e[lust] #26

Photo courtesy of Sapio Slut

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #27? Start with the rules and subscribe to the RSS feed and Twitter for updates and submission reminders.

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Bikery - The mental image of Suzy mounting this thing and pedaling herself towards a quaking orgasm flashed across my mind’s eye and I grinned into her face.

If you are monogamous can you learn to be polyamorous? - Do you think that someone who is monogamous can learn to be polyamorous for a partner, or do you think they are courting disaster?

Hot Wax - I detached myself from what she was doing to me. *breathe* She pulled again. I came from the pain, motionless, silent, and helpless to stop it. She continued.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Spring - My eyes wide, there was no time for reaction as another crowd was wandering down the path. Our eyes locked and Daniel smirked, attempting to find something innocuous to say.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

What is Sex Positive? - Just because I create & run something, doesn’t mean I’m a dictator. e[lust] is as much yours as it is mine, and I value the opinions of everyone.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable ~after this point~. Thank you, and enjoy!

Erotic Writing

6. Gluttony

Erotica: Suit & Tie Guy VS The Construction Worker pt II

Gang·bang­»ed

hot and bothered...

In the Morning

My First Blowjob

Oh, What a Sight!

Skate / For Wank Wednesday

Soak(ed)

The tables have turned

Wanting it Bad. Wanting it Hard

What I will do with a dildo: Sing, do with a dildo

Kink & Fetish

As much sex as he can fuck into me

Afternoon Sex x 4

Fetish/Fashion

I used to be a Masochist

Now Lick My Boots Clean, Submissive

Open

Plug Me

Rope play

Staked Out

spank, fisted and strung up

The Room

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

A sex-positive female in a sex-negative society

A Period Drama

On Safer Sex and STIs; Musings on The Swingset

Question Month #4

Sense of Responsibility

Simple?

Touch My Cock

Why Did I Engage?

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Hello, My Name is Danny Wylde

In Praise of SlutWalks

Internet Pornography and Women: It doesn’t have to feel bad

Snarky Tuesday

I FINALLY GOT MY COMPUTER BACK!!!

This people is why you buy the extended warranty on laptops.  My total repair bill: hard drive, logic board and fan was almost $600.  The warranty (3yr) was around $300.  One repair and it paid for itself - twice.

So now I'm catching back up.  Forgive me for not being around and bear with me.

Since I missed Motivational Monday.....and I feel off today - I figured I would do Snarky Tuesday instead.

Ahh, don't we all have someone we love like that....

No doubt!

Oh Lord do I know people who need to give this a try!

Or a basement.....as I found out this weekend.

We all know people like that - female AND male. 

Hmm......I suspect there are some who would disagree.

Careless Ramblings

Hi. It's Friday and I'm still computer less. The good news is that I'm twitching less. And I'm finally getting the hang of the iPad.

But I miss my computer. I have photos and video to download and post. Sigh.

Yesterday I had my call with SG. The news was as expected. No more play between us. But in his ramblings he called me careless in my own play which is why he feels it is too risky.

I am a woman who has been known to stop play to replace the condom myself when in the moment a guy fucks it up and tries to keep going. I disclose more info than some feel is needed just because I think it's careless not to do it. Yet careless is the word he used.

There are certain words that people can use that elicit an internal response. A response that is one of self examination first. Yeah, he hit one of mine.

Thanks for folks on twitter, G, Lili, Domenico, Mexi and others, I got over the sting. The situation is sad, but it is what it is. I can't change it, and I don't blame him for the decision he made. It's bigger than just him. Still sucks none the less. I only wish he had done it without making it feel like I did something wrong - like I was personally to blame and not the situation. But often it's harder to accept that an abstract thing is to blame like circumstance so it's easier to blame the person.

People come into your life for a reason. For me, SG introduced me to kinks I didn't know I had. For that I am grateful. He also gave me a flavor for what poly could look like and how it could work. For that, I am grateful.

But the page has turned. I love where i am today. I love the people in my life. I love the way the relationships fit. I love the continued exploration of me. And I like how I'm becoming part of a community. It is such a different experience from when we were swinging - one that is more in line with what we were hoping for - for what I was hoping for.

Nothing is ever easy. Growth hurts. But if the direction you are growing to is a good one, you can tolerate those growing pains. Or at least I can.

It helps when there are people helping wipe away the tears and offering hands.

I am truly blessed.

Want

I want....

....to be bound in your rope. To feel your hands on my skin as you wrap it around my body as I stand before you.

....to feel your teeth on my skin. To feel them on my neck biting that place that makes me moan. To feel them on my body as you mark your journey around it.

....to have your hand in my hair. To feel it slide up my neck before you get a handful and pull my head back. To feel my body give into the sensation as my eyes close and I melt into it.

....to take your cock between my lips. To lick the underside of the head with my tongue before taking it deep in my mouth. To hear you respond as I suck and lick your cock the way you like. To see you pause - caught between your desire to fuck me and your desire to enjoy what I'm doing.

....to feel your fingers squeeze my nipples as you kiss me deep. To feel you squeeze them harder and harder as I bury my face in your chest, moaning and savoring the sensation and control you have over it.

....to be your good grrl. To do what will bring you pleasure, what you desire. To take what you give me as you push my limits. To be cuddled after as you gently bring me back down, and to do the same for you.


I want...

....You

Laptop Withdrawal

My hard drive started dying last week. There are certain noises that a hard drive should not make, and mine was making them. I backed up the hard drive, removed all personal data, and took it to the apple store.

I was thankful to get a geek girl at the genius bar. I have learned over the years that geek men either admire women who know what they are doing or they verbally pat you on the head and ignore you. I was not in the mood for the latter. The woman heard the noise and reserved a hard drive for me. A 10 minute process - score!

The call from the apple store came at 9:30am the next day. Score, I thought. Until he said, we still don't know what is wrong. Fuck.

They ordered more parts. A system board and something else. So now I wait....and go crazy.

So no HNT for me tonight. No laptop means no software for my photos. Hell, posting this has been a bit of a pain. I'm hoping tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

A SEAF Reacap

My first time attending SEAF was amazing.  I had read things about past years. I have heard from others about it too.  I was excited to be able to attend this year - thanks to Lili for tickets.

Seattle Erotic Arts Festival was started in 2002 as a way to celebrate the erotic.  I had heard about it in the past, but never understood what it was fully.  What I saw this year was truly a celebration - an amazing one at that.  And I get it now. 

There was art.  Photography, paintings, sculpture, installations  - art of every kind - modern to more traditional - explicitly erotic to exposure in a different fashion.  There was big art and small art.  There was "do not touch art" to "please interact with me" art.  And in addition to the art gallery displays, there was music.  DJs creating an atmosphere as you wandered the place.  There were performances.  Women high in the air in silks, to amazing pole dancing, to a couple performing the tango in a small gallery, to a display of head shaving with a straight razor by Twisted Monk in the side show area.  There were movies.  There were the poets and writers reading and performing their own works.  It was truly a celebration of the erotic.

And the people attending just added to the atmosphere.  Evening gowns to fetish wear to jeans to club wear. People were expressing themselves freely through their attire.  Some came in costume - steam punk or goth or Victorian.  Others came like they were attending a formal gallery.  The people watching was spectacular.  And in some cases more entertaining.

Like with any art exhibit, there was some amazing stuff.  And there was some stuff that made you wonder who thought that was a good idea.  These boxes scattered throughout the place were supposed to evoke your primitive senses.  Most we heard agreed with us - they left us wondering what we missed.

Then there was the pieces that spoke.  The huge orange panels with the simple lines of a woman that made me and Domenico keep gravitating back to it.  The symmetry of the guy knelt between two women - finger them as they lay on each side of him - a perfectly erotic balance.  Or the tangled limbs in a photograph that evoked my own feelings of how that is when you and your partners become this tangle of limbs - not even sure how and what led there, but happy it did.  The pony girl photo that left us in awe as we realized it was not a doctored photo but a painting done in oils on canvas.  Not our own kink, but the talent could not be ignored.

It was fun to see the photographs or paintings where we knew either the artist or models. I know I celebrated a bit when a Portland photographer had a photo displayed.  Or I knew who had posed for it.  I suspect that is being part of the community.  We all are excited when people succeed. 

One of the most powerful pieces of the night was a photography project. An artist who believes people are most vulnerable, not when naked, but when wearing their fears on their body.  He photographs people who have written upon them a naked truth, if you will.  Reading the huge display of these people - and seeing what people were feeling was inspiring.  It evoked emotion that could not be achieved by mere nudity alone.

One of the models in that display is someone I know. I recall how she felt after the shoot.  She felt exhausted and vulnerable and shaky.  Nudity she can do - but exposing her feelings like that - her fear or anger or whatever -  was truly bare in a way she did not expect.

After I read about her experience as model, I had the same thought I had Saturday when seeing the photos - what would be my phrase.  I even made that comment to Domenico as we looked at it and took it all in.  To see the bravery of each person in those photographs, I could not help but ask myself the same question again.  Maybe in another blog post I'll share my thoughts more.

Overall, I was happy I was able to attend and experience it.  Both G and I felt the same way - we want to go back and do it again.  I am wondering too if maybe I may want to try to submit something next year. Seeing some of the photography made me realize how far my own photography has come.  We'll see. I have a few ideas anyway.  Can't hurt to try, I figure.

Thank you Lili for the tickets you gave me on my birthday. I am so glad I was able to attend.  Thank you for making it possible - and for the time together on the holy quest for outfits. I truly enjoyed the girl time we got on top of it all - even if it yielded nothing.  So happy we met and have time together.  Soon we can have more.

Thank you Domenico for being a fabulous date.  I always have fun with you and enjoy my time with you.  I'm glad you are part of my life. 

Thank you G for being a great partner in this fun and in life. I love you. Thank you for being part of the journey. 

Motivational Monday

Had a wonderful opportunity to attend SEAF on Saturday. A fabulous event put together by amazing people.  More on that later.  Until then, some motivation to get your week started.

Sometimes we all think too much. If we listened to our heart whisper what we really want, then maybe we could at least give it a try.  I know I don't always listen to my heart as much as the rest.

You have to live with what is inside. Make sure you like what you see when you look inside. 

Smart people do something too much - we think about all of the ways things can happen - ways things can go wrong - in an effort to control our expectations and our own emotions.   But you know what? Sometimes we work ourselves up to the point where we start worrying about and planning for things that will not ever happen.  Why? Why do we even waste the brain power and the emotional anguish playing this game? I know it is to protect ourselves - or at least try to do it. But in the end, we just create issues that aren't there. We worry about things that are beyond our view instead of focusing on the big things on the horizon - the things we can see and control.   Stop doing it.  It is not worth it.

We can't control external forces. We can't control emotions - we can't control others - we can't control what may happen with the world or the economy.  But what we can control are our reactions to it.  We can choose to fight the wind and try in vain to control it. Or we can adjust the sails and take a thrilling rides.  Adjust your sails.  Control what you can - and that's not the wind. It is you and your ship.  It is hard.  It is scary. But I guarantee you - you will be happier and have one hell of a ride instead of stressing out.  

The past is hard to contend with. Some of us struggle with reactions that are triggered from our past experiences.  I know I do. But, you know, I have to remember to take a deep breath and move on - just turn the page and keep going rather than closing the book on the person I fear will do it to me again.   Turn the page.  Don't reread the chapter. Move on.  Don't close the book.  Closing the book means it will be hard to reopen again.  Turn the page and keep going.  See where it ends up. Because I can guarantee you, it will keep going.   And the ending? Well, it may be much different than you imagined.

Friday Friday Friday

I've been excited for Friday all week. Why? It's SEAF weekend!!

SEAF is the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival.  And we have tickets thanks to Lili who gave them to me as a birthday present.  Tonight we drive up. Then Saturday is our fun. I'm so looking forward to seeing the art, but also spending time with G, Lili and Domenico.

I know a few people in the art, so I'm quite excited to see how it turns out.

And I'm also excited there will be an overnight babysitter so we can have fun all night.  What can I say, I'm squirmy just thinking about it.

And apparently the rapture is Saturday?  I guess we'll be doing stuff that pretty much guarantees which way things will go for us.

But first, I have lots to do.  Dogs to get vaccinated and kenneled.  Packing to do.  Oh, and I actually have to work today for about an hour or so.

I am happy that I got a bunch of yard work stuff done this week.  We've actually had some sun AND warm days the last few days.  No rain or fall-like weather.  I was able to tackle the yard and mow the jungle.  The grass was so high that the chickens were getting lost in it.

The VW bus is getting closer to running. I'm being optimistic.  They tried to start it last night, but have a wiring issue. Not a big surprise given they finished wiring it in the dark with a flashlight. Not exactly ideal.  I'm just happy that it's getting worked on and progress is being made.  It may run again.   If not, he wants this instead:

Happy Friday!

Have a great weekend!

HNT - Birthday

"You know, these would be some great HNT photos if I had a camera."

So I jumped out of bed, handed him my iPhone, taught him how to take a photo, and resumed my place in bed.....with his wife.

It was her birthday, if you read my blog on Monday you know whose.  Lili was supposed to be zooming around the track on a motorcycle with G as her kilted pit babe, but the spring rain in the high desert led to flooding. So sadly her day of going fast was canceled.

I promised birthday puppy piles, so they stayed with us instead.  Monday after school was out and the kids were occupied, we all locked the doors, shed our clothes, and curled up in our bed.  After lots of rearranging of who was next to who.  G took one for the team and went to run interference by keeping the kids occupied outside.  Which left Domenico ended up in between the girls.....

....for a bit.

Because, in the end,  Lili ended up in the middle.

I don't recall how she and I ended up kneeling in the middle of the bed in a passionate embrace. We did after giving Domenico some attention but then got distracted by each other.

We were on our knees -  kissing, touching, pulling each other tight, biting.  Domenico moved behind her and started doing much the same....and helping bring her to an orgasm.  

Periodically, as he and I would both be kissing and biting her neck, we would pause to kiss each other before resuming our attention on the birthday girl.  The details of what all we did was a blur. I couldn't recount the details of our actions if I wanted to. Instead, I can only recall the feel of her skin on mine - under my hands as I caressed and touched her.  The feeling of our bodies pulled together.  The feel of her hair against my skin as she kissed and nibbled my skin.  The view of her satisfied smile as she recovered from our attention on her.

And the sound of her laughter joined with mine when Domenico was taking our pictures and enjoying the hell out of himself and telling us that as he took them. 

This was like a cherry on top of the day  I enjoyed celebrating her birthday in that way.  And I'm pretty sure she did too.  Even if it wasn't zooming at high speeds around a race track. 

This week is the 6th anniversary of HNT.  Go check out Osbasso's site as well as OHNT to see who else is celebrating.

Energy Flying High

The energy at the club was perfect. People were scening. Those on the outskirts of the play areas were talking and laughing and having fun while enjoying the view of what was happening. People who were usually aloof were mellow and happy and talking to everyone. People who normally don’t scene were negotiating scenes and having fun as they played out. Even the dungeon masters (DMs) seemed less stressed than they usually do as they kept an eye on the happenings of their respective areas and joked with those watching.

Lili and I were having a great time watching the scene, talking to people, and just unwinding from the long day. We were teasing the DM in charge of the lower area (usually the dance floor on non-kink nights) after he kept backing into us in his attempt to keep the crowd from ruining the suspension occurring above the main space. We joked to him that he was doing it on purpose. And he laughed saying two pretty grrls being behind him did mean he was being extra protective.

We saw Domenico walk past, and both noticed his energy was different than the rest. And different in that not-so-good way. Funny that his wife and his girlfriend would pick up on it at the same time. We snagged him as he walked past again having gotten water for him and his date. He was not having a good night. We told him to come back and hang out with us. Allusions were made that we would take care of him. And the deal sealer was when Lili asked him: “Do you have your ring and your rope?” She wanted to fly.

He was back a minute later. Lili switched places with him so he could be sandwiched between us. “You need hugs from both of us” was her reasoning. He put his arms around us and pulled us in for a hug - then kissed her passionately - then turned to me to do the same. You could feel him starting to relax as we shared with him the energy we had - laid back, fun, happy energy. And we continued to chat and hug and kiss as we watched the woman being suspended.

When the hard point freed, we all three moved to the center. Lili disrobed, handing her dress to me as Domenico hooked up the ring and started pulling out his rope. He halved the rope, then started laying it onto her body with care, making sure it did not overlap and making it the right amount of tight. And as he manhandled her a bit through the rope, her smiles and his own got bigger. Round and round her body, he laid the rope. Talking to us as he went. Checking in on her to find out how it was feeling. Planning how he was going to have her fly.

As he laid more rope around her hips, she almost fell over - standing on very high heels were making her less steady on her feet. Each time he pulled the ropes tight, she would struggle to keep her balance. I tossed her dress into his bag, then moved closer to her for support. I stood behind her so she could lean back on me as he pulled her body forward. She bent backwards a bit so her head was on my shoulder. She was wiggly and excited to fly, so she and I swayed with each other to the beat of the music, our bodies pressed together as we enjoyed the energy.

When Domenico was done, he checked the ropes one more time and attached the carabiners. Then he reached around and took my hand letting me know he was ready to get her aloft. As soon as I moved clear, into the air Lili did fly. Her smile was huge as she was in the air. He swung her back and forth, then spun her around in circles. And in between, they kissed. They giggled. They were both all smiles as they played in the air.  Their love for each other was evident - and I was happy to bear witness to it.

When she was ready to come down, he lowered her back to the ground carefully making sure she landed on her feet and into his arms. They kissed and embraced, then he began to untie her. I joined them, handing him his drink, and helped coil up the rope.

We all embraced with kisses being exchanged again when Domenico declared he was taking us both home and to bed. Lili and I both bounced - “okay!” No need to tell us twice.

We met back at the house and crept inside careful to not wake up the others. G had stayed behind to watch the kids and was passed out in our room as the 4am training sessions had caught up with him. So off to the guest room we snuck. The door closed, and our clothes were off. Lili and I got on the bed together giggly, wiggly and eagerly waiting for Domenico to join us. He crawled between us, and the three of us melted together in a pile of bodies as we ended our evening the way it seemed meant to end.

 And in a better way than any of us had envisioned or planned.

Random Ramblings

Hi.

I feel like I haven't been around much lately.

Which isn't too inaccurate. I mean, I'm popping in and out a lot these days.  Life has been busy even if I'm not working much right now.  Funny how that sort of happens.

My friend from college whose husband I found on Fetlife and I have been having some great talks lately. She and her husband are about 9 months into the open relationship thing and the kink thing.  We had lunch last week when I told her about the whole HSV fun.  She is a medically trained person, so her reaction was pretty much "so, 80% of people are undiagnosed and have either 1 or 2".  Then we had another beer and talked about some funny situations happening with mutual friends.

G and I were talking the other day how happy we are for her and her husband.  They both seem so relaxed and happy now that they are doing this and are open about it.  We enjoy hanging out with them again.  It's funny how something so simple can lift them out of the negative.  Good stuff.

This past weekend was zombie weekend for the family.  There was a spring zombie walk, and DJ and her friend Miss O were ubber excited to go to it.  Friday night, we sent Indigo to bed and let the girls watch Zombieland.  They took notes.  And laughed their asses off.

We sent them to bed, and unbeknownst to us, they started making their costumes.  They were zombie roller derby girls.  They did an awesome job.  And had a blast getting their costume ready all day Saturday until we left for the walk.  At the walk, they looked great and had so much fun shuffling through the streets.  The funniest moment was when one of the people walking down the street got seriously freaked out by the small zombie hoard.

After the walk, we went home, and the girls insisted that we show Zombieland to Miss O's dad Domenico.  He loved it as much as the rest of us.   So when plans unexpectedly changed, we watched is Sunday too so that his wife (Lili) could see it.  Zombieland is one of those movies that is just a great one to watch over and over again as you will notice more and more each time.  And its still funny.

The VW bus has an engine!! After some issues, they got it fixed and back into the bus.  Keep your fingers crossed that all keeps going forward. A running bus would ROCK!

Monday we had a fun day together.  Lili and Domenico were supposed to have a track day to celebrate her birthday, but it was cancelled due to flooding.  G was supposed to go be her umbrella boy. So, we stayed here and wandered around marveling at the fact nothing is open on Monday.  Then we spent a great lunch together playing Jenga with Miss O and enjoying the company of everyone.

We rounded the afternoon off with puppy piles and relaxing.  Then dinner and birthday cake and cuddles.

I like how well we all get along together.  Our energy, our comfort level, the way the kids interact.....they are just like part of the family.  I like that.

So now I have to figure out how much work I have this week.  I need a bit more than I have been getting recently.  May have to draw the line with the current place and engage with my contract company again.  Good times.

So that's what's been going on around here.

Great fun - lots of happy stuff.

I like it when that happens.

Motivational Monday & More

Let's start with the more, shall we?

Happy birthday to a beautiful woman I know.  She pops up here and there in comments.  She is the beautiful and talented Hooligan Lili.

She kinda looked like this the other night when she got her chance to fly. This is her art, btw.  She is extremely talented, IMO.

Anyway, Lili, happy birthday! And may this year bring you more chances to fly.  Love you, beautiful!

Now, for the motivation....

I like the idea of being that person.

You are human. You will make mistakes. Learn from them don't beat yourself up about them. Cause if you don't learn from them, you will repeat them over and over.  Most people I know who beat themselves up over it never quite learn from it.

Everyone needs to have a quote like this.  Replace "write" with an activity that empties the mind. Then do it often.  

Usually these are the quieter people who are standing their smile as you succeed.

I liked this explanation. I think people hold it in trying to be strong or come across strong until it leaks out their eyeballs from the pressure.  In the end, they were never weak even if they had just cried.

A Brilliant Way of Looking at It

I am trying not to be "STI information woman", but given recent events, I feel like spreading information about it will help debunk the stigmas associated with them.  Or at least, that is my hope.

Recently Nina Hartley answered a question a reader sent to her about "how to avoid STIs or STDs".  He was looking for secrets for staying "clean".  (I hate being negative being referred to as being 'clean', by the way.)

Check out her video answering him.

Go watch it. I'll be here when you return.

I like her response because it really looks at sex in similar terms as you would look at anything you do.  Want to avoid a car accident, don't ride in a car....ever.  Great way of approaching the topic in a similar way you do anything else in your life.

Also, despite our hope for otherwise, she points out that this risk comes with our choice of lifestyle.  She is dead on.  I was even guilty of not realizing that fully. Maybe it was because I was raised during the AIDS epidemic where the promise was no HIV if you used a condom.  The mighty condom became the protector against everything - an implied guarantee, of sorts.  Use it, and you will remain disease free - guaranteed.

So going into swinging, we (like many) believed a condom and a talk beforehand about being "STD free" was enough.  But, clearly, that is far from the case as we now know.  There are no guarantees - and a condom is important but not the be-all-end-all to STI protection.

Anyway, I can go on, but instead, go check out the video.

Listen to what she has to say.

And consider adjusting your thinking accordingly.

And if she doesn't work, go read and listen to some Dan Savage who will pretty much tell you the same thing.  Do a search on Herpes for some true perspective on that STI as well as his rant about them in general.  My friend pointed me to him recently after I told her about our situation.  I'm happy she did.

HNT - Flashback of Sorts

I actually had to work this week. Yeah, I now - woe is me having to have to work a 12-15hr work week this week.  But it didn't leave time to take the HNT photo I had hoped to take. Plus, the cat got me a 5-in-1 reflector kit to help with lighting in my photos.  What a great way to break it in than on HNT.

When looking through my past photos, I stumbled across this one - one I hadn't used.  And I had to use it as it not only reminded me of how I got those marks, but how I got my current faded ones.

Last Saturday, we attended a birthday/play party.  After watching what was going on - the man and his partner who put on a wonderful scene with two single tail whips to the rope guru tying up his sub in some amazing rope bondage as part of intense floor play, we were inspired for our play.  

But for us, there were no other tools. He just used his hands and his teeth on my body - his two favorite tools for rough play.  He slid his hand into my hair, took a handful, then pulled my mouth to his before he led me off where we played. He marked my body - heating it up - and bringing me to that space where I wanted more - more of him and the abuse and it all.  And when he was done, he pulled me up and into his arms, and held me close - kissing me and telling me what a good grrl I had been as I came down off of the high.

I knew I had the marks before I saw them the next day.  My ass just as speckled as that photo - less bruised than expected given how hard he spanked me.  My back was full of bite marks and marks from where he grabbed me and held me onto the bed.  The delicious soreness was present and still is in a few places.  

So while this photo is a flashback, it represents how I am feeling right now too.

Happy when I feel and see his marks on my body.

Wanna know who else is playing this week? Check out Os for a list.

Or OHNT for some anonymous fun.

Sense of Responsibility

SG and I had a talk today.

As I mentioned, I went through another round of testing for HSV2.  He caught me the day before I got retested when he called asking to schedule some time with me.  I had to decline given the situation, and as I promised him back last summer, I told him what was going on.

That news isn't easy to hear, so I wasn't surprised by the reaction.  I'm way too blunt for my own good and have never learned the subtle art of breaking news. I tend to take the bandaid approach, do it quick to try to keep it painless.

His reaction was appreciation at my honesty. Taken back at the fact this was coming up again so soon. And just a 180 from where he was hoping the conversation would be headed.  A few hours later, his wife updated her status on Facebook and the wording made me feel that my news had screwed with the day.

When processing the situation myself, I realized I needed to be very black and white with him.  I realized  he needed to understand the larger more lasting effects of the decision.  He needed to understand that his is "if" in terms of his risk while my risk is a "when" I get a positive diagnosis.

So, that was the conversation I had with him.  I told him he and his wife needed to talk again. I gave them a list of things to consider.  I explained that condoms were not 100%. I explained how virus shedding works for HSV2.  I explained how quickly he could transmit it back to her.  We discussed how the swingers they play with would react to the diagnosis.  We discussed if they were ready to drop out of the scene.  These are things that I wanted to make sure they considered.

By the end of the conversation, SG was clearly wanting me to give him some news to say "if we do XYZ, we'll be 100% safe from the risks." I explained as clearly as I could that there was no sure thing. You could do everything and still get it.  Just the way it is.

Last summer, I should have said these things to him.  I know I said some of it, but I tried to be optimistic. Everyone around me was saying "Oh...bad news for G, good news for you - but no more play - I won't take the risk."  And the hurt was hard.  Many of these people drifted away given the "dirty" status.  Friendships that were going to "not change due to this news" were almost all changed with the news.

When SG was not in that camp, I was relieved and happy.  I tried to educate him just to make sure he knew what he was getting into, but in hindsight, I don't think I pushed him enough to consider all angles.  Seeing how easily things can change after a short amount of time, I couldn't do that again.  I look back at last summer and wonder if I did that out of selfishness or inexperience with it all.  I hate the idea that it could have been selfishness.

I have since made it a policy to inform anyone I play with 1x1 - upfront.  While the upfront conversation is difficult, it is better than the post-positive discussion whereby you have to either hide the fact you knew this was a major risk factor for you  (but you neglected to tell them) - or be honest and incur the wrath of someone who feels betrayed that you made that decision for them because you didn't tell them beforehand.  Since I don't lie well and would like to avoid that conversation, I chose to lay all the cards on the table beforehand.

Like with SG, I don't want to feel after the fact that I may have acted selfishly. I know it will limit the field of play, but I'd rather have people who enter eyes wide open. A hard reality, but a reality none-the-less.

While I've said it many times, HSV is far from the worst thing to contract. It's a nuisance. It's annoying. It's full of stigma.  But it is far from HIV, hepatitis, or even the some of the more perceived minor ones whose risks include sterility.  This is just a thing to take a pill for and deal with outbreaks if and when they happen.  Like an outbreak of acne, nothing else.

But that stigma - oh, that wonderful, fucked-up stigma....wouldn't wish anyone to have to go through it for that reason alone.

I fully expect SG to call me and say no more.  I hope he does, truth be told.  Both he and his wife have been swinging for a long time - LONG time - and I don't see either one being ready to close that door yet, let alone risking that it be a decision made for them.

As I told a friend afterward, being responsible sucks.

Doing the right thing is rarely easy.

But it is much easier than having to have a different kind of talk.

Motivational Monday

there are times i need to take this advise myself.

This reminds me a bit of the quotation by Edison: "I have not failed. I just found 10,000 ways that wont' work." It's all in how you look at it. Each failure is really a lesson in what not to do.  

three simple rules....funny how the last two are the hardest sometimes.

I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in being someone's whole world, but really, its best just to try to be their favorite part.  Your world should be full of your favorite people.  Don't try to make someone your whole world - its not healthy either. 

And, I love this sign....need this in our house, I think.

just wish I could see the rest of it.

Happy Monday!

Last Minute HNT & Random Stuff

My birthday party made posting an HNT last night the furthest thing from my mind....so I'm posting one now....it's still Thursday....just late if you are on the west coast.  Better late than never? (Don't forget to visit Os for others who played on time.)

Speaking of pictures, I am still posting them on my SmugMug page. Just got behind linking them here.  There is a camera icon in that upper right. Right over there - click it to check it out.  I'll get back to linking them soon.

My birthday was a great day.  Went in for my 90 minutes of work. Avoided getting a parking ticket ($30 for a violation as I found out a couple weeks ago). Had a great lunch with a sexy man at a yummy brew pub while sitting in the sunshine.  Spent more time in the sunshine reading, then went on my first motorcycle ride.  That was more fun than I thought it would be. I wasn't too much of a freak about it either.  Little known Emmy fact, I'm a control freak.....yeah, I know - not much of a little known fact.  It was quite fun.  Then when we got back, everyone had arrived for my party - a party G did a great job throwing together.

We ate, we drank, and we laughed at the fact that Chaps kept calling my friend/playmate by his Fetlife name in front of the 3 vanilla people.  The other 9 of us are on Fetlife.  Toss in my friend from college who came out to the deck laughing hysterically after the vanillas were talking about three-ways - and not in that way - and it was great fun.

The funniest part of the evening was actually a neat idea gone wrong.  About a month ago, G and I were visiting a shop that had Chinese wish lanterns.  These are lanterns you light a wax square inside and they float away like a mini hot air balloon.  The idea is you light them at dusk, make a wish, then release them.  They float away until they burn out.   We had talked about how neat that would be to do that sometime.

So, G got about 8 of them, I think.  Instead of making a wish blowing out candles, his idea was to do these instead.  Pretty cool.

Except a very bad idea in the city.

We got one launched. It was pretty cool - worked as expected.  All was well until it hit the transformer at the top of the electrical pole near the house.  As we all watched amused yet a bit anxious to see what would happen, it dislodged itself....

....just to get it caught in the neighbor's tree.  And got stuck there.

The good news is that it burned out before starting a fire.

The better news is that the rain overnight got it out of the tree, so the evidence was gone.

We all loved the idea. It is a great one.  But we have decided we need to do it in a more appropriate location.  We have a few ideas.  And I have six wishing lanterns left.  And a desire for a neat picture.  

The day was great.  The weather was the only nice day - low 70s and sun - all week.  It could not have been better.   Except if another friend had been able to make it.  That would have made it better for sure.

Tomorrow, I reinstitute my rule about beer - must run to drink it.  I've been unmotivated lately - with no good excuse.  Need to fix it.  So, run for the beer commences again.

Makes you feel like a slug when you are married to the man who gets up at 4am to run 7 miles.

Yeah, I suck.

In the bad way too.

At the girl scout meeting this week, one of my 8 year olds announced after I had explained to the group something that I was using sarcasm.  I congratulated her on her ability to recognize it.  Later on in the meeting, she made a sarcastic response to me.  I told her I appreciated her use of sarcasm.  She thanked me - and said it was her favorite.   I like that kid.  I may have to steal her, but I know she is being raised in the right home.  I've met her mom.

Have a great Friday!

May The Forth Be With You

Happy Star Wars Day!

Get it? May the Forth be with you?

Yeah, only on my birthday could there be such a pun made.

Just the other day, I was told I was too punny for so early in the morning when I went into work.  I can't help it - I come by it honestly.

I hate my birthday. I'm trying to learn to love it, but that familiar feeling comes over me each year.  That dread - that wondering if anyone is going to really remember without the Facebook reminder.  I know this is because of the fact that I was born on the worst part of the month if you have a father who was in the reserves. It's only one weekend a month - but it's always the weekend of my birthday.  And as my dad rose in the ranks, the two days became four or five depending on the prep needed.   Years of training in the first 20 years of my life have made it difficult to break out of the dread I feel.  While I don't care that I'm getting older, I just hate the wondering of what it will be this year.

But, today IS my birthday. I am another year older.  I am going to try to have a good day.  And hopefully, it will be a good one.

If not, there is always beer. :)

When, Not If

Last week, I was reminded of a reality - I will at some point get infected with HSV2. For some of you, this may seem like a pessimistic view, but being married to someone who is infected with HSV2, I know it is only a matter of time.

Last week was a flurry of testing - nine months after the initial round that led to the diagnosis of G. Last time, it was stressful - it was life changing - it was full of a lot of re-examination. This time, it was stressful - but it was what it was. I have accepted that it is a matter of time before the results are positive for me. And I’m okay with that.

Last time, I was a scared person in the doctor’s office. I was treated with kid gloves. I was reassured constantly. This time, I was educating the staff - and left feeling like it was time to find a new doctor. This time I got and gave lectures.

And much of my feelings this time were based in the reality - that I will get HSV2 at sometime. There is no “if” - it’s only a matter of time. And mostly because of the decisions I have made over the past few months.

They tell you after a diagnosis that the #1 issue they watch for in someone with HSV2 is depression. Having to tell partners of the news and react to the stigma is hard to bear. Life changes - significantly - and you have an infection that people react to as though it is HIV or the like. A friend wrote about his own HSV1 like this - HSV1 is the classy one to get while HSV2 is like its frat brother counterpart. HSV1 is from chaste kissing - people have it and deal with it all of the time without judgement. HSV2 is careless, it’s dirty, it’s caught by risky people who don’t use condoms.

The reality, of course, is that they are the same infection - the same risk - the same treatments. Yet, the location of the outbreaks is different - one the mouth, the other the genital area. The total prevention of contracting the infection is the same - avoidance of the area entirely. Condoms are interesting, but not a sure thing as virus shedding occurs around the genitals as well as on them. A fact I had to remind my doctor and her staff last week.

And as I was telling them this, I realized she was not going to get it my situation now or in the future. I realized that I could not explain to her why, in my situation, condom use would not be 100%. I could not have the conversation how condoms were killing our sex life - how they represented the infection - how that little foil package became a barrier to our intimacy despite our dependence on it before we had kids. I could not explain how throwing it away - how accepting the when had brought us back together - had reignited what we were losing by constantly being reminded of that disease through that little foil package.

So, in the end, I demonstrated via my lecture that I was not some idiot who was living with her eyes shut - then made note it was time not to come back. It was time to find someone who would understand the situation, understand the open relationships my husband and I have, understand those were not going to change, and, ideally, understand I am kinky and may see her with bruises on my body.

Because I am not freaked out at the idea that I will test positive at some point. I hate the idea of daily medication to keep it in check, but that is all I hate if truth be told. Well, I hate the stigma too….but that’s why I write about it, to hopefully get people to understand it IS just a stigma.

Motivational Monday

I loved this message.

Living within the storm is sometimes the best thing to do.

A-fucking-men! I know too many people who jump in with both feet - and forget to take their common sense with them.  Don't forget the brain. 

I have and always will continue to believe this one.  Ranks up there with the quotation I read once that said "friends are god's way of making up for family".

Happy Monday!

May Day

Each year on May day, I am reminded of this poem.  Sophomore year of college, I had to take an English Lit class.  It was taught by a man who ended up being one of my favorite professors.  He was a middle aged, gay man who would come into the classroom, take off his shoes next to the door, then start drilling us on what "the fucking poem" meant.

The class was several hours a day - broken up by his smoke breaks.  While he may seem like a drill sergent, he wasn't.  More like a big, gay teddy bear.  He loved teaching.  The students were his children.  His papers were always due at his house on a Saturday afternoon, so he could invite you in for his impromptu party.  "I decided on veggies today because you college kids don't eat enough veggies" would be his explanation for food selection - he would explain this, of course, as he poured you a large, strong gin & tonic.

When we read this poem, he was explaining the old English meaning of May Day.  How it wasn't the chaste, give-a-girl-flowers, then run away sort of holiday it had evolved into.  No....it was a grab the girl you've been flirting with and find a field of tall grass so you could have sex with her sort of day back then.  It was encouraged and expected.  The first part of this poem is reflective of those days.  About the hours they would spend "suckling cunt-ry" pleasures among other things.    The poem itself is about love - love so intense of an experience that it sort of creates a new reality for lovers.

The Good-Morrow by John Donne

I wonder, by my troth, what thou and I
Did, till we loved? were we not weaned till then,
But sucked on country pleasures, childishly?
Or snorted we in the seven sleepers' den?
'Twas so; but this, all pleasures fancies be.
If ever any beauty I did see,
Which I desired, and got, 'twas but a dream of thee.
And now good morrow to our waking souls,
Which watch not one another out of fear;
For love all love of other sights controls,
And makes one little room an everywhere.
Let sea discovers to new worlds have gone,
Let maps to others, worlds on worlds have shown:
Let us possess one world; each hath one, and is one.
My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears,
And true plain hearts do in the faces rest;
Where can we find two better hemishperes,
Without sharp North, without declining West?
Whatever dies was not mixed equally;
If our two loves be one, or thou and I
Love so alike that none do slacken, none can die.

For my longtime readers, you know, I do this post every year. G and I have been celebrating appropriately this day since we first learned about the true meaning of May Day. But now, it also marks when we lift a glass to Professor Lacey who died several years back from one of the smoking related lung diseases. The world lost a great man that day - a passionate educator - but clearly, he lives on through his students.

So go off, grab a partner, celebrate like they did in the 16th century & toss back a few gin & tonics for our former professor, who without him, even you would not have likely known how to appropriately celebrate this day!