Sunday, July 31, 2011

A Whole Lot 'o Photos

I haven't posted photos in a while, so I figured I would bombard you with the ones I have taken.

You can always check out my photos on this site.


Photo & Video Sharing by SmugMug
Love this converted sign in the industrial district near downtown.



Downtown Portland


The lock on the East Promenade near the Willamette River. 


I like his beard.




These are the urban goats that people can rent to have them clear empty lots of weeds and such.  Neat idea - and fun to watch.  This lot is about 15 blocks from downtown.




There are like 6 types of different goats in the herd.




One of the art carts at Last Thursday in the Alberta District.


Love the broken parasols.




Haystack Rock as the fog rolls in.











Whiplash

I had every intention of writing today about my night last night - a night I had needed for a while. A night I had wondered if it would happen.  A night that was what I truly needed.  But I think I mentioned that.  A night that left me feeling happy and satiated and feeling like I had finally had a win.

Funny how a smile can turn upside down so quickly.

Funny how that floaty feeling can result in just the opposite.

The road to hell is paved with the best intentions.  I just wish that, on occasion, the best intention wouldn't pave over my smile.  Wouldn't make me frustrated.  Wouldn't make me feel like my feelings are unimportant.

I guess this is just simply life.  With every up there is a down.  It's the whiplash that I can't handle.  That feeling like my good feeling is over and life can go on as thought it never happened.  When having it happen actually gave me something I had needed - hope.

Not being allowed to linger. Not being allowed to actually settle into that nice fuzzy feeling sucks.  It's just like sitting in that sunbeam you have been wanting while the storm has been going on - only to have that storm roll in just as you sit down and start to exhale.

I want my sunbeam. damnit!

I want my smile.

I want to be allowed a moment of happy.

I want that feeling of hope that things are going to be better.

Is that too much to ask?

Saturday, July 30, 2011

e[lust] #28



Photo courtesy of Delilah
Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #29 (Which will be in September, taking a short summer break)? Start with the rules and subscribe to the RSS feed and Twitter for updates and submission reminders.
~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~
What makes me a woman? - It’s a stumper, this question. There must be something that makes me a woman. Something more than how I am perceived by others as I walk down the street. But what is the answer?
Baggage: An Inventory - Everyone brings bags with them. My goal is to carry my own bags. I’ll let people help me shed them, but I will never let them carry them. Those bags are my own to, well, own.
There's pain and then there's pain (and then there's pain) -Part of what I crave in the second type of pain is the selfish sadism of the partner who continues despite my pleas. He does it because it arouses him, and he does it because I'll endure it for him.
~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~
What Is Gender? - Playing with dolls and preferring the color pink doesn’t make you a girl anymore than chewing on a bone makes you my dog.
~ e[lust] Editress: Dangerous Lilly ~
Sex Toys: Single or Partnered, there is no shame in owning them - There’s no fucking shame in owning your sexuality, in taking control of your own damn orgasm. Can you PREFER human contact and partnered sex to sex toys? Sure. You can prefer whatever the fuck you want. But don’t insinuate to me that owning a lot of sex toys is somehow bad or shameful.
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable ~after this point~. Thank you, and enjoy!
New Blogger Education Posts
Blog Design 101: Balancing Personal Style vs Readability

A Cautionary Word on Joining Affiliate Programs
Kink & Fetish
BDSM Day, an international recognition

BDSM Advice Series: Bondage Tape

Being a Brat Can Hurt

Caning, energy and romance

Screw roses! I enjoy playing with Thorns...

Working Girl
Erotic Writing
A Trip to the Toy Store

Can I get into your knickers now?

Coffee Break

early afternoon

Elevator Shaft

Fogged-up Windows

Fucking Eli

FWB

I'll see you tonight...

One on One

Open By Night

Overtime

Rock Out With My Cock Out

Renewed Interest

Twenty/Fifty-Three

that little fucking game changer [part I]

the weekend away - Sunday
Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor
Death By Bondage

Hypocrite, PA-Rant!

kink labels....is there a place for me? (or someday my kink will come)

Things I Looove Thursday
Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships
Ask PolyAnna: Multiple partners?? Safer sex??

Are My Nipples Getting The Correct Signals?

Evolution

More Pussy Pride - The Perfect Vagina

My Take On Masculinity

Rambling Harlot: On Internet Dating and Shyness

Sex and Catholic Schools

Sex And Disability: Starting the Dialogues

Friday, July 29, 2011

Looking for Good

Years ago, there was this popular self-help-ish sort of book that was based on a simple idea.  The idea was that we are really good at seeing all of the negative shit in our live that we forget to look for the positive stuff.  So, we end the day feeling like nothing good happened, but the honest truth is that we simply have allowed the bad to be more of a presence and overshadow the good stuff. 

I never read the book, but this idea when I heard about it was interesting.  Me being a skeptic about stuff, I decided to disprove this fact.  And proved the author right quite easily.  (Forgive me, I don't recall the book or the author.)  The author's suggestion was that we take time during the day to recall 3-5 good things that happened in our day so that we get used to giving the good in our lives some time in the sun instead of focusing only on the negative. 

As I end this week, I am going to end it on a positive note with my list of good things:
  • The unexpected phone call from my brother that ended with him sincerely telling me that I need to remember that I have family close by.  Family who when shitty things happen will be there for me.  No one from my family has ever said that to me before.  Usually I am the one saying it to them.  Took me by surprise.
  • Sunshine! The sun came back to the PNW and reminded us that it is, indeed, July (almost August).
  • Freshly mowed lawn. Love the smell, love looking at the yard and seeing it look nice. And it always means that you can freely walk thru the yard without the risk of doggie landmines.
  • Sitting under the arbor on a summer day and working.  Best home office ever!
  • Reading that a bedridden Twitter friend who is sharing her daily trials of remaining pregnant is still pregnant and has hit 25 weeks.  Given her struggles to get pregnant, I'm happy she is still pregnant.
  • Indigo feeling a million times better.  Seeing her normal again is a nice feeling.
  • Walking along through a crowd and feeling the hand of someone I care about take mine.
  • Seeing our friends' chickens use the BBQ as their stepping stone of sorts to reach their roosting point which is on the porch railing next to said BBQ grill.  Makes me giggle.
  • Seeing people I care about working things out even though that road is never easy, but seeing them take it anyway. 
  • Gloaming after a sunny clear day.  It's a gorgeous time to be outside especially where we live. Here gloaming hangs around a bit longer than anywhere else I've ever been.
  • Finding Otter Pops in the chest freezer in the basement.
  • Having our yellow lab drop a sock in my lap, then sitting there begging because he wants to play fetch.  Then playing fetch with him for half an hour.  This is a big deal as our 10 year old lab rarely wants to play fetch anymore because of his arthritis.  
  • Seeing my husband's rope practice buddy break her silence about her rape and write about it so beautifully.  The strength it took to write about it in our little community where people are going to know her rapist is pretty amazing.  I'm very happy she found the strength to do it.
  • Getting a picture of a bear suspended in rope from a hard point.  Made me chuckle.
  • Two tween geeky girls getting excited about an upcoming convention, and planning their outfits including figuring out the mechanics of weaponry.  Awesome!
  • Impromptu bubble fights while two tween girls are doing dishes. That was hilarious.
  • But not as hilarious as seeing two tween girls singing geeky songs while doing dishes.  
  • Impromptu visits from friends - and seeing their 1-year old go crazy over our yellow lab and a toy we found for her.  And seeing our yellow lab guarding her like he used to with Indigo and DJ.  
  • My wisteria blooming again.
  • Fresh produce from my garden - peas, lettuce, raspberries and the last strawberry.
  • Finding out that my submission made top 3 story in the elust edition.  
  • Having someone at my current place of employment wonder aloud why they are letting me leave because I'm needed.
  • Having my gnomes take over the backyard with the kids hiding them to freak people out.
  • Friends over talking, eating, drinking and laughing until it is later than we thought.
What are the good things that have happened in your week?

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

HNT - Looked Over

click the pic, please.
"It’s better to be looked over than overlooked." 
-Mae West

Check out the other players this week, by visiting Os.
Or OHNT for eve more people playing.

Snarky Wednesday

I don't have the energy to finish writing the things I've started today.  Not enough coffee yet, I guess.  Instead, I thought I would spread the snark today.  Or as I rephrased for a tween yesterday (who didn't appreciate that her comments were called snarky) tactless truths.

We joke in our house that, to quote Barbie, "Math is hard." To know me is to know I almost had a minor in Math, which makes it even funnier when I say it.  I'm waiting for one of the girls to announce this to G.  I mean, they are my girls.  And snark is already in their blood as they show daily.

Actually what was funny yesterday was listening to DJ tell her friend the story about my FIL lecturing her about the word "yes".  " 'Do you know how to use the word 'yes'?!" he said all annoyed. So I looked at him and said 'yeah, I do.'  He didn't like that." as she laughed at what she had done.  I shouldn't be so amused that my FIL is fucked if he thinks this shit will fly with my girls.  Bwahahaha!

Anyway....

After my monthly attempt to get all dirty clothes in the house washed - and still failing - I decided maybe our nudist - Indigo - is onto something.  Maybe not, because, ironically, she had the most clothes to wash....hmm.....


I know someone who needs to be reminded of this next time he bites my neck while hugging me goodbye. Granted, in the street in front of the neighbors on a Saturday afternoon was probably not the time or place for him to take his clothes off, but still. ;-)

The previous owners of our house had two chows, and several beware of dog signs posted given they had two chows.  We left them up, but I think I need to replace it with this sign.  Maybe including something like "And don't get me started about the chickens" at the end. 

Speaking of livestock, I met a neighbor last weekend who had - get this - goats.  She was walking them out in the neighborhood.  This could be dangerous given G wants goats.  Maybe he can just go visit them.



I think this would make a perfect business card. Hand it to someone who is just being a total jerk, and walk away. 

And finally....
Happy Wednesday Day!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Saturday in the ER

When G was going to be out of town, my inlaws leaped at the opportunity to get their grandkids for the entire time.  They were excited and happy and rejecting all answers but yes.  Cool, I thought, I get about 5-6 days solo. A vacation for me too.
24 hrs after they left with the kids, I got the call.  "Indigo has a very high fever.  You need to call the doctor."

I asked what it was. 101 was the response.  I asked about other symptoms.  She was cold (of course, she has a fever) and sleepy (yeah, her body is fighting the illness).  She complains her tummy hurts.  That one could be iffy.  If you ask her at any time if something hurts, she will say yes.  It's her way.  Complete with sad face.

I explained that it sounded like a virus.  Especially after hearing that my FIL had just gotten over a 24hr stomach bug.  Sounded like she had caught it to me.  Give her some advil (told them how much) and have her rest.

I got a call 30 minutes later. She had vomited - and her temp was now 104.  May I ask who take the temperature of a person after they have vomited?  I know with me, the body reboot, if you will, bumps up my temp for an hour or so. Then it goes back to where it has been.  I also know that 104 in a kid may sound high, but really is not.

But they were not taking my answers. It was being demanded that I call the doctor. Fine, I said, I will call the advice nurse and see what she has to say. It was 10:30pm when they called. Could be midnight before I hear back.

The nurse confirmed for me what I had suspected.  Virus. Temp was not high for a kid. Give more meds and fluids.  If the fever lasts more than several days, then call back for some more tests.

This was all relayed. Told them to call with a report in the morning.

"We've got it handled here.  No worries about us."

Yeah, no worries.

The next morning at exactly 8am, they called.  Temp was still high - 101-102.  She had not vomited anymore.  She was asking for milk.  (NO was my response - no milk!  My daughter craves it and it just keeps the vomit cycle going over and over again.  Been there; done that - just say no.)  I talked to her. She sounded better - not 100% but definitely headed the right way.  Told her to give her more drugs.  Let her sleep, etc.  Told them I would come get her after work if that would help things.  No, they said, it's all good. We have it covered.

They called at lunch to report she had eaten finally and was taking a nap.  Her temp was still "super high" - 101.  Concern was raised that if I don't call the doctor soon, this could get worse.  I explained that the doctor sees patients on Saturday for exactly this reason, so I wasn't worried.  Plus, she was getting incrementally better.  Her body was fighting it.  I wasn't too worried.  Indigo is known for this when she gets a bug.

Later that night, they called in a panic - sort of.  Wanted me to do something, but maybe Monday.  By this point, I offered to come get her.  They were worried. They were going a bit stir crazy. I would come get her and take care of her.  No, no, they said.  They were fine.

Who else wants to call them a liar?

They called G on his trip to report another issue.  She was going to the bathroom frequently.  Maybe there was a different problem we should look at when he returns.

This is when I put the two things together not one of them had - she may have a kidney infection.

I've had three in my life - and each time the infection presented symptoms one would not think of as a kidney infection.  In fact, many times they present exactly like with her - fevers, cold, weird stomach.  I called them back - after talking to G - and told them I'd be calling the doc in the morning.

And they tried to argue with me.  They have been calling every 4hrs over the past two day - and they are arguing with me.  Whatever.

I get up early Saturday so I can call immediately when they open. I know the drill. I'll have to hold for 10 minutes before I can leave a message. Then I will leave one, wait an hour, and get a call back.  The appointment will be made 60-90 min past that.

Glad I got up early because they called at 7:30 with the report of a "high temp" of 101.  Sounded like they had stopped the Tylenol the day before because they read the directions and found there was a dosage limit per day.  Whatever. I was taking her into the doctor, I may or may not return her when I'm done.

By 10:15 am, we were in the office.  The nurse put the same things together that I had, agreed with my assessment, and ordered a urine test.  Results: she might have one.

The doctor did the usual poking and prodding at the tummy - checking kidneys, etc.  Indigo reported it was tender on the right side.  Oh, crap, I thought.  I knew where this was going - appendicitis.

Sure enough, the doc had the same concern.  Layer on top of it the fact that this doc happens to do medical review of malpractice cases.  Guess what she just reviewed? A case of a girl - about Indigo's age - who had similar symptoms, similar test results, and treated for a kidney infection.  She had appendicitis. Three surgeries later, the infection was under control - and the parents were pissed.

She called the pediatric ER at the local hospital to see if they could get her in for assessment.  And off we went to the ER.  I sent my MIL home.  I knew it would be a while, and sitting there dealing with her was not where I wanted to be.  She fled without me even finishing the sentence.

They got us in, checked her out, then sent for an ultrasound.

What we later found out was that the technician was on call. She was on her way in.  And by the way, there were three total she needed to do - and Indigo was #2.   While waiting, her fever was coming back - she was shivering and cold. I had to go out and ask for meds.  They gave them to her after some discussion.  Then I went out to get her something to drink - she was dying of thirst given it had been 4 hours since she had anything.  The water was denied.  In case of surgery, they wanted to keep her stomach empty.

An hour later, the ultrasound was done.  Indigo fell asleep during it.  When it happened, I shook my head - no appendicitis there if she could get poked and prodded in the area for 30 minutes and fall asleep.

She slept - and I waited some more.  The ER doc agreed with me - no way this kid has it if she fell asleep.  But, procedure dictates we wait.

As he and I were talking, I noticed Indigo was sweaty. I reached over to feel her forehead to find it was cool.  Fever had broken finally.  That was progress.

By 3pm, they kicked us out with a follow up with your pediatrician Monday if it persists.  Rest, relax, treat the comfort more than the fever - the usual prescription.  The same one they gave me the day before and the day before.  The one that the in-laws didn't believe.  We left starving since neither of us had eaten since about 8am. 

I called them and told them she was staying with me.  My FIL immediately started arguing why they were right to be cautious and concerned.  Funny he went there because I hadn't.  I was just calling them because I figured they were worried about their granddaughter who could have appendicitis.  Yes, that was my response.  They had their chance to believe me - they chose not to, then put me in a position which meant I had to take action I would likely not have taken.  The events triggered weren't bad ones given the experience of those medical people involved. Just sad that, in the end, Mom was right the first 12 times I said it. 

They wanted me to call them later last night, but I had decided if they were concerned, they can call. Petty? Nope. While they waited for me to report, I heard from many people in my life.  Texts were flying.  Offers to bring food were made.  Online friends were offering support too.  Nothing from them.  Even after all the backseat parenting and panic, I have spent the last two days getting from them.

Indigo ended Saturday night with her fever back.  More drugs were given, I wrapped her up in her favorite fuzzy blankets, we curled up together on the couch, and we watched movies.  She fell asleep and is having funny dreams.  She's twitching like a puppy. 

I do hope she kicks this bug.  Our first warm, sunny day in a while - and she's sick.  What an awful feeling.  Always hated getting a bug in the summer for that reason.  Fingers crossed.

And thank you for your well wishes yesterday on Twitter. It was nice having company as I was sitting there waiting and waiting and waiting. 

Monday, July 25, 2011

Motivational Monday

Always remember this when you meet people.  I am a victim of this at times.  People assume that because I live how I do now, for example, that this is the life I have always been accustomed.  Nope.  I know government cheese (and butter) and was a kid whose school lunches were free and/or reduced.  People see me now and assume they know my story.  Nope.  Most don't.  And that assumption typically gets them into trouble.  Don't do this to others.  It may have been a long, tough road that got them where they are.  And they likely will not wave that flag.

A good rule. Don't just fill the air with words just because you can. Sometimes silence is the better course that cannot be improved upon.  Consider it.

This about this one next time you feel like one person is fucking up your life.  Why are you letting that one person have so much control? There are many MANY other fish in the seas - friends and/or lovers.  Throw that person back - and catch another one.


I told a friend this story about a month ago when something was overshadowing a lot of things.  She was having a hard time seeing anything as positive because of one thing.  When I played softball, I simultaneously played the worst and the best game of my fast pitch career.  The first inning, I was catching - and I didn't knock down a pitch that was thrown. The runner on base scored - and it pissed me off because I should have done knocked the pitch down.  I should have been able to do it.  After that moment, everything I did was not right. I felt I was in a downward spiral and wondered why they didn't just pull me out of the fucking game. No one could talk to me.  I was angry at myself - I was letting the team down - and each inning, my anger would grow.  The bottom of the final inning and we were down a run. The runners were in position for us to either tie or win the game. And I was up to bat.  I hit a triple and scored the winning run. While everyone was celebrating, I was thinking it was the least I could do given how much I fucked up. 

My dad came onto the field and gave me a huge hug telling me how great of a game I had.  "Your best game I have ever seen you play in" was his final words. I stood there looking at the man like he had something growing out of his forehead.  Given the apple didn't fall far from the tree, he started running down all of the things I did that made this my best game.  I had missed every one of them.  Why? I was focused on that one fucked up pitch in the first inning that I missed.  A pitch, according to my dad, was a wild pitch and not my error. 

How I perceived things and how they really happened were in a huge disparity.  I learned in that moment that I needed to not let anger take me down that rabbit hole.  Doing so would just color the world in a way that was not accurate.  And I would miss the good things happening around me - things that could drag me out of that funk or away from that bad thing. 

And even though it's Monday:

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Skipping HNT, Being Goofy Instead

My first HNT in a while that I've missed.  I need to take some photos.  Didn't feel like doing something quick and already done, so skipped it instead.  Gotta feel it, if you're gonna do it.

I'm in a weird mood today.  I blame The Bloggess.  Have you discovered her?  Today she has a picture of her cat with a bag of frozen veggies to help swelling post-neutering.  If not, go read her stuff.  I got hooked a while ago, but would drift in and out as time allowed.  The discovery of the Giant Chicken story did me in.  I was laughing so hard I was crying.  Go, read it.

I also saw this video on this post:
Watch it - it's great.  Explains what she is all about.

I also heard her interview on NH public radio about the chicken story.  She talked about dealing with the haters.  She explains how someone telling her face to face how offended they are about what she write is presented with her business card which says "Only assholes get offended."  She explains how she deals with stalkers and hate email - ways that are hilarious. And had me looking at how I deal with it - liking her way the best.  Click here to listen to it and laugh.

As I explained to a friend, definitely gives a great perspective of how to turn something angry and negative into an opportunity to laugh and have fun - even if its at their expense.  Why let it drag you down, if you can use it to lift you up.  I like that approach. More fun than being angry.

Today, so far, I have used a weird analogy to explain to a frustrated girl friend why it takes saying the same thing over and over and over again before a guy in her life finally understands it.  And of course, when he does, it's like brand new like she's never said it before.  My explanation: "boys seem to need to hear it several different ways until one penetrates their noggin - kinda like millions of sperm trying to get into the egg…..only one will do it - and sometimes, none will be successful." 
Sorry, guys, but it's the truth. Remember my experience: brothers, lots of male cousins, male dominated field - I've had a long education of how guys think. (Much to my dismay some days.)  And women, we usually have no problem bombarding them with it.  Or at least, I don't.

I have also gotten into the most confusing conversation ever with a cohort.  First off, I'm happy he actually called me after the weirdest most confusing voice mail I left him earlier.  After I hung up, I thought, "Good God, what did I say?!"  He called back, and we continued the odd conversation trend.  One that finally ended with a "write out the math equation version of what you guys WANT to use."  I could swear what they say they want is what they said they DIDN'T want last week.  See, math skills are necessary after high school. 

Or at least communication skills which apparently I also need given I did this --------->


Finally, I have decided that this is how I'm going to get my kids to clean their rooms:

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Right Words

"I am glad to hear the right words have found you at the right time! "

I liked that phrase when the Wayward Celt said them to me on Twitter last week.  I had been dealing with a bunch of crap - crap that was starting to weigh on me - crap that was starting to make me wonder why me.  And in response to a post, I think, he said something I needed to hear.

While the other stuff and my thoughts were starting to weigh me down, he seemingly random observation reminded me who I am.  Not someone who life happens to - but a do-er.  Someone who is going to rock it - even if it isn't easy.  At that moment, it was what I needed to hear. I needed to hear it without even realizing it until I heard it.

The right words found me at the right time.

During that same time frame, a friend said to me something I also needed to hear without realizing it.  We were at the local monthly kink party. We had just stopped playing with rope when she looked at me and said "you are not second to me."  A seemingly random remark that cut through the loud activity around us and spoke straight to my heart.  We hugged. I thanked her.

The right words found me at the right time.

Just a few days ago, G and I were talking about a situation that has been on my mind lately.  I had been venting a bit at the frustration I was feeling about the short sightedness of the situation.  I worried about the consequences of it even though it really wasn't my problem long-term.  I worried I was losing credibility due to my openly expressed concerns. 

He stopped and said, "you know that house I wanted to buy. The house I was trying hard to convince you we needed to buy?"  I gave him a look of confusion as it had nothing to do with what I had been talking about, so he continued.  "I never have told you how happy I am that you talked me out of it.  Whenever I think I'm looking at the big picture, you make me realize it is far from the big picture. It is a narrow window.  But when you look at things, you always look at the big picture even if it pains you to say it because someone doesn't want to hear it - or it has a negative ramification to you personally.  You know how to step outside of yourself and think long-term.  Thank you for that. I don't think you get enough credit for that which is why you get concerned in situations where long-term, big-picture needs to be considered.  You should never feel bad about it because you do it."

He rendered me speechless.

The right words found me at the right time.

Words are powerful.  The right words are tricky.  But sometimes, if you speak from your heart, you will say exactly what the listener needs to hear.  And the listener will hear exactly what they need without realizing it.  The right words will find them at the right time.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Lizard

I have heard a few times jealousy being described as a primitive lizard that dwells in a cave in your brain.  You never really realize this lizard lives there until something doesn’t sit well, and it comes out of its cave, clears its throat, and makes its presence known.

And when it makes its presence known - it never does it in a way you can ignore it. Nope. It does it in the most perfect way possible. In some cases, it roars loudly - a rage of jealousy. In other cases, it is the quiet voice that runs counter to what you are thinking and hoping.   Both cases, it causes the person with said awakened lizard grief.

The brain in circumstances tells one story.  It looks at the situation and says “Hey, this happened because, well, it happened. There are no motives. There are no hidden meanings. It is what it is. Nothing more, nothing less.”

The Lizard knows this isn’t entirely the way you feel.  It knows you feel differently. It knows you are disappointed or upset or angry or sad. It is familiar with those tricker emotions, and it knows how to circumvent the brain in a way where logic is overridden by feelings.  And it knows how to get you to listen to it.

My Lizard surprises me at times when it makes it’s appearance. Sometimes it simply comes out of its cave, clears its throat, and demands attention.  And my brain, it being a creature of logic and inquiry is stupid enough to ask “what’s up?”  From there, all hell breaks loose as the lizard and brain begin a battle using my feelings as ammo.  It leave me conflicted and battered and sore in ways a physical battle would not do. 

And when the battle is over, I am left second guessing myself. Second guessing my emotions. I am left feeling like an idiot around people I care about that are caught in the cross fire.  No matter how hard I try, it happens the same each time. 

I am trying something different this time. I’m asking for what I need from those around me involved (even indirectly) with a Lizard sighting.  I am trying to articulate my feelings enough to help them understand how they can help.  And, they are helping.  Through words, through hugs, through ears - it helps.  Just simply being hugged, told it will be okay, and some understanding makes me feel better.   Asking for help has never been my strong suit. Mainly, I don’t ask for help not because I view it as a sign of weakness, but because I don’t want to inconvenience someone. I don’t want them to have to go out of their way to give me something I need when I’m not even sure it is worth the worry and the effort.  I have also found that I am never good at articulating it in person or in chat, but I can write it out.  So I am writing it out as much as I can. A factor that allows me to help those around me too.

I am also trying hard to do two things (other than asking for what I need): I am not pushing people away which is totally my modus operandi when things are bugging me - and I’m trying to accept my feelings instead of apologizing for them.  Both are amazingly hard for me.  Both show weakness in my mind - not strength. It’s funny how asking for help is not a weakness, but showing my feelings is one.  Pushing people away helps me breath. It helps me be proactive - hurting before someone else can hurt - as stupid as that is.  Sometimes the distance is necessary. I have found that by doing it, I am feeding the lizard.  I am helping it have more power and control over the situation than it deserves. 

Just like the act of not pushing people away, I have found not apologizing for my feelings is critical for keeping the lizard under control. If the brain accepts the feelings, then the Lizard has no ammo.  The Lizard is left to stand there as the two things it is good at getting into the conflict stand united against it.  While I am far from perfect, I keep reminding myself of this quote: “Never apologize for showing your feelings. When you do, you apologize for the truth” by Benjamin Disreali.  I try hard not to apologize anymore. It is hard though because I feel like such a dork when I am overtaken by my feelings.  I feel like an bumbling idiot who can’t stay on my feet.  I hate that feeling, thus the need to apologize to others.

I realized, however, that doing both keeps my Lizard at bay versus giving it control.  When the Lizard has control, stupid things happen - stupid things get said.  And all is compounded by the fact I cannot lie.  Try telling someone you are fine while not being able to make eye contact for fear they may see your lie? Yeah, that’s how I am.  Doesn’t work so well, I am learning.

So instead, I focus on why I’m feeling this way. What need isn’t being met? What is the Lizard trying to keep me from dealing with?  Because what I have also realized is that Lizard feelings arise when we feel something is lacking.  Is it more time with someone? Is it a missed date that you brushed off in your head, but it still bugged you in your heart?  Is it the need to hear something from someone - a validation of how things are going in the relationship? That you both are in the same place?  Is it a partner who has had one too many dates - and you really need some time away from the kids to recharge? 

All of these are example of the root-cause type needs-not-met that give the Lizard true power.  Trying to deal with what the Lizard is guarding by dealing with it out-loud (instead of in-head), disables the Lizard.  It has no voice - and it cannot hurt you (or others through your actions while under the influence of said-Lizard). 

Will the Lizard be permanently killed?  That would be like expecting treatment for depression to keep you from ever being sad again.  Jealousy is an emotion just like sadness is.  The key is to acknowledge and accept it as an emotion, and learn not to let it overtake your life when it does crop up. 

At the end of the day, it will come back again whether we want it to or not.  The question becomes how to deal with the Lizard so it doesn’t overtake you.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Motivational Monday

I swing when I feel hurt. I verbally want to get the person back. I don't recall the exact point in which I finally realized that doing that only hurt me. It hurt the person I was trying to be. I hurt people's image of who I was trying to be by creating such a stark contradiction that they would stay away from me. I drew drama to me - not because I am good at offering shelter, but I unwittingly fed into it.  I have been grateful to have people arrive in my life that taught me this lesson - that got me to see the light.  That if I want positive energy, I can't do what I had been doing.  I can't feed the negative.  I'm not perfect. I'm far from it. But I love the people around me enough to not hurt them - I shut my mouth, I walk away - I write, I run, I bike, I hit a punching bag - and I hold strong to the knowledge that if I hurt back, I only hurt me.  This - as you can tell - spoke to me. 

 WAY too many people do this.  They look at the degrees on they have and believe that gives them intelligence.  Sometimes it does.  But some of the smartest people I know, have no advanced degrees.  While the lack of paper keeps them from doing some things, they are actually no less intelligent than the same people I know who has the paper. 

While health is important, while having a good self image is important - never let that number be more important than you.  Never let your world revolve around the scale.  Because you are more important than that. 

Patterns in life are there for a reason. They are there to until you break them. And the only way you break them is by passing the test. By being strong enough to figure out why it keeps happening. Why you are going in circles.  Once you get the answer right, it will go away.  For me, I found my brain will give me the same exact dream over and over and over again. It gets so bad that I will actually realize in the middle of it that it IS the same dream.  Until I figure out my conscious problem that has me trapped, that dream will never change and end.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Photos - The Farmer's Market

subtitled: When Emmy thought she broke her camera.


We went to the farmer's market yesterday to get a few things.  I had snagged my camera because there are almost always great opportunities for photos.  I took a few shots - was happy with my settings selection as it was cloudy and under trees which makes getting the right colors somewhat tricky at times.  Not today which was good.

After I took the 5th shot, I shut off the camera as we bought a few things.  No big deal, really. Pretty standard practice with me.  We stumbled upon a performer that I was going to be a great subject for some shots.  On goes the camera, and I snap a few shots.  Then I noticed that I wasn't seeing photos on my screen after I took them.  Hmm....I check the lens cap is off - it's off. I double check my settings.  I make sure nothing is on a sensor or something.  Now I'm starting to panic.  What the fuck is wrong?!?

I reset my custom shooting settings - back to factory. I double check I didn't bump something that I shouldn't have (knowing that is difficult given how the camera works, but I'm grasping at straws now).  Nothing.

I am pointing the camera to the sky - which given my settings should have yielded an overly bright photo - it looked like it was dusk instead.  "Fuck, I did break it!" was my comment to G.  I start noticing my f-stop is no longer adjustable. I notice I'm not getting as much light as I should into my camera settings.  Nothing is working, so I shut off the camera and hope it can be fixed.

Twenty minutes later, I decide to try something. I take off my lens and put it back on.  And the camera started working again. I don't know if I bumped it - if something got in the lens which was cleared after I did that.  Who knows. It is something I will have to keep an eye on.  The feeling of panic that I had was not one I want to repeat.

All I can say is that thank goodness I have the skill of troubleshooting.  If I hadn't, I would still think I had broken it instead of trying to diagnose the source.  And that would have really ruined my weekend.


Saturday, July 16, 2011

Photos: My Favorite Park

I LOVE this park in Portland - Tanner Springs Park.  Long time readers will recognize the most notable feature - that fence.  I cannot shoot it enough.





And one I took of my lavender.  Love the bees.

Friday, July 15, 2011

The Roller Coaster


I loved this movie when I saw it.  And recently, I've been thinking about this scene.  What followsthis story is the realization that life is a roller coaster. Sure you can make it like a merry-go-round - predictable, not scary - but what's the point? What is gained except avoiding feelings you would rather not have.

My life lately has been a roller coaster.  Screams of delight followed by terror and fear of what's to come.  All the while trusting in the faith that it WILL change. It WILL go back to delight and joy and excitement. The hope that things will turn out well - and the faith that I can handle this just like I handled something similar in the past. 

A roller coaster. A perfect metaphor for life right now. 

Time to just hold on and find enjoyment in the ride - while I scream.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Update

I switched my blog private a week ago after I received a letter from child services informing me that someone reported a concern about my family to their agency.  The letter was addressed to me, and I was freaked out.  While the letter quickly explains that they have decided not to investigate said concern, it started me down the road of "what prompted this concern to be raised".  Since it was only in my name, I immediately started looking at things I do personally that would have raised this flag for someone. The biggest thing I do is blog and post about my life including my sex life - and including photos.  I was, as you can expect, freaked out that it could be the case.

Over the past week, I have learned a few things. The first is that the letter came to me because it is assumed that of the adults living in the house that I am most likely the biological parent and thereby guardian of the kids.  Says a lot about our society when it is policy to file any concerns under the mom since she's most likely to have custody.  This means that the concern may not have been raised about me. It just means I am responsible for it - I get it on my record.

Which leads me into the second lesson: I have to get the concern off my record.  Even thought child services has decided not to investigate, it is still seen as a negative.  If, God forbid, my brother and his wife were killed in a car crash, it could be seen a a barrier to me getting custody of my niece.  Or if a second false concern is made against me, it could be seen a pattern that IS worth investigating - both of them.

I will never learn with certainty who made this claim. Confidentiality policy dictates they suppress that. But I have learned they have to tell me the details of the concern reported.  So, I have written a letter asking for them as I will have to refute the concern reported and demand it be removed from my record.

I think I know who filed this concern with them. After panicking and taking action to move the blog to private, there was one person that popped into my head that may have done this - a parent of one of the girls in the troop I lead.

Because I have friends who work for child services, I know that they have 72hrs to make a ruling on any concern reported.  During that same time frame that they would have been reviewing it, I received a call from a person at the local head office of the girl scouts wanting to talk to me.  I talked to her the day after receiving the letter.  During which time, she said that this parent had raised concerns about the troop's financials.  In other words, she was accusing me of running away with the money.  This parent had never asked me about the money for the troop.  So her leap was made after reading one too m any stories about embezzlement in kid oriented non-profits.  Given my experience, I can also see her taking it a step further and accusing me of being a bad parent too.  I talked to the woman, produced documents (and sent them to her) demonstrating that all the money is safe, and gave her an earful about why this parent has driven me away from leading the troop in the future.  She apologized for my experience, was unhappy that I had such a parent, and said she would handle it.  The conversation made my suspicions even more valid.

I will hopefully find out soon if that is the accusation.  As I'm finding out, there is no process for me to follow to get this information. It is their policy to provide it if asked, but they do not make it easy to ask. I am attempting to following it backwards from the person I was referred to - knowing it is not in her range to provide the info - and requesting she provide me with a contact.  A friend of mine who works there has an escalation point she will send me to if I run into problems.

I can honestly say that I never thought I would have to deal with this agency from this side.  I have never in my wildest dreams thought something would prompt someone to report a concern about my family.  My kids are good students. They are fed. They are clothed. They are clean (most of the time).  One thrives at anything athletic. The other is a black belt in taekwondo. Both are scouts. I have worked my ass off to be a good parent as has G. We aren't perfect. But we aren't report-able to child services.

Don't get me wrong, I like that the system works - that all concerns raised are reviewed and people are notified. I just don't like the fact that this has happened to me. Because, well, this is all about me, at least in this case.  I don't like how this created questions in my head about my parenting. 

After a lot of discussion with G and others, I have decided to turn this back on.  I need the outlet. I have seriously missed it.  Neither of us feel this is a real risk in this case.  Plus, who knows when and I will find out what was said.  My choice was either to lock up shop and walk away, lock up this one and start over, or keep going in the mean time.  G has been the driving force behind the "keep going" option.  He is pretty certain of where this concern came from, so I'm going to believe him and keep going.

Thank you to those of you who pinged me privately and asked about things. I truly appreciate the community we have here in blogland - readers and bloggers alike are supportive. We may not know each others real names in some cases, but it just shows that it is not a barrier to carrying and concern.   For those of you who have been wondering, thanks for hanging in there as I sorted this out. 

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

HNT - Sleep


"The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night's sleep." 
-E. Joseph Cossman

I've been feeling a bit down lately. Sometimes something in life reminds you acutely how much of a roller coaster life is.  The ups, the downs, the twists, the turns. It can be excited, you can squeal from the pleasure of the experience, or scream from the horror. In the end, it will change. So the feelings I have now can be helped with some sleep. As my dad used to say, there is one sure thing in life - that the sun will rise tomorrow - and the day after that - and the day after that. That will never change.

Depressing words for an HNT, I know. But , it's where my head is right now. 

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