HNT - Good Grrl

“Such a Good Grrl” was what he said into my ear as he squeezed my nipples harder and harder. And mentally, even though part of my brain was screaming “no more”, the other part was saying “but you want to be his Good Grrl - it’s not that bad.” And that other part - the part who wants to be a Good Grrl - always wins.

In return for my tolerance of the pain - my breathing - my moaning - is arousal. A wet pussy - a large clit - and a need to be fucked or to cum or both. I never care at that point - a release is just wanted.

Later, he bent me over the bed, spread my legs wide and proceeded to spank me using his hand - using a wooden spoon - using a crop. And even though it may have hurt - even though I may have bent my knees towards each other as I caught my breath and processed that pain - I kept my feet planted where they were.

“That’s my Good Grrl” was his praise as he took me higher and higher.

If my feet weren’t so firmly planted on the ground, I would have nailed them there just to get that response again - earn his praise.

He tied me up later - wrapping his hemp rope that he bought for me around my body - my arms - my breasts - my leg - my hair. He placed his collar on me. Then had me lean back on the bed. He pulled out his whip and told me to hold my legs open for him - giving him full access to my pussy and inner thighs. When I did, he uttered the phrase “that’s my Good Grrl” again.

He uttered it as I took his strokes from his whip - on my pussy and thighs. Or when he used just the end against the clothes pins he had put on my breasts and nipples. Each time I would start to pull back - pull away from him and his whip or crop - close myself to him - I would stop and give myself back to him - give him access again. And he would reward me with that praise: “that’s my Good Grrl”.

And that was how the night went - the ebb and flow of control - my finding pleasure in what he was doing even where most would probably find no pleasure.  And in the end, when I was untied, we curled up in each others arms and I heard those words one more time: “That’s my Good Grrrl”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Go visit Os to see who else is playing HNT this week.

And OHNT for some more participants.

And Then It Happens...

First off, thanks for everyone who drops by, comments, and retweets (and tweets) my Motivational Mondays.  I like good quotes, so decided to share my stash each week.

Often I read them and think of people or situation.  Tossing them out to the ether is my cathartic way of tossing the good advice into the wind in hopes that it finds the person that needs it.

Last night, I hit upon one that stuck with me.  Because I judge the images before I read the words, I almost glossed over it.

The design of this is just hideous in my mind.

But the quote: perfect.

Even if I'm not 100% sure it was said by Teddy Roosevelt.  (I did some checking and found it credited to others.)

I think it is human nature to compare yourself to others when esteem is low and/or when life is uncertain.

They look better. They do better. They are better.

Why did this happen to that person, but this is happening to me?

Hell, you can even toss in how people are treating you in comparison to others.  Anything is fair game.

Toss in the emotional lizard - that primitive emotional response that lives in the cave in your head - and these questions of comparison feed it.  It finds fun in joining into the game by drawing conclusions from these comparisons.  "Well, maybe you just aren't good enough." or "Maybe you aren't important enough."  The lizard utters these phrases, then sits back on its haunches to enjoy the show that is your response.

And then you are off down that slippery slope.

Joy is killed.

Questions are raised where there are no real questions.

And you are left feeling shaky and unsure ....

And, in my case, like an idiot.

For me, uncertainty drives it.

Job uncertainty.
Relationship changes.
Communication fun.

All leads to me kill the joy I do have....

With life,

My family,

My friends,

My work.

It wasn't until I saw this quote that I understood what was driving my downward emotional spiral.  I am comparing.  I'm killing the joy I'm feeling by tripping over a pebble and treating it as though it was a boulder.   I'm not looking at the big picture. I'm not counting the blessings I do have.  Instead I'm focusing on the minuta that, in the grand scheme, does not matter.

No more.

I can't do it.

It's killing the joy in my life - the joy within me.

I am thankful I stumbled across this last night - I needed the perspective.

Thank you to whoever tossed it into the ether for me to find.

Motivational Monday

First off, a belated birthday to Domenico.  Since I've started giving myself the weekends off in terms of blogging, I realized I wouldn't be able to provide a real time wish.   Happy birthday, my sexy friend.  I'm sure I will find a proper present for you soon. ;-)

A great approach to living a content life.  I like the "talk gently" and "hurry never in a word".  Good stuff.

Funny how we spend so much time in school talking about Romeo and Juliet and miss the critical life lesson.

I always love how people will say "I am listening" while they keep trying to talk.  I always comment that you listen with your ears, not your mouth.

I have had this conversation with many people over the years. They look at a friend of ours who works 4 months a year so he can play the rest of it - and see that he is not successful because he doesn't own a car or a house.  But he is living the life he wants. He has success in not having those things - in having people and community of support.  Success must be defined by the person aiming for it.  It cannot be defined by those watching.

I know I've used this one before in another post, but I need this one for me.  Whenever I feel conflict, I feel it because my head is trying to rationalize away the doubt, the hurt, the sad, the anger, the...insert emotion here.  And, in the end, the real source of my conflict is the fact my heart is whispering "you do" when I'm trying to rationalize away the emotions with "i don't care".  Why is it so hard to accept our feelings sometimes - to give them a voice?   I'll leave that open ended question there for a moment  because I think that could be its own post.

Happy Monday!

Photos: Nature Walk

Last week, I tore the tween girls away from the TV and video games by forcing them to go for a nature walk. DJ had just gotten a bird call - a very neat little device that is  fun when in a nature setting as the birds will fly to you and call back.  I figured she should practice it while they get a glow from the sun versus a screen.

These little blue dragon flies were everywhere.

Leaves

I liked these little wild raspberries that were growing everywhere. They are fuzzy on top.

I have no idea what those are -- maybe while taking photos, I should learn about the plants. 

I was a bit frustrated with my vantage point of the pond.  There was a gorgeous heron standing there begging to have its photo taken. I tried taking it, but even cropped it isn't a great photo sadly.  Oh well, another day.

Friday!! Or "We Made to the Weekend!"

First off, I must bitch a bit about the weather in this part of the country.  One fucking 80 degree day - and it's almost the end of June. The last few days, I have been cold too.  I try to ignore summer weather predictions, but mother nature gave summer a vacation last summer leaving it to spring and fall.  I cannot have another one of those summers. I think it would make me go crazy if I did.  Please, oh, please - send us some sun - some heat - a little at least. Please?

(and if you are local, you know that I am technically not allowed to start complaining until after the 4th of July - and I clearly don't care.  See what cold drives people to do?)

I figured we could use some snark today, so I'll be mingling some in as I write my post.  Enjoy.

I'm in the process of helping a friend identify and redirect a certain visitor from her blogger blog.  Long story short, her husband's sub likes to start drama.  My friend was at first supportive of the relationship, but the drama has tested her tolerance to a point where she has had to create some personal boundaries for the situation.  Now said drama llama is stalking her blog and doing some creative editing when reporting back to my friend's husband.  I told her I knew how to fix that problem.

IP address has been acquired.  The only problem? My trusty IP address blocker site - the only real option to us blogger bloggers - appears to be having issues. A visit to their support forums finds they have been consistently spammed by a few sites for the past several months. Trying to find an actual support topic has been nearly impossible.  I sent them email and am hoping it gets rectified.  If not, I may be helping her move to wordpress.  Or introduce her to the exciting world of tumblr.

The girls finish their first week of camp tomorrow.  DJ and her friend went to a comic writing camp at the local art school.  It was taught by a comic creator that G knows and another artist who is known locally too.  They have been enjoying the experience immensely.  They sit around and draw and ink and sketch - all shoulder to shoulder around this huge work table. Each day, they come home and talk about the music they listened to as they worked.  Both have fallen in love with Pandora.  And dip pens for inking.

Indigo has been liking her camp at the local community center.  G and I were talking about how great of a time she has had. I think being around a whole new group of kids has really helped.  There is no preexisting drama or groups of friends to deal with.  They run these throughout the summer, so we'll have to sign her up for another week or two.  It's quite the cheap date too all things considered.  Higher quality daycare for many families, I'm sure.

This image I liked for the sentiment, but also because it reminded me of someone. He will likely know who he is when he sees it.

I often joke with my kids that they are going to be crazy because it's hereditary.  I like this one too.

Speaking of crazy family members, I'm starting to mute some of mine on Facebook. Holy hell!  We have my SIL's sibling who can't have a thought in her head without posting it to Facebook.  And we won't even go on about the life choices she should be hiding but instead chooses to publicize.

Then we have one SIL who likes to celebrate her parenting skills via status.  While I have nothing against behavior charts - nothing at all - the real reason behind it shouldn't be because you feel bad correcting their behavior all of the time.

I have a cousin who I recently muted after she went on a pretty good tirade about the evils of Planned Parenthood complete with links to her Catholic magazines which support her stance.  I have resisted asking when the first baby is due because my understanding from my mom's Catholic family is that you can't be a good Catholic unless you are giving birth to lots of children.  Yes, a stereotype but you should meet my mom's family.  And I can't forget this woman's mom who gets into online fights with one of her other daughters (she has five) where she calls her a bad mom AND tells her kids the same.

After I got my hair cut yesterday (3 inches removed not that anyone but me can tell), I found my first pervertable to send to my friend at camp.  Fish shaped clips meant for ice, but look very pinchy for other things.  And their magnetic so you can keep them handy.

And I end my rambling post with a story about my loving daughter DJ.  While she and her friend were making lunch after class, I told her about getting my hair cut. Because my hair is so long, I have to stand while she cuts it.  My daughter's response: "After you stood up, did she tell you to sit down because you're so short that you'd be taller in the chair?"  She is about an inch away from being my height - her friend is an inch taller than me (at least).  And the snarky short jokes have begun in earnest.  I did commend her however, because that was pretty quick witted and perfect.  Thankfully, she can take the same ribbing.

Finally, I got my coiled up, way too tight, spring sprung last night (or, I guess, this morning).  I cannot adequately explain what pain, rough housing, loss of control, rope, crops and wooden spoons do in terms of getting me to de-stress.   Maybe once my endorphin high subsides, I could. Until then, my spring has been sprung by a sexy, evil, fluffy man.  Happy, happy sigh.  (I suspect I may pay for the fluffy comment when he reads this.)

Happy Friday!!

HNT - Roses

The first thing that came to mind when I took this picture was "Moses supposes his toes are roses. Moses supposes erroneously."  Yes, I've seen Singing in the Rain too many times.  But it doesn't quote fit.  In a close second was this quote:

"But he that dares not grasp the thorn Should never crave the rose. "

~Anne Bronte

We all have thorns that come with the beauty that is the flower that is us.  We just have to find someone who is brave enough to grasp anyway.

See who else is playing this week by visiting Os.

Or OHNT for some more anonymous fun.

Random Thoughts and Photos by Emmy

Two 11 year old girls were sitting around one day when one looked at the other and said, "we need to make fezzes for the chickens!"

The other one laughed and said, "I know how to make a fez."

Then they went running into the house.

The adults who sat on the porch watching them, looked at each other, and agreed that this could be an interesting thing.  And wondered who would get pecked first.

Chicken Fez 1.0 was not quite a success as they were hoping it would sit on the chicken's head without help.  Last night, they upgraded it to 2.0 - and found success. Four chickens, four different models of fez.  We were all very surprised at how complacent they were.

No chicks were harmed with this experiment.  Now the two tweens are plotting what will be the next fashion accessory for their version of Project Chicken-way.  I can only hope the chickens still play along and don't start protesting through ceasing egg production.

 I took the tweens out to a rose garden the other day so I could take pictures - and they could stop sitting in front of the TV playing video games.  They may be girls, but they are geek girls.

There is no question as to why they call Portland, the Rose City.  This is the time of the year when roses are exploding - and their scent fills the air.  Monday was no exception as we walked through the rose garden.  I will pepper photos from that walk as I write about random things.  Why? Because I can.

I will be starting "operation pervertible to camp" for my friend.  She works at a summer camp.  She wants mail.  I giggled when I posted publicly that I would be more than happy to send her things at camp to keep her entertained.

The beautiful thing about pervertibles is that they are objects that to the non-kinky are just regular things.  Nothing obviously kinky.  To a kinky person, they are entertaining.  First up, a large wooden spoon.  I'm just looking forward to hearing her explanations as to why her friend keep sending her weird things.

G has learned a very valuable lesson this week.  Do not change the dog food - or give bones to the dogs. Now before anyone rants at us for thinking bones are a good idea, there are certain bones prepared a certain way that are fine.  The issue is that we have two dogs with highly sensitive stomachs.  I know we can't switch the food around, but G forgets that little fact.

Thankfully, the dogs didn't require attention to the vet.  Sadly, the explosive diarrhea has been pretty ugly.  They are staying hydrated and energetic, so I know it is simply the food and such working through their system.  But, ick.

Needless to say, G will not be forgetting the sensitive tummy thing for a long LONG time.

Have I mentioned - ICK?

I have been wishing lately that Blogger had the ability to password protect posts just like Wordpress does.  While I am pretty much an open book, there are sometimes when I want to write something that isn't public to everyone.  It's too personal.  Instead, I write it up and save it to my hard drive.  Too bad though - because some of what I've been writing lately is pretty good - if I do say so myself.  As people sometimes learn the hard way, there are certain things that shouldn't be published.  Self editing is a good thing.

Portland had its first 80 degree day of the year.  The first - of 2011.  A cohort at my job decided to prove to us all (like we needed it) that this spring has been the worst spring in a long time.  He looked up the number of days above 55 degrees between Feb 1 and April 14th - this year compared to each year back to 1948.  2011 had 2-3 days above 55 degrees.  That is the lowest number with 3-4 day being the second lowest in 1955.  Normally, we are between 13-25 days.  We all thanked him for rubbing salt into that wound.

But, G always reminds me, I cannot complain about the weather until after July 4th.  I've got two more weeks.

I'm craving some rope these days. Seeing photos of others - hearing about the adventures others are having - just feeds my craving.

Mostly, I crave that loss of control. I've been emotionally all over the place these days. The idea of giving myself over to someone else - to get into a head space where I can just be - I can just float.

The other night, the urge was so great I almost asked G to give it to me. What stopped me was that I didn't want to get frustrated with him if it didn't meet my needs. We don't play like that, I hate getting pissy when things don't meet my expectations, and I decided not do do that to him (or me).   I'm trying not to be spoiled. I'm trying not to be pissy about it. I'm trying to be patient.   This is a growth opportunity, right?

Happy Hump Day!

I Want...

I want to hear how special I am.

I want to be special to people.

I want to be the person people count on.

I want to be able to count on people.

I want to be thought of.

I want to be a good person.

I want to be leaned upon.

I want to be the one people look up to.

I want to be strong.

I want to be a priority.

I want to be given what I want without having to ask.

I want to be looked up to.

I want to be envied.

I want to be kissed.

I want to be hugged.

I want to be cuddled.

I want to be fucked.

I want to be tied up.

I want to be spanked.

I want to be the one with bruises to hide.

I want to be taken into that zone where nothing matters....

.... but you and me.

I want to be thinking about the night before.

I want to be that girl that people want....

....on many different levels.

I want to me seen as the person I am.

I want to be me.

Motivational Monday

This marks my 10th week of motivation. It's been kind of fun to see how much people have enjoyed these. I'm glad they are because I am too.

There are so many people I know who I wish would do this - flee the drama. I personally love to laugh and love to spend time with those who make me smile more than frown and can do just this - make me laugh so hard that I focus only on the good.

It is the trials in life that make you grow - make you stronger - make you realize what you have inside you that you forgot you have.

Make sure you have friends who do this. They make all the difference some days.

Bring something to the table instead of expecting it to be brought to you. It's amazing how things start looking different when you do just that.

Happy Monday!

Happy Father's Day!

"Anyone can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a dad."

The first time I saw that saying, it was when my dad gave a small framed image to his dad where that quote was below it.  I don't recall how old I was, but I remember wondering what nuance I was missing because it kind of made sense, but didn't.  I was young at the time. But as the years went on, each time I saw that picture in my grandpa's living room, I got it.

My grandpa was a dad.  He played catch with his sons. He worked his ass off, but still had time to coach the little league team.  He was proud of his sons. And he loved the fathers they had grown into.  While he often worked out of town most of the week, it didn't make him less engaged with his kids.   Even as a grandpa, he showed this same involvement. He bought me my first pair of softball cleats. He taught me how to play catcher. He gave me my own nickname - one that drove my mom and grandma crazy, but one that still makes me smile thinking about it. And he wasn't just someone who spoiled us, he passed along knowledge. I still quote my grandpa to people.

My own dad did the same thing. He played with his kids. He taught us how to work hard. He went to every game we played.  In college, my senior year, he drove 4hrs each way to see me play every home softball game.  Seems like a lot to do, but then again, this was the man who would run between fields to make sure he saw both my game and my brother's game when we both played at the same time.  He didn't just father children - he was a dad.  And I teach my own kids many of my dad's phrases.

It never surprised me that I married someone who was similar.  Hell, I wouldn't have it any other way.  G has been the stay at home dad in the summers. He loves the summers for that reason.  He reads to them. He takes them to do neat stuff. He naps with the girls. He cooks with the girls.   He is a great dad. Just like mine was to me. And his dad was to him.

I think about my male friends in my life, and they are the same way.  They are active. They care. They will do what needs to be done to be there for their kids.  They don't simply sit back and let mom do the work - they get their hands dirty and do the job too.  They would do anything for their kids - to make sure they are happy, but also successful. So that anything may be to make sure they play their favorite sport, but it also may be smacking them alongside the head when they need it.  They are all raising good kids.  And they are doing it by being good dads.

So, to all of the dads out there - doing the work to raise your kids - Happy Dad's Day!

You Can't Always Get What You Want

"But if you try sometimes,
You just might find,
You get what you need."
~Rolling Stones

We sing that to the girls especially when they were younger and having a fit because they couldn't have something they really wanted.  Now they won't do it because, well, they don't want to hear the song.  But mainly because they know we aren't pushovers.

I have been reminded of this lately, not because the girls are requiring it be sung, but because I'm reminding myself that I can't always get what I want.  Whether it be the kind of work I want to do or some things in my personal life, it is just not happening lately.

And its frustrating the hell out of me.

Yeah, I know - welcome to life - but I have a few things working with me to achieve maximum frustration with this. The first is that I'm a control freak. I like things happening the way I like them happening. I don't just control situations for my best interest, but I know how things should go - so why won't they go that way damn it?!

But also, I like to control change - I like to be in the driver's seat or at least be navigator if I can't be at the wheel. Knowing that I have some level of control or at least input is a good feeling.  Being in the back where I have to just see where we go is just, well, not a comfortable place for me to be.

I am one of these crazy people who believes that life does not just happen - it is what we make it to be.  I believe that if you want something, you can have it.  You just need to work your ass off to get it.  You need to be brave enough to stand up and say what you want. You have to push aside the fear of failure and take a step into the scary unknown to see what happens.  You have to keep your eye not at where you are, but towards where you want to go - then go.

With my job, I'm at a cross roads. And I may have been standing here too long. I'm realizing that now. I'm realizing my sphere of influence is limited.  And I realized I got here by letting someone else take the lead. That realization annoys me.

In another area of my life, I have realized I am in a place I didn't expect to find myself. I ventured into an area that I have no experience, thus is uncharted for me.   While I am pretty surprised and happy with where I have landed, my inexperience with it is leaving me uncertain.  As things evolve, I'm realizing I don't know how solid the ground is.  Is it a thin sheet of ice? Is it solid granite? Is it quick sand?  To ask these things - to say them out loud - is not something I am comfortable with - a strange irony given I'll usually ask anything that comes into my mind.  I don't want to scare or offend the natives, if you will.  I don't want the way I feel to go away - the happy.

So, what I want isn't something I can get right now.

I find myself wondering if the universe (or the deity of your choice) is giving me what I need.

Do I need to be at the cross roads at work? Is this the celestial kick in the ass I need to get me going again? Or am I needing the change of pace?

Am I finding myself in this uncharted place because I need it? I need to work through the discomfort? I need to say things out loud without feeling like an idiot or worrying about offending someone?  Is this my "just go with it" lesson?

I am trying, at this point, to stop and look at things from other angles - to figure out if I'm missing something - if I can improve my perspective from a different vantage point.  Because being frustrated is interesting, but simply gets me more frustrated with myself which is loads of fun for the people close to me who have had to deal with me the past few days.

So as I start my Friday, I start it looking at things a different way. Trying to be okay being a passenger in the back - trying to enjoy the scenery and adventure. Trying to hold onto the happy feelings I have. Trying to reflect on the journey that got me to where I am in all areas because I know it isn't always the destination that is the lesson but the journey.

Time to enjoy the journey again.

HNT - Sun

Being in the sun, I felt it chase away the clouds that seemed to be inhabiting my heart and head.  The sunbeams bore into me and chased away those shadows of doubt - those negative thoughts that had been plaguing me for days - those fears that had me spending more time in the shadows than in the sun.

As I was outside in the yard pulling weeds, I had this overwhelming urge to lay naked in the sun - let it permeate my whole being to burn away that fog that remained.  I followed my urges, stripped off my clothes, and laid naked in the hammock soaking in the sun.

A smile found its way to my face for the first time in a week.  I had the urge to go play with friends. I had urge to be social.  I had urge to laugh and have fun.  A total change from where I was hours before.

It's amazing what a little sun can do for one's spirits.

Only downside?

I missed a spot when applying the sunscreen. Guess I could have used an extra set of hands.

Go see Os for a list of others playing this week.
Or OHNT for more fun.

Erotic Morning Thoughts

He gave me a kiss good-bye before he left the house going to work.  I was still laying in bed, naked, snuggled under the covers, half dozing.

It had been a long weekend away.  A weekend where sex was far from my mind even though my body was clearly in the mood.  I kept having to push that want from my mind as I focused on the task at hand.  

But this morning as I lay there warm in bed, those wants flooded my mind.  

The memories of the spanking he gave me at the party. The feeling of his hand as it gave me warm-up slaps, then delivered some harder blows.  Hearing his voice in my ear as he told me what a good grrl I was.  Having a friend come and hold my hands as I took my spanking from him.  When he were done, I could feel my ass glowing.  I could feel the heat coming from it.  And I could feel some bruises as I sat upon the spanking bench kissing him and thanking him. Then he left me on an endorphin high as he went his way, and I went mine.

I slid my hand between my legs and slowly started to circle my clit with a finger as my mind wandered. I could feel my nipples harden as my arousal built.

I thought about the smell of his rope later on that night - the smell hit me as he uncoiled the hemp rope, readying it to be put on my body.  It was my rope even - he brought it with him just in case - which made me smile.  I took off my shirt, and he wrapped the rope around my rib cage, over my breasts, over my shoulders and into a harness. The smell, the way his hands felt as he laid the rope against my skin, and the tightness of the rope on my skin had me wiggly and aroused.

Then he left me that way as he went off again, telling me that he would unwrap me later.

I started to change the pace of which I was stroking my clit and squeezed a nipple as I continued.

Because later, when later came, he met me in the crowd and pulled me close to him by grabbing the rope harness and giving it a tug.  My mouth found his quickly - teeth and tongue intermixed as we kissed.  He grabbed my hair and pulled my head back.  I closed my eyes and savored those feelings that I love - the feelings of submissions - the feeling that I've given him control over me - the trust I have given him.  His teeth found my neck as it was exposed, and he nibbled a path from my neck to my shoulder.  I moaned.  This dance of control continued until he led me away and untied me.

As I got closer to orgasm, I wished he was there in bed with me.  I wished he would come in quietly through the unlocked door, undress quickly, then slide between the sheets.  I knew he would take my nipple between his fingers and play with it in a way that would make me soaking wet.  I wanted the feel of his cock in my hand - in my mouth.  I wanted to feel him mouth on my body - biting me the way he does - the way that makes me moan.  Then I wanted him to fuck me.  Fuck me hard, then tease me a bit knowing what I really want but denying it.  I wanted to feel that buildup and that release - one he is so good at giving me.

And as I thought about those things - the night - what I wanted - I came hard - a release I have needed and been wanting.

In that post-orgasmic state, I decided that I needed to schedule a date with him so we can finish what we started the other night.

Robust

Robust was the word a mom (mom #2) on the two day field trip used to describe what three other girls needed to be after an incident occurred between the nine girls sharing a bunk.

The incident was a result of the girls being told to create a cabin skit.  The girls quickly divided into the four girls who had an idea - and the four girls who could not get the other four to articulate the idea.  One was a floater - loud enough to get heard and funny enough to deflect negative attention.  Despite mom #3 and my attempt to get the girls to listen to each other, the situation degenerated into the four bullying the other three causing one of them to cry.

DJ was one of the three.  Like me, the situation pissed her off.  When they went after her, she stood up to them.  Not getting weakness from her, they changed their target to a weaker victim and had her in tears.  The floater came and got us after I suggested we let the kids duke it out.  She was quite upset with the four who went after the other three - and she even called them bullies when describing the situation.

Mom #3 went in when she heard her daughter was a ring leader.  She was not happy - and defused the situation quickly. I had followed because I was not amused. I hate tween girl drama with a passion that is unmatched by most moms.  Plus, I am the most direct with the girls - and direct was what these girls needed.

I should mention my annoyance has little to do with the fact DJ was involved. I know DJ, and she can take care of herself. I was annoyed that they went after the girl whose mom left the family when she was five - then got married and started a new family. I know how hard it has been on this girl. I mean, moms don't leave kids. Or at least that is the way it is supposed to be.  The other girl they went after is autistic.  I don't have to say more on that one.

Having gotten into trouble, they finally started working together enough to get the skit together.  In the end, they all enjoyed themselves during the skit.  But the stress had created a solid division among the girls.

Saturday afternoon, Mom #2, Mom #3 and I are following our group back up to the lodge.  I had commented how happy I was that the girls seemed to come together on Saturday - a much better place to be compared to the day before. Mom #3 agreed.  And Mom #2 agreed than said, "you know, I've decided that it isn't my daughter's fault that the other girls aren't as robust as she is."

"Robust? So if a girl approaches a situation differently than your daughter, it is because she isn't as robust?" was my question.

She immediately backpedaled and tried to retract the word but her point was the same. The girls were clearly not as able to deal with situation was her point.  Since they didn't fight back or bowl her daughter over like her daughter does, they are clearly unable to deal with "normal kids stuff".

Can you say victim blaming?

"Look," I said, "kids as well as adults need to figure out how to get along with others. But just because a kid has a different communication style does not make them more or less robust than another.  And if my kid needs to figure out how to deal with loud and pushy kids, then your kid needs to learn how to work with people who aren't loud and pushy.  That is life - not robustness."

Mom #3 at this point is pretty quiet.  Mom #2 decided to turn the situation to herself. She explained how she thought she knew everything when she was that age too, but as she got older, she realized how little she knew.

"Well, I found my ego as I got older - and discovered that I'm right more than I'm wrong in many situations. It's funny how we are as adolescence can influence how much we grow as adults."

They laughed at the way I said it. But, it is the truth.  I was just like DJ. I had my own interests. I didn't act like my peers. I didn't think like my peers. If they acted like that, I rolled my eyes and walked away instead of trying to get them to listen.  I learned early on to just shut up when around certain personality types.  The only difference between my approach and DJ's?  She truly doesn't care what they think.  And she will say it.  She is dead on with what she says.  She just says it in a way that slams them all.

After this discussion with the moms, DJ sat next to me while I was sitting next to other adults. She laid her head on my shoulder.  "Why are you not with the other kids?" I asked.

"They are soooo annoying.  You know what they said to me yesterday? They told me that I was not part of the group since I was not arguing with them.  How mean is that?"

"What did you tell them?"

"I pointed out that they were telling everyone who was doing what - and that it was them that were not including us. But they kept saying that was our problem - not theirs.  How can you be in charge of the parts, skip three of us, then tell us it was our fault if she wasn't doing her job? It was just annoying."

"Next time someone says you were going to not be part of the group, tell them it is that person who is not being part of the group.  They are being excluded, not you.  It will kind of mess with them."

DJ started giggling, "I like that. She would have just been confused by it."

"Exactly."

"I just don't know why they have to act like this. Who cares if I like things they don't like. I mean, it's who I am.  I may not get why they like to dance around like idiots, but I'm not mean to them because of it. Why do they have to be like this?"

What I couldn't tell her was it was because they were allowed to treat people like that. I could not tell them that I discovered that their parents were like that, so they were raising kids like that.

"DJ, you are a kid who gets who you are. They are not. We can only hope they will figure it out. Until then, you just need to keep doing what you are - try to get along, but walk away shaking your head at their stupidity when they are not. It's all you can do."

While I am glad my daughter is self aware, it sucks that she has to deal with kids (and their parents) who are not.  What's ironic about this weekend was the fact this was a chance for the kids to push their limits. It was a chance for the kids to learn how to work together to do things.  In the end, the ring leaders of the drama in our cabin struggled.  DJ and the others? They rocked it.  They embraced the challenges while the other girls whined and excluded themselves.  I hate seeing this foreshadowing of the things to come for these kids - all of them - but it was.  I can only hope their epiphany comes sooner rather than later.

Because they clearly were not demonstrating "robustness".

Ahh, sweet irony.

Motivational Monday

First off, I survived the weekend.  There will be a post about my fun with the other moms.

Until then, motivation for your Monday and your week!

I liked this one a lot when I saw it.  I think we all run from our fears in one way or another.  A great reminder that if you are running - run towards the goal is more efficient rather than running from something you are afraid of.  Use the energy in a good way versus a less productive one.

Often time who we are in our heads is not who we really are.  Funny how things could change with a minor change in our thinking about ourselves.

I simply liked what hope stands.  Makes hope a bit easier than some people think it is if it is simply having positive expectations.

Don't go through life keeping a tally of what you feel you are owed. Do it because it is the right thing to do. Do it because it holds no consequence to you in that moment or looking forward. Do it because it costs you nothing to give someone what they need in that moment. Don't do it because they will owe you.  When you start collecting debts of that sort, you will find almost everyone will default on that loan simply because they didn't realize it was a loan.

Happy Monday!

My Weekend

This morning while you all (or y'all if you are so inclined) are reading this post, I am with a bunch of 11 year olds in the woods.  

They are doing a ropes course.

I'm scared of heights.

I brought my camera in hopes that I can get out of the stuff by capturing the moment for the families.

Let's hope it worked.

I left yesterday at 9am with a car full of kids and a back full of their crap.  They promise I will be back by 12:30pm on Sunday.

I hope so as I decided against taking my flask.  

Pray to the deity of your choice for me. :)

The Holy Grail of Sorts

The elusive search for it.  

Trying to figure out the how and the what.  And deep searching outside of you for something that can only be found within.

Ironic, isn’t it?

That the thing we seek is with us all the time - and not an external destination.

Hubman wrote something this week where this line stood out for me:

“my happiness will not depend on others anymore.”

What a powerful statement.

I am guilty of it myself - sometimes looking at others or circumstances or my job to bring me the happiness I desire.  In the end, when I am happy with me is when I feel truly happy.  

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy the company of others. I enjoy my job. I enjoy my family and my husband.  But they cannot make me happy.  Only I have that ability.

And that ability comes from me making things happen for me.  It comes from understanding what I can and cannot control or what I should not even try to control.  And people - people are the factor I will not even try to control because I can’t.  They are their own people. I must trust that what I get from them is a result of them trying to achieve their own goals - to overcome their own things - to find that inner happy.

And while I will not be friends with someone who is being ruthless - someone who is leaving a line of bodies behind him/her in his/her wake, it is my choice who I let into my life, so for those people I choose to walk away from them - to exclude them.

I realize that what I want isn’t always what I get.  Whatever your spirituality, I believe the universe gives you what you need at the moment.  Just the other day, I kept getting caught in situations where my only choice was to be patient.  I got caught at a bridge lift. I got caught waiting for a train.  I got caught waiting for things totally and completely outside of my control.  And all I could do was wait.  There was no point in being unhappy - because it was outside of what I could control.  All I could do is react by waiting.  

All this past week, I had been fretting and unhappy at the future.  At the possibilities of things to come.  And my frustration is around not being able to control them.  I haven’t felt patient. I haven’t felt happy. I have been trying to figure out what I can control without self destructing.  In the end all I can do is be patient and have faith that like the train or the boat passing under the bridge, that this too shall pass.  

Funny how much peace that realization can bring. 

When I am the happiest, it is when I am the happiest with myself. It is when I am accepting what life is bringing me - and reacting in a way that gives me peace.  It is when I ride the wave versus fight against it.  And if there is something I truly want, I negotiate it knowing that maybe right now is not the time I can get it. 

Because in the end, the only thing we control is our reaction to situations.  We can choose to laugh or cry, we can choose to be angry or accepting, we can choose to be happy or not happy.  And it is our own choices that help us find happy more than anything or anyone else can.

And I know when I look at it all this way, I can truly say that "life is good".

HNT - Reading

"There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."

~Will Rogers

I don't think I can classify myself as one of those three kinds of "men". Depends for me on the subject. Sometimes reading it in a hot tub with a glass of wine is right. Sometimes it only works if I go jump in with both feet and do it myself.  I must admit, the sexier of the pursuits are best jumped into. Makes it more electrifying. Granted, sometimes watching is fun too. 

Check with Os to watch others play this week.

Or OHNT for more fun.

Photos and Ramblings

I haven't posted any photos in way too long. I am loading them to my smugmug site.  I have 321 of them so far this year.  While not doing the 365 project directly, I am still shooting shit load of shots.  Quality vs quantity though.

Thought I would share some:

Last weekend, I shot some photos of the bees having fun collecting pollen on my brocoli plant. Truth be told, the plant needs to be pulled, but seeing a dozen honey bees going to town prevented me from doing it. Instead, I grabbed my camera.

The cat enjoying a sunny day

I love how her whiskers are curved in the smile she did have on her face.

The Fremont Troll in Seattle - from when we were up there with the family for SEAF. Great memories.

G with his camera phone took one of my favoriate (and only) pictures of me and Domenico.  It still makes me smile when I see it.  Good times.

G has spent a lot of time on his engine on his VW bus.  This is an old engine block. Looks like a bat, doesn't it? Guess staring at something for so long will result in seeing things that aren't there. 

And tis the season for eight million flora photos

An afternoon wandering NW Portland with Lili, G and Domenico found things like these:

the karma newspaper

A weird view of the adorned horse that is always outside a shop.

As always, my gallery is here. It is added to frequently.

My head has been all over the place the last few days. I don't know why. Well, I know why, but I don't know why I'm obsessing about it - or why the thoughts wont leave my head.  I think it is because chaos has been king lately.  I don't do well with chaos.  And in only a few instances has spontaneity yielded not only a good result but a fabulous one.  I know I'm being vague. I'm just not in the mood for details right now. I want my brain to turn off so I can just be.  How Buddhist of me.

Now for some snark because, it's Wednesday and it seems like the right thing to do.

And finally, whenever I see this, I think of a few people this applies to....

Now that I think about it, this goes for many people I know. I am so grateful for meeting them.

Happy Hump Day

A New Day

Today is a new day. A new day for things to go right instead of wrong. A new day for a new attitude.

At least that's what I'll be reminding myself today - repeatedly.

I had a Monday where if something could happen, it seemed to happen.  And few things went well.

G drove the VW bus to school yesterday. A huge milestone for him given the distance - the uphill drive, etc.  He got the girls all loaded up and drove off.  As I stood on the porch watching them, I thought "where's my cordless drill?"

Late the night before, we had finished the minor tweaks on the jeep soft top installation, and the tools and drill were put up on the porch like they have been for the last couple of weeks.  We don't have a garage, so things get stored on our porch.

Since the corded drill was still there, I wondered if it got brought into the house.  Hmm..

"I wonder if he took his toolbox with him?" as I noticed it was also missing.

No, he didn't.

It got stolen along with the cordless drill.

FUCK.

While I was confirming that G did not have it, I heard banging outside.  I opened the door to investigate to find someone trying to snag the hard top doors as scrap.  I yelled at them, and they ran away.

The fifth time in 3hrs, I hit my limit. Especially since they had 2 of the 4 doors in their car already. I scared the shit out of them as I come storming out of the house yelling "what the fuck are you doing??"  There were apologies, returning of the doors, and hurrying off.

I was pissed, so I lugged the heavy fucking doors to a place where no one can see them from the street.  Then I wondered if the huge metal hard top was going to disappear next. It's huge and by the fence at the top of my driveway.  Might have to find a place to move it given how bad people are being right now.

I went to the bank yesterday to deal with some bank related brownie stuff.  No big deal.....or it shouldn't have been. They were busy, so I waited - forever.  Forever just to have everything go wrong. I had to reach out to the treasurer of the troops who basically then belittled me by saying I did it wrong.  Uhm, no....the bank was pretty clear I had my ducks in a row.  Had nothing to do with me.  It was the organization.  So now I have to go deal with it again and will have the same result.

By this time, it is 12:30pm. Because of the bank debacle, I was scrambling. I had the last brownie meeting of the year.  I was not going to be able to do what I had planned. Now I was going to have to punt.  13 little girls - and me - and punting.  I suck. Or at least that's how I felt. I felt disorganized and just that I sucked.

Dye and eight year olds was probably a bad combination that I should have seen.  We tie dyed tshirts. A fun activity - and a VERY messy one.  I managed to keep the dye on the kids rather than their clothes.  And the two kids who did get the dye on their clothes, their parents were like "whatever".  They had fun, I stressed out, and it was all done.

I got back home to wait for Domenico to drop off an IP camera he was loaning me for the front of the house. He arrived, handed me the camera, and was walking out to his truck when G called. The VW bus died close by. He was freaking.  We drove over to it - discovered the battery was dead for some reason - and they got it jumped and home.  A quick discussion between the guys in terms of what could be happening, and Domenico headed out.

G was stressed. He was all over the place in terms of what to do next. By this time, it's 6pm. I'm hungry. The girls are hungry. And he's ready to go work on the bus for an hour before heading to his VW meeting.  Oh, and I had work I had to get done for, well, work.  I finally said we are going to the VW meeting now so that I can get my work done, and he can step away from the stress.

While I'm working, I started getting pinged by a friend.  She was checking in with me - and making me laugh as I was working.  TL and I chatted for the first time in too long (we both agreed) and had a great talk while we both worked.

I did not realize how stressed I was until I was exhaling.  As I told Domenico earlier - I was annoying myself with my annoyance with everything.  Not a good place to be mentally.  But sitting there, listening to my music, working on some work stuff, and chatting with people I haven't for a while - it was good.

So today will hopefully be a better day.  Today will be a great day.  I won't have the issues I had yesterday. I'm going to let those go as there will inevitably be new issues today.  Or at least that is what I will remind myself as today goes on.

Motivational Monday

I tend to drop my anger like a hot potato....a hot potato that burns you and requires you to yell, scream and curse beforehand.  But none the less, when the burning stops, I move on.

Nothing saddens me more than someone who believes it is too late for them to do something.  It's too late for them to follow their dream. Too later for them to have the life they always wanted. Too late to change.  It is never too late. Never. 

Too often, I see people define or ruin themselves by the crap that happens.  Instead of learning from it and using it to make themselves better.  And, as the sign implies, it is all a choice of the person its happening to.  

Too often, we let what happened yesterday (or in the past) take up too much of the present.  I recall the first time G and I got into a huge argument.  In the middle of the fight, he started dragging up things that happened in the past. I was dumbfounded that he would even give it the time today. There were new issues to deal with - not that old crap that happened when we were in a different place, when we were different people.  I changed my tact immediately to defining our rules of engagement during fights - and rule #1 was don't let the past be brought into the present.  We both have chosen to let it go.  Wish more people would let shit go too.