angry as G found out in college.  He got smacked with a pool cue by my college roommate after he did it.  He learned two lessons that day - not to erase someone's cross and not to piss off my roommate while she has a pool cue or a fork or in kicking distance.  It is why tomorrow is Chalk Thursday in our circle of friends - he tried to fix it the next day by giving her a pool cue chalk cross to celebrate the sacred day of Chalk Thursday.  I've mentioned G is a Buddhist, haven't I?

Speaking of G, he is ready for spring break, I think.  He has a hard group of kids this year who are like toddlers - testing the boundaries every which way trying to find weakness.  Except they are teenagers with evil plots to get back at the teachers.  He cited the several month long battle with one kid over her locker. She was contending not everything could fit and was doing lots of shitty things to prove her point.  Suddenly, everything now fits into it without a battle. And that exemplifies the whole year so far.  He is fed up with it as you can imagine.  Lay on top of it the fact that nothing he has done with them has gone as planned due to the same bullshit.  He is beyond done. Hopefully Spring Break in a few weeks will give him some time to relax and regroup.  The stress is definitely getting to him.

I saw this the other day, and after a discussion I had with a friend recently, I thought I would share it.  I think it is so true. We often spend so much time trying to figure out what we want that we forgot that it's good to understand what we don't want just as well.

Exhausted

I won't lie.

I haven't felt like writing lately.

Hell, taking photos has been something I'm forcing myself to do.

I've kind of wondered where my muse has gone.

Usually I have idea after idea kinda bubbling below the surface.  And in some cases, I do have some ideas. I have partially written posts that are sitting there gathering dust.  Hell, I even have a few posts written, that I can't bring myself to public.  I have reasons for it.  Reasons I don't want to get into on the blog.  Just realizing how much its impacting my ability to write.

I don't do strife well.

For some people this may be a surprise. Why? Because I'm good at it.  But, my ability to handle it and deal with in no way means I like it - I do not enjoy it. It stresses me out in greater ways than people, even people close to me, may realize.  I'm good at compartmentalizing it.

Layer on top of it the other stuff - the life stuff, and I'm wholly uninspired.

Work is a big political game of fun.  My job officially ends at the end of the month.  The promises of extensions and/or a hire have gone by the wayside, or so it seems.  As my boss said to me this morning, he hates putting me on edge with this one given it is his battle to fight, he just doesn't want to see me unprepared for the worst.

So, I'm dealing with the political strife while worrying about my own personal impact to the bullshit.  Which means I come home emotionally exhausted.

Oh, and in case I haven't mentioned - I need a fucking vacation.  While I know I may be getting one at the end of the month - a forced one - I am a person who needs 1-2 weeks every year to escape and recharge.  If I don't get it, I am rarely in a good place mentally.  Hmmm.....maybe there is a correlation.

Outside of work, I feel like my schedule is not my own.  My schedule is there for others to schedule. Rarely do I feel asked if my time is available - or what I want to do with it.  When I am, it's refreshing.  Typically, I am happy if I get the info - all the info - letting me know what exactly is going on.

I don't like surprises. I like having the ability to say 'no'. Right now, I'm along for the ride. And I'm a horrible passenger. But my conflict goes back to the above strife comment. How much do I want to deal with? So, I have been sitting back trying like crazy to keep my mouth shut.

All of these things are contributing to my lack of enthusiasm for anything. An old mentor of mine talked about emotional and mental exhaustion.  He could always tell when he had it. It meant he was sitting at home, in front of a tv channel he never watches, totally zoned out.  He had the energy to go out and work on his car, his favorite hobby, but no mental power to make it happen.  He just needed to stare at a blank screen or do something mindless for a while.

And like him, I do not like that feeling.
I have to figure out how to change this one.
Because I miss my muse.
And I don't like what is replacing her.

POD - Shadows and Reflections

Such a gorgeous morning! Sun - blue sky.....very nice.  This is the view from my cohort's side of the building.  Very pretty day.  I liked the reflection on the water of the bridges.  And if you look carefully, you can see my badge reflected in the window.  No, you cannot read it. :)

Eleven

When DJ was a a year old, we joked that it was actually a celebration not of her birth, but our success as parents.

We kept her alive for a year.

We didn't fuck her up as far as we could tell.

And we hadn't killed each other.

Really, that is why there is a party on the first birthday.  The kids don't remember, but the parents celebrate.  We celebrated a year under our belts as parents.

Eleven years later,  I celebrate the fact she is a kid that would make any parent proud.

DJ is smart.  Reads anything and everything she can get her hands on.  She can do anything she sets her mind to learning. Math, science, social studies, writing - she loves it all and is successful in it all. Mainly because she believes she can do it all.

DJ is a good kid.  She takes no one in her life for granted. If someone is left out, she includes them.  If someone is being treated poorly, she steps in and chastises the wrong doer.  She is genuinely interested in her friends. She celebrates them for who they are which has always made me smile.  She is friends with boys and girls alike.

DJ truly believes she can be anything.  When asked recently by her teacher what girls could not do in life, her list to the class contained one thing: Girls cannot grow spectacular mustaches.  That was it.  Her teacher laughed and shared the fact DJ did not include anything else while the other girls listed other things.

DJ has her evil side too. Don't get me wrong. She can be mean - mainly to her sister.  She can be stubborn (no idea where she got that one).  She can be a smart ass when she doesn't want to do something (again no idea where she gets that).

And now, she is two years from being a teenager.

I can only hope I'm still celebrating her like this instead of wondering where she went.

Until then, we celebrate her 11 years in this world.
And the fact we have not fucked her up......
......yet.

POD - Old Architecture

My unintended theme today seemed to be old architectural elements from old buildings.

Inside the Eco Trust building in the Pearl District. They built the new building around elements of the old building. I love how they preserved the old and the new.

Inside the eco-trust building again. 

Old Armory Theatre. After years of walking by this building on our way to Powell's, we were happy to see it restored and converted into a theater.