HNT - Surrender

The act of surrender with ropes and to a person is very freeing for me.  Giving myself over to another person is like handing someone the reins for a while.  Putting my fate, if you will, in their hands.  Being bound in a way that means I am not in control of what will happen - they are.  The release of stress. The release of worry. The release of thought.  All bring forth a level of calm that cannot be described unless experienced.  And when I'm released from the ropes, it is as though I have been released of my real-life stresses.  


Check out Os to see who else is playing this week.
Or OHNT for other players.  

Modus Operandi

I am overly sensitive.

What I want versus what I can have sends me into a tailspin of annoyance, frustration and anger.

I lash out.

I hit hardest those closest. Pushing them way in a way that makes me feel like that picture.

I lose sight of what is important as I get fixated on the thing I cannot control.

And it pisses me off.

And I'm an oversized lizard destroying things like - well, a toddler tossing and kicking its toys.

It's funny because when it is an emergency that I'm stressed about, the thing I'm fixing gives me a focal point to direct my energy.  I can throw it all there, control it, and get it done.  And when I do push people around in that vein, it is for a cause.  People understand that and get out of the way or help.

But when it's outside of it.
I just get sensitive.
I take everything wrong.
I am quick to respond in a non-productive way.
I stop asking questions and start making assumptions.
I am simply not a good person.

I've been doing that lately.
And it's wrong.
And there are no excuses.
And I come out the other side of these feelings seeing the destruction left behind.
And I worry that there aren't enough "I'm sorrys" to repair what has been done.

I'm not easy.
I wish, under stress, my modus operandi was different.
I wish I could, while in the storm, stop the downward slide.

Because I really don't like crushing feelers. It is never my intent.
And for that, I am truly sorry.

Mess

Hi. I'm a mess.

I have no insight.

I have no answers.

I have only one thing - fear of the uncertainty.

Fear that I will not get the job.

Fear that the last of the savings will go away...

And I will be flying without a safety net.

Fear that I will fail

At 38 years old.

For the first time.

There is a first time for everything.

I don't deal well with fear.

I don't deal well with things I cannot control.

I don't deal well with .... well, failure.

And what I don't really deal well with?

Support.

People around me who understand,

Who want to help

Who know I'm not doing well

And get pushy

And offer me support that I don't usually need or expect,

But usually provide.

Layer in some PMS, and I'm just a big fucking mess.

Each time I find center

Find a way to cope,

I lose it.

Because of this damn fear.

I'm used to being the shoulder,

Not needing a shoulder.

Right now, I need a shoulder.

I need a hug.

I need someone to tell me it will be okay.

I need someone to tell me that tomorrow, the sun will still rise,

It will still shine.

And life will keep going regardless of what happens.

I need pushy.

I need a spanking.

I need a cuddle.

I need something to make me unwind.

I am trying to breathe.

Trying to hold onto the optimism of others.

But the fear - the worry -

It's killing me.

I need to not be a cynic.

But it's the last of my armor that remains.

I want to believe, but to do so is to make myself more vulnerable than ever.

Not sure I'm ready for that yet.

But ready or not, here I come.

Blah.

Motivational Monday

Above all else, be kind and make it part of your religion. It's amazing how it can change your life - even if you that is all you believe.

This is the dangerous about thoughts - they can define you if you let them.  Don't let your thoughts define you. Don't let them get out of your head and into your actions.  Be conscious of what you act upon as you are better than some of your thoughts.  Believe it.  Because there are people who believe it in you.

What is it they say? It's about the journey, not always about the destination.  Sometimes what may feel like the way you didn't intend to go was not the right choice - but realizing what you have or where you ended up - and having it feel good - is the right place regardless of how you got there.

I love this quotation.  Because it is so true, sometimes what may, on the surface seem small, makes the heart feel big.  Don't ignore the small things just because they seem small because how they make you feel - how they make your heard feel - is the most important.

Just Call Me Brook

....because I'm just going to babble....

bad pun, I know.

They have been calling all of my references.  Each one is pinging me after they have been contacted. The nicest one was from an old CIO I worked for who said, "They obvious love you, so I didn't think you'd mind if I added my love of your work to it."

Damn.

And he was my iffy reference given we collided constantly. In the end, I think he realized I was the ying to his yang.  Wow, that sounded dirty, but I think you know what I mean.  I complimented his leadership style and brought a perspective he often missed when he looked at things.  He was an over-analyzer, and I was the one who pointed out he had already made his decision and was just fretting because it wasn't clear how he got there.  So I'd draw him a matrix.

Given the number of times we butted heads on approach, I guess he decided he missed it.

Who knew.  Until now. Awesome.

I offended Indigo's teacher last night.  I was taking her home to do homework when we ran into her. "Aren't you staying for back-to-school night?" was her question.  "Nope" was mine.  "But the math curriculum changed" she protested.  "I know - you actually teach math now. Already heard" was my response.  I'm sorry, but this is Indigo's second year with this teacher.  Outside of curriculum, her style didn't change.  Sorry, but I have better things to do than spend 3-3.5hrs at the school.

And DJ's teacher - well, he's a pain in the ass. No way I am spending any time with that guy.

(for those of you who are new and haven't picked up on it from other blog posts - G is her teacher this year)

Indigo and I are going to spend the weekend at the track with our friends.  I'll be taking more moto pictures.  Given the last minute decision, I wasn't able to rent a lens for the weekend.  I could have rented a lens that would have required me to carry a second bag just for the lens itself, but given I'll be hiking around, I didn't think that was a great idea.  Plus, if I damaged it, I just bought a lens.  No thanks.

While I'm sitting there in the parking lot of the pro camera shop getting ready to look up the number for the other place in the area that was likely also going to be lacking a lens to rent (they have fewer they rent out), I looked up the used lens list at the shop I was at.  And found something that would work for the weekend.  Perfect for outdoor sports shots. And perfect price too.  So I went inside - talked to the experts they have that work there - and bought it.

Then I came back home - and played with it.  Should work.

Later, I cleaned the light sensor in hopes of eliminate the spots on my shot that have been driving me nutty.  I think I got it.  We'll find out when I get outside.

I'm giddy with excitement. A weekend with my two favorite people doing what they love as I do what I love.  Awesome.

G and DJ are staying here because they leave for Outdoor School on Sunday morning.  Doesn't make sense to do the trip, sadly.

So, we come back to an empty house for several days.  Should be fun.

My last comment is about Project Runway. Where did they get these little bitchy kids from?? Geesh. Between Laura and Joshua, I just want to see them disqualified for being whiny immature kids.  Every fucking episode - oh wait, I swore - that means, per Joshua, that I am under educated and low class.  Joshua - fuck off.  And, as G likes to point out, he will likely be top 3.  I can only hope that karma bites him in his ass and gets him booted.  Which means - he will win.

And as you go into the weekend, remember:

HNT - Bound

click the pic, please. 

I am not bound for any public place, but for ground of my own where I have planted vines and orchard trees, and in the heat of the day climbed up into the healing shadow of the woods. 

~Wendell Berry

Visit Os to see who else was bound to play this week.

Or OHNT.

A Great Day

Yesterday was, in short, a great day.

I had a three hour interview that went awesome.  "I can totally see you working here" was the feedback from one of the IT directors who interviewed me followed by "I don't know if she really should interview others."

A call from the recruiter resulted in me hearing that they were having her go forward with checking my references.   Even without interviewing anyone else.

Fingers are crossed.

Then I had a good date with Domenico.  Sure, my neighbor next door may wonder about the spanking and other sounds coming from the room.  That will teach her for lingering around the chickens near the property line.

And rope marks are nice.

As are bruises.

And blow jobs.

Happy sigh.

Two Simple Words

After saying them what felt like one too many times yesterday, I finally said this: "I say 'thank you' a lot because I don't feel it truly conveys what it means to me what you have done for me."

I think that's the problem with "thank you".  We teach our kids it is only polite to use those words for everything.  Don't get me wrong - we should do that.  Manners is something that we seem to be losing.  But those two little words - thank you - seem so insignificant when someone does something you truly are grateful for.  Saying "thank you" for something bigger than the person handing you a fork seems like the meaning is lost - the gratitude is lost - the heartfelt thanks is lost.

So how do I compensate for it? I say it too much.  I spend time saying "no, seriously - thank you".  Because most of us were taught to reply to a 'thank you' with a 'you're welcome' or less formally a 'no problem' or 'no worries'.  But when it is something more than a loan of a pencil,  you do worry that they don't understand how much it meant to you.

This weekend, the drama with my brother came to a head.

He brought it to Facebook making sure that his status was tagged with my name on it so that I would be forced to see it.  SIL and others commented on it - or gave it a big "LIKE IT".

I was pissed that he saw no reason why I should be mad or upset with him.  So I called him.

Mr Family First didn't answer his phone because.....drum roll.....he was watching a football game on TV.  A fact that set me off even more than I would have normally been.  It escalated fast. I told him at one point that if he doesn't want to understand my life or where I'm coming from, he should just go away - lose my number, unfriend me - whatever it takes, I don't need this shit.  He flipped out and started on me saying I wasn't part of the family - thought I was better than them, and proceeded to speak on behalf of my other brother, SILs and parents.  When he hit the parents, I hung up.

He said enough to hit a few of my triggers - a few of my own fears.  I was not in a good place.

I had a good friend pull me out of my head for a while and drag me out and away from it.  Pings from my parents kept dragging me back into it especially on the way back.  G took care of me.  I talked to my mom who wanted to make sure I knew that little bro called them immediately after I hung up to share his side of the story because he was sure I was calling them too.  Guess we are 5 yr olds running to tell on the other.   My mom read him the riot act.  He called back later just to have my dad do it again.

While it was good to know I had support for what was happening, I hated and still hate that they were dragged into this by him.  HATE it.  I fight my own battles even if it is with a brother.  I don't need allies because in this situation, I'm right.

When I woke up yesterday after little sleep, I was mentally in a bad place.  I was up but that was it.  A friend basically started bossing me around.  Damn Spanish Inquisition.  While I was in the space of just letting it be, he pestered me to get out and do something. Then when my little bro actually sent something to me in a weird sort of apology, he pestered me to reply.

Later, talking to another friend, I got more support in it all.  By the time my afternoon was done, I was actually in a good mood.  I was joking and goofy and more me than I had felt most of the weekend.

So saying "thank you" to people for that seems hollow.  It doesn't convey the gratitude for what they gave me.  There is a very cynical saying that goes "have no expectations; have no disappointments".  I have learned when it comes to stuff like this that I don't expect people to help me. I just soak it in - deal with it alone - and put on a happy face so that those around me aren't effected too much.  To have people step up and not let me just soak it in - well, that's unexpected and out of the norm for me.

The simple "thanks for lending me hand to help pull me out of this mentally bad place" seems not enough of a thank you.  It is in this moment that I feel words fail me, and I have to simply trust that the receiver of my eight million "thank you's" understands that I'm not being annoying - just trying to convey my feelings using two little words that are used for everything.

Photos: Weeds and Flora

While on my bike ride today, I spotted some interesting weeds. I had to go back later.  Took some photos of the weeds and more.  Here is a montage of my day.

Motivational Monday

I think people worry sometimes about how the receiver will react - hearing that someone loves them - so they hold it back even thought it is what is in their heart.  Give it and give it freely. There is no need to worry about returning it - or getting it in return. If it is what you feel, it's what you feel.  No need to keep it.  Plus, life is short. You never know when someone may not be here and your opportunity has been missed. Don't live with that regret.

Prioritize based on what matters most.  Don't let the little things that won't matter overshadow those things that matter.  Those little things are the things in life that will always change.  Job, stuff, etc.  Keep those things - those people - that matter on top of those other things.

For some, deciding to be happy is a hard thing.  But it goes back to letting go of the stuff that doesn't matter. Realizing you control certain aspects of your own happiness.  Hell, let's face it, you are responsible for all of it.  No one else is.  So decide to be happy. Decide what doesn't matter and leave it in that pile.  Don't let it into your mind. Be happy. Get rid of what doesn't make you happy.  It's for your own good.

I have always liked this quote.  Keep up the good fight to be who you are. Don't let people bring you down - or make you into someone else.  Like e.e. cummings says, "never stop fighting".

e[lust] #29

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #30? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~
Evidence To The Contrary - If anyone out there ever tries to tell you that internet relationships and friendships are not real, point them in my direction and I will happily set them straight on the matter because I have proof, in fact I am proof, that they know not what they speak of.
Open Marriages Don't Work....- The only way I would agree with that statement is if you add: .....if you're marriage already has problems. But even that part is not universally true.
Love in the Age of Broadband - What happened to our ability to keep it casual? Why would we attach ourselves to someone who is (often) hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away? And, more to the point, why would we attach ourselves to someone we have never met?


~ e[lust] Editress ~
Ask Lilly – Open and Polyamorous: Why be married at all?

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~
My apologies, everyone, since submissions closed I've been 100% consumed with personal family tragedy (the flooding in Central PA) so I didn't have time to read most of the entries this time or find a photo. The html code might contain a lot of blank lines for some of you, I didn't have time to "clean" it up, either, just throw up what I have.
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!


Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships
Ask Aunty Dee: Dental Dams
born this way...
Clit Truth
Condoms and Size
Lies & Infidelities
Misguided Dominance
Poly Language
Return to Decadence
Step Inside My Head
Who was the first person you told..
When Bad Things Happen To Good People – Warning Bells

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor
To Be Out Or Not To Be Out
Want Sado-Erotic Horror Movies? Yes please! Films by Matthew Saliba
What I've Learned From E[Lust]

Kink & Fetish
A Much Needed Distraction
Another drink?
Caged
Facing Fear
Negotiation Win

Erotic Writing
As Long As It Lasts
Asking For It
Anticipation
Blow Job
Campfire
Debra's Gift
Feral
Fantasy
June’s Caning
Please, Please, Please, Sir
Showers and Strawberries
slick
The Visitor
The Play Fight

Good Things in My Week

I don't feel like I need to do this as much as I was needing it a few week ago, but now, it is about reflecting on how things are good.  And giving me a forum to ramble a bit.  Like this blog doesn't provide it already.

Any-who....

• Godzilla movies outside under the arbor on our outdoor screen - being watched by 4 snarky adults and 2 snarky tweens.    Awesome and great fun.  
• Getting the interview scheduled for Tuesday and seeing there is definite excitement by those interviewing me.  I'm excited too.  Just hope I can keep their excitement up.
• Synching up plans for the weekend and realizing we are on the same page as far as what we wanted. 
• Cuddles on the couch
• Hanging out with a friend
• A rainy day (which makes my allergies happy)
• Watching the bruises from last week take their time in fading
• Making a new friend on Fetlife simply because I made a comment
• Cooking and discovering that the replacement of brown sugar is white sugar and molasses.  Made the cookies awesome. 
• A fun playtime with G and the newly whipped rope even if it did result in a rope burn
• Being cold, but soaking in a hot bath
• A nice chat with a friend who I haven't had a chance to talk with for a few weeks
• Laughing at my dad's Facebook status updates which he has been using to poke fun at stupid status updates.  Yesterday, he asked if people remembered where they were at on Sept 14th at 5:46pm?  Yeah, he doesn't either. Then he let everyone know he ate a slice of pizza while drinking water out of a pink cup.  
• Listening to the girls do dishes while singing loudly to their favorite Pandora station.
• Helping a friend deal with a software issue and realizing he enjoys beach guitar style music like I do. And introduced me to some awesome ones too with funny names like Bambi Molesters. 
• Hearing that a friend of mine who just got done serving a year in Iraq got home safely to be with his family.  His status update on Facebook were the greatest as he speculated how it was going to be hands-on dad for the first time in 53 weeks.
• Living room smelling like hemp rope.
• Coffee being delivered to me in bed as they are leaving the house.
• Learning a post was voted top 3 post on elust.  
• Being told it was time for me to say uncle in terms of what I can take on - and, for once, listening.

What good stuff has been happening for you this week?

HNT - Double Rainbow

Since the rainbow pic went over well last week, I thought I would share a couple more.  Similar, but a bit different.  Really, it's me not finding inspiration.

click the pic.

Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions. 

~ Albert Einstein

Go visit Os to see who else is half-nekkid this week.

Or OHNT. 

Happy Snark

Funny how almost two weeks ago, I had my little epiphany -and attitude change. I started looking at life differently - looking at my relationship with people differently.  And you know what?

I'm happy.

Insanely happy.

With the exception of a small bump that really led to nothing but a great evening, life is good.

Wow, have I missed this feeling. This feeling where I sit here and go "Damn, life IS great right now".

And I'm saying all of this without a job.  With a dwindling bank account. With some lingering family drama.

Because, at the end of the day, that shit doesn't matter.

I have people in my life - great people - who regardless of the situation I'm feel good they are around.  Damn that sounds way too happy.

But I do have snark too.....

My SIL's sister <insert banjos here> posted a link on Facebook with the comment of "Maybe people need to start paying attention to the ratings of kids shows. Showing a 4yr old a show intended for 7 and up is inappropriate. I think my daughter has brain damage from Sponge Bob."

The link is to a "study" done by researchers who after showing 60 random children Sponge Bob found they had short term learning problems.  Even at the end of this short article, there is another expert who commented that 60 kids does not make a study even if their data is good.

First off, my SIL's sister is slamming herself because SHE has let her daughter watch this show.  I doubt she saw that in her comment.  Secondly, let's promote a "study" that contains not enough data that even an expert on the outside finds it really significant.

I'm not a fan of Sponge Bob especially for kids under a certain age, but how many people after watching a movie they find highly entertaining can immediately take an aptitude test and not feel slow and fuzzy as they mentally switch gears? Blaming a particular show for your kid's inability to learn is lazy.  Blame the parent for not finding those teachable moments before the age of 5 to teach the kids, but instead toss them in front of the TV.

Or, I'm going to jump on something Dana mentioned on her Tumblr the other day.  She challenged someone's comment that "if anyone makes a joke about Sept 11, they will be immediately unfollowed."  She felt it was odd to give out an ultimatum in a social network setting, an ultimatum many people would never feel comfortable giving in real life.  She was not questioning the day or the jokes, but the tactic used.

Sept 11th, I felt, was a time to reflect. It was a horrible day for all of us - just to varying degrees - and we all will know what that morning was like when we learned what was happening.  We were all forever affected one way or another.  Like I said, in various degrees.

But like Dana, I found myself being held hostage by people I knew IRL and on social networks. Statements like "if you question this day and how we responded, get out of the country" or "if you question things since then, then the terrorists win".  The logic isn't there. Plus, this country was found on dissent. It was founded by people who disagreed with their government and left because their government gave them no voice.  The idea that this country must be of people who only fall in line behind everyone else is idiotic and goes against what this country was founded upon.  As my dad used to say "I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend your right to say it".

Let me make one thing clear - I'm not a fan of the Sept 11th jokes.  I think there is a level of tact people need to have especially given how many people's families were directly effected by this day.  But, I also know that this is not true either:

Speaking of jokes that turn you away from people or shows and such, if I hear another inappropriate Herpes joke on a TV show, I will go on a longer rant.  Again I have encountered another show where Herpes was the infection you can get by sharing a toilet, sharing a bed, being in the same hot tub.  All of this is absolutely untrue. Just like the implied that someone with HSV is dirty, promiscuous, and unsafe.  Given how uneducated people are about STIs, I hate it when popular shows spread this misinformation.  And yes, I'm a bit biased about this one, for good reason.  To quote Dan Savage from his recent podcast "It's not the mother fucking plague!"

Photos - A Hot Weekend

Notice the sky. This is what it looks like when the smoke from the forest fires settles in the valley.

Sitting under the St John's Bridge, while the girls played in the water, and we sat in the sand reading, napping, and relaxing.

And watched the tug boat go back downriver just to bring upriver more ships and barges.

As we laid in the shadow of one of our favorite bridges and enjoyed the breeze off the water...in the 95 degree day.

The start of the weekend was spent walking with a friend through the forest. Cool, shady, but even there it was hot by the time we left.

Motivational Monday

I like this as I see it happen all of the time.  Live life.  Make money to support the things you love - and no more.  Don't put your own well being behind the stuff that is fleeting.  Live.

Which person are you? Do you get shocked by honesty? Or by deceit?  When I read this, I realized that not being shocked by deceit means we are more accepting of it.  Don't accept it - get pissed by it.  Reject it.  Embrace honesty.

(says the cynic. yes, I know the irony in me saying it, but I do believe it.)

I stole this from Aurore's tumblr.  Stop comparing yourself to others. Know yourself.  As someone I respect used to remind me, know what you know - know what you don't know - and know the difference.  Most powerful thing ever.

Challenge yourself if you find you are doing the same thing.  Why? Because goodness is beauty but beauty is not necessarily goodness.  People often confuse the way that works.  Don't be one of them.

Reflect

I won't write about the day today. I was stuck in a city on business, woke up to the live feed of the second plane hitting the second tower, and spent 4 frantic hours trying to figure out how we were going to get home before we thanked our deity of choice that we had a rental car and were and 18hr drive from home.

I won't go into the pain the people in that office felt as they watched the news - praying and hoping that their cohort - almost like a family member to them - got news that his niece had made it out of Tower One.  I won't described how, in that moment, no one cared that they were losing their jobs - but only that there would be some good news among the bad.

I won't tell you how I was up for 28 hours straight as my employee and I drove home - thru the night - to be with our families.  I won't describe how it was to be a few blocks from a Marine base or getting the call from my family member who told me stay away from Coronado as it was pretty much off limits to non-Navy, thus solidifying my decision to just drive home.

I won't recount the images along the way.  I won't describe the Vietnam Vet in LA who stood on an overpass waving a giant US flag.  I won't describe the eerie image of a major airport shut down - closed with military keeping people away from even entering the driveway to it.   I won't retell the conversation in gas stations at 3am - where travelers like us traded information as we all tried to hurry home.

This is a day where life changed as planes flew into towers, passengers brought down a plane in Pennsylvania, and the Pentagon was compromised. We entered a time when rights were compromised in the name of safety, countries were invaded in the name of stopping the evil in the world, and soldiers were sent to foreign lands.

Much changed for us that day.
We should remember.
Remember those who lost their lives.
Reflect on what has happened.
Reflect on what we lost that day.
And never forget how it has changed us.

Ten years later, I think its time we take back what we lost.

Worship

He grabbed me by my hair and pulled my head back.  His teeth sunk into my neck - where shoulder and neck meet.  I couldn't suppress the moan of pleasure that escaped my lips.

His lips left my neck, and he pushed me to my knees.  He didn't need to tell me what he wanted. I instinctually grabbed his cock and shoved it into my mouth.  "Good grrl" were the words that told me I had done what he had wanted.

I was happy I got it right - to be his good grrl - making him moan the way he does when my tongue swirls around the head of his cock before I take it deeper into my mouth.  His hand remained in my hair - controlling the pace, but letting me, at the same time, do what I needed to do.

I let my saliva coat his cock - making it slippery as I slid his cock in and out of my mouth - sucking hard at the end - giving the additional pressure he enjoys.  My free hand cupped his balls and grasped the base of his cock as my mouth and tongue continued to work over his cock.

Eventually he pulled me by my hair to my feet, pushed me onto the bed, pinned me to it and fucked me  - then roughed me up.  His hand striking my ass - squeezing my nipples - pushing me to my limit. Then using his crop on me - striking my ass - my thighs - my back - my tits - my nipples.  Sending me into that endorphin high that allows me to take more that he has to offer. To be his "good grrl".

But it was his cock I wanted - his cock in my mouth. Not in my hand. Not in my cunt.  I wanted his cock in my mouth again.  I wanted to hear his moans. I wanted to hear that sharp intake of air when I hit that spot on the head of his cock that he loves.

That aside, I wanted to taste him.  I could suck his cock all day if allowed.  And when we hit a point where we were winding down, I stroked his cock so it was semi-erect - then I slid down his body and took his cock into my mouth again.  Where I could focus on it. Where I could get him to make the sounds that turn me on more than he probably realizes.  Where I could take my time - savoring each stroke with my mouth.

And that was what I did.  I crawled down his body - took his cock into my mouth - and took my time. I enjoyed each stroke - each moan that left his lips - the taste - the feel - all of it.

It was the way I wanted our play to end.  My ass was hot and red from his abuse.  My nipples were erect and rubbing against him as I focused on his cock.  That simple act of fellatio - turned me on just like the rest.

It was where I could spend hours if allowed.
Showing him how much I enjoyed our time together.
Showing my thanks for the abuse I needed - and he delivered.
Showing how much I appreciate him and the chemistry we have.

All through worshipping his cock.

HNT - Rainbow

Walk on a rainbow trail; walk on a trail of song, and all about you will be beauty. There is a way out of every dark mist, over a rainbow trail. 

~Robert Motherwell

Check out who else is playing this week by visiting Osbasso.
Or OHNT for other people playing.

Not feeling one post, so you get my ramblings......I know, you love that, don't you? :-)

First off, it's been fun seeing how many people are still reading and commenting on the post I did about open marriage.  I'm glad people are getting it.  Open marriage is not for everyone, but I also hate it when people blame it for things too.

Speaking of blogging, another blogger has bit the dust - Chapter Two is closing up shop.  Makes me sad too - I enjoy her perspective and all.  But it sounds like the right thing for her.  I guess I need to go through my blog roll.  So many people have made the decision to stop blogging lately that I'm feeling like my list is getting shorter.  Makes me sad seeing some people go away.

Since writing this post, I have been having some great days.  I'm so glad I cleared the fog out of my head because life is great. Always has been, but amazing how bright it looks when you stop being so fucking negative.  Awesome.

The trip to see my parents was great.  Turns out my dad let it slip that we were coming into town.  My brother tried to invite himself and his family along and my dad's response was "nope, you can stay there."  Threw my brother off.  As my dad said as we were getting ready to leave, "don't ever let those dumb asses make you think you are not welcome here.  They have no say about it, and I care about us more than I care about them."  Greatest thing to here ever.  My dad was quite upset about the whole thing.  He loves us - he loves our family - to think that they may have chased me away was not something that he liked.  It was a good trip.

Plus, you should have heard me a few times as we were out. Walking through the trees to the lake, then finding gorgeous light on a beautiful mountain lake.  I was in heaven.  And we have found a few places we want to camp next year.  Good stuff.

Two funny things happened while we were out -

The first was it was windy and I was wearing a sundress as it kept fabric from rubbing my healing tattoo.  I slipped on some panties under the dress before we went out. The thought of having my skirt lifted by the wind around my parents (sans panties) was a bit of a fear.  As the wind almost grabbed it as we were out, I commented to G that I was thankful I put on the panties.  "Yeah, because that tiny thong you put on is really covering you up" was his comment.

True.

Later, we were at the campground near the last lake we went to.  G was standing next to the car waiting for the girls to be done in the bathroom.  The people behind him were ogling him in his kilt. My mom handed me a box of kleenex to put back in its spot behind her seat.  We were all chuckling at the ogling going on by the women.  So I tossed it outside the card next to G and asked him to hand it back to me.  I knew he would have to bend over to get it.  My mom, dad and I were all laughing our asses off.  So, G turned facing them, picked up the kleenex box as he mooned us.    The women were sad - and we laughed our asses off.

I should explain that this was after my parents said they were going to wander off only to have G comment he was happy they loved each other still but didn't need to hear about their kinky wilderness expeditions.  They giggled as they rushed off.   We'll add that to the list of things I did not need to know.

My tattoo is definitely healing.  I am not itching it mainly because I can't reach where it itches.  Feels fine though. My parents both said "we don't like tattoos" then quickly said "but yours is so neat."  Funny how that works.  And they are not alone in their comments.

Today, DJ starts middle school.  And something we never thought would happen will happen - G will be one of her teachers.  G claims she is the one who will have problems.  I assert it will be him.  We shall see.  She is pumped to start middle school.  I am for her.  She is going to be in a class of great kids.  All of the drama girls have switched schools.  The remaining girls are all excited to be together - good friends - no drama - their own person versus followers of the norm.  This is why a small middle school program can be good. Middle school for me was hell. I hope she does not have the same experience.

I got some good feedback from the recruiters about my interview. Woman who interviewed me wants me hired ASAP.  Will only be able to get the rest of the interviews done in two weeks due to vacation schedules. Not ideal, but works.  A few weeks off sans family at home will be nice.  Good stuff.

I have plenty to keep me busy too.  Art stuff for the local swinger club, time with a few friends, gonna try to start running again, and pull the house together.  I have a list of stuff to do, so I won't be bored.

Photos: Weekend Trip - Central Oregon

Not fog....smoke.  This was on our way up through the pass.  We felt bad for the cyclists who were having to breath it in as they rode.

Mt Hood looked great - above the smoke line.

We drove up to Timberline Lodge - the lodge used for the outside shots in the movie The Shining. It is up on Mt Hood - above the timber line.  I wanted a photo of the smoke as it drifted through the valley.  This is one of the other mountains in the Cascade Range.

Weirdest Native American Festival ever. They had two teepees setup. And no Native Americans. Just a bunch of white guys with Native American looking art.  Kind of odd.

The creek that ran beside the park where the Native American Festival was held.  The girls and I stood in in while waiting for the others to wander.  Felt great.

The Shadow Lake Forest Fire near Mt Washington.  It was quite amazing to see the fire planes flying in and out of the smoke.  I could not capture it, but there is another mountain that would peak out through the smoke too.

A view of the jagged lava field we were standing next to.  This is who it has looked for a thousand years or more.  It's quite an amazing, stark site.

The Dee Wright Observatory which was made out of the lava rock from the filed above.  Each window lines up with a mountain.  Below the window, it tells you the mountain you are viewing. It was a neat place.  I guess my niece refers to it as the castle.

I believe this is Lava Camp Lake - a tiny lake near the observatory.  Walking through the trees and onto the narrow shores, the view was just gorgeous.  Crystal clear mountain water.

This lake is Three Creek Lake at about 6000 feet.  It is only open a few months of the year as the rest of the time it is snowed in.  There was still snow around the ridge.  It was heaven - but after leaving 93 degrees and finding it 66 degrees up there, it would feel like heaven even if it looked bad.   We had a lot of fun hanging out there.

My dad and the girls had fun catching tadpoles of various ages including some that were almost frogs.  The water was crystal clear - but few people around and the no-motorized boats rule will help with that.

We decided we are definitely going back there again to camp.  Such a gorgeous lake - and surrounding area.

You can see Mt Hood through the haze.  But more importantly, about a week ago, this area had a forest fire go through it.  Look at the charred earth on the left of the road.  Thankfully it never jumped the road - and they were able to contain this portion of it.   As we drove home, we saw three fire planes headed into the smoke.  And a chinook helicopter took off and headed that way to fight the fire too.  There is another week of hot, dry weather coming up - hope the fire continues to be contained.

Oh, and how did the fire start?  Lightning.  Every one of them was started this way.  It is quite amazing that it all happened recently though - that until then, there were no fires in Oregon.  Couldn't make it a full season without at least one.