Motivational Monday

Do you do this?  Even without realizing you are? Well stop it! Love people, not things. And use things, not people.  Things are temporary - they will get worn out, lost or broken.  People if used can have the same results.  Love a person, and none of that happens.  Other things will happen - but not those things.

I worked for a guy who each year asked "what was your biggest fuck-up?"  He seriously wanted to know. Not because he wanted to make it affect your review but because he wanted to see you were pushing the boundaries - you were trying new things - you were willing to put yourself ourself out there.  If you didn't have one big fuck-up, he didn't feel you were learning or growing.  So, don't fear the mistakes - fear the lack of trying - fear it if there are no lessons learned.  

Think about this one yourself. I do it.  If I don't find something important, I will give people excuses. I will make excuses for me not to do it.  I will not find a way to make it happen.  But if I find it important, I will always find time in the day. I will make it happen. I won't make any excuses as it is important to me.  The IT can be people and things and events and all.  

Doubts ruin relationships. Playing the what-if game. Wondering if something more is there than is or is not.  Doubting what you have.  Doubting what you should do.  That ruins things.  Not distance or many other things.  Don't do this.  Just be. Let it go as it will.  Don't doubt what you have with someone.

Happy monday! May Karma have not missed those today who need it.

Saturday Signs

Sunday is Zombie Walk.  Given the zombie obsessed tweens that are in our lives, we knew we would be going.  So after Indigo's last soccer game, DJ and I left to go find her zombie costume.  First was lunch though. On our way to the fun pizza joint we were going to stop at, we spotted some great signs.

clearly someone was fed-up.

Yeah, don't walk with a gun across the street.  Behind this sign was a warning about defacing portland signs.  DJ giggled when she saw that.

Raccoons!!!   These are showing up all over our neighborhood.  They are cute.

I texted Domenico this photo and asked if they were telling or asking.  Yeah, it doesn't matter. 

2:30am

And I'm awake.....

......again......

sigh....

To be fair, I did go to sleep about 7:30pm tonight.  We went out to eat - something we have rarely done over the past several months - to celebrate my first paycheck in months.  That was, I will have to say, a great feeling. Depositing that check.  Funny how that works.

We ate - toasted the fact we made it through this stress. We made it through together.  We made it through ourselves.  We made it through with only minor damage - damage that, as a friend said, could be buffed out as it was nothing more than a scuff.

So, I ate - came home, curled up in bed, and passed out.  Until 1am.

I should have made myself stay up, but to be honest, I came home at 5:30pm - curled up on the couch under a blanket, and almost fell asleep then.  I was just done - physically and emotionally done.

I need a reboot.

Where is that button?

So, what's been going through my head?

Work.  I have a dozen things I have to do each day - administrative stuff.  I have my hands around it - but can't help but mentally go over what I have done just to make sure.  I'm watching everyone freak out - and I'm not.  So I worry a bit that I am missing something.

Then my head goes through the finances in the house.  What needs to get taken care of? What is the priority now that we have income?  Indigo's birthday is coming up.  Christmas is coming.  I'm not as prepared for either as I have been in the past.  Yes, I am odd - I usually have gifts stashed by now.  I guess I'm just acutely aware of how easily the income can be lost - so I'm also trying to sort out how to rebuild the safety net.  Yeah, lots of activity in the brain around that one.

Then I have some other things I've been noodling.  Things I'm sick of thinking about - sick of talking about.  Things I know I've now internalized.  But, I feel like I need to do it.  I feel like I've been in such a crazy headspace lately - a crazy space that has escaped my head too many times over the last few months - that I need to just keep things in my own head for a while.

And I hate that feeling.  I hate that my instinct is to pull back.  I hate that I am doing what I had proudly gotten away from doing over the past couple years.  Funny how old habits kick in.  Sigh.

Too much thinking.
Where is that off-switch?
And can my brain stop commiserating with my heart? I need it to remain logical so I can sleep.

I wish I could do this instead:

Or maybe I just need to do this....

HNT - Climb

He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying.

~Friedrich Nietzsche

Check out Osbasso to see who else is playing

Or OHNT for more fun.

Toys, Cats, Friends, Oh, My....

Ashly is doing her 3rd year of Toys for Tots.  I love that she does this fundraiser every year.  Go give her a few dollars to support her this year.  I know times are tough, but that's not the fault of the kids.  Make sure they get some toys during the holidays.  It's a good cause.

Friday, I dropped my work table on my foot.  I was trying to raise the legs when I lost my grip and dropped it on my foot.  I limped through my day and discovered it was quite swollen when I got home. I iced it and elevated it.  The next day, it felt bruised and the swelling had gone down - but not all the way. The bruise is huge and it definitely hurts yet.  But it's not broken - thank goodness.  I am an idiot.  Only I could try to break my foot while working in an office job.

I spent the weekend taking care of my friends' cats.  Their cats are their kids, so I had to visit them a couple of times each day - feed them, pet them, clean-up after them.  Two are older cats. The third is a skittish cat.  Food helped them be my friends.

Sunday was a day of rope for me.  G informed me that he wanted to put rope on my body before I got dressed.  This is not something he and I had done before, but it was fun.  I had some great rope marks.  Plus, I kept smelling the hemp rope.  Good stuff.

I talked to my dad this weekend.  I love that guy. He started telling me about how worried he has been about my mom.  She doesn't get sick often, but when she does, she gets something that freaks him out.  She has been sick over the past few weeks.  She stopped eating at one point because she was getting so sick.  She sounds like she is finally on the upswing.  Antibiotics are good - even if they are scary.  The stuff they put her on is scary stuff.

Roller derby is fun stuff! We went with friends on Saturday, and it was a hoot.  But then again, there were some other factors that definitely made it fun.  I love my friends.

Sunday was Indian food night. Yummy.  I had some leftover chicken and ingredients from Sunday, so I made it more to add to the leftovers. Between that and the chocolate curry coconut cake, I'm a happy camper.

I tweeted something Monday morning about my observation of men on the commuter train. A woman got onboard with her child.  The two men sitting next to the door immediately got up and gave her their seats. This RARELY happens unless the people are about 40 and over.  I hate that.  I was raised to give up the seats for elderly, women with children, etc.  Seeing young people who are able bodied ignoring it drives me nuts.  This is the true state of our union.  No one owes anyone anything yet that is forgotten.  I can only hope I am raising my kids to not be like those people.

Motivational Monday

I love this quote. Why? Because it is true - I am possible. You are possible. No matter what we may think is impossible - the word reassures us that the converse is true.  Honor it. Believe it. You ARE possible, just like I am.

This is my problem. I have a hard time giving up on people. Why? I believe change IS possible. I believe things CAN happen. I believe in miracles.  Believe in them.  Believe in people. It's a more positive way of living.

G and I were talking about this idea this weekend.  The Buddha teaches that we make ourselves miserable by what we want versus what we have.  When we accept and find happiness in what we have, we find true happiness instead of making ourselves miserable by longing for what we want - what we might have had - what we had that may have been great, but caused us grief.  Don't think too much.  Realize life IS simple.  Savor what makes you happy instead of what you once had.  Dwell in the now instead of over thinking.  Don't fixate on who things change - fixate on how things are good.  It is easy to find the bad in the world - fixate on what is good.

My mom used to say "kill them with kindness".  I used to think it was the wussy way out. Be nice in a way that kills them versus smack them alongside the head to achieve what was needed.  Now, I get it.   While I may not like how things have ended for me in the past, I have rarely been unable to look at myself in the mirror and felt I should have done something different.  I am kind.  I am sympathetic. I am who I am.  Yeah, I'm Popeye.  I know who I am, I refuse to apologize for it.  I am kind. I am sympathetic, and I am good at making others feel special - feel like they aren't the fuck-up they may  make themselves feel like.  Why? I see the potential.  I see what is possible. I kill people with kindness. Hate it when Mom is right.

And may others yield this warning on a Monday:

Observations as a New Employee

• The "It's a small world" music should be piped into this place.  This area is small in terms of developers and IT people, so running into so many people I've worked with in the past has been funny.
• Everything is setup as work groups.  And people are very openly vocal about, well, everything.  Headphones are a must.  May even have to find some noise cancelling ones.  Loudest workspace I have ever worked in.
• Most complex project I have ever worked as part of.  My sub project is one of 10 work streams that feed to the larger project.  My project itself is a 9 month project for phase 1 with an immediate phase 2 that goes live a month later.  It is no wonder everyone is stressed.
• Change requests are rampant as they capture business requirements missed.  There are over 100 that have been logged.  It has become a joke between the PMs as to who has the largest number in the queue.  I am, thankfully, NOT winning or even in the running.
• Fancy coffee machines may seem nice but are a pain in the ass. They have one that serves cup-by-cup custom coffee including flavorings, strengths, etc.  Nice idea. But waiting 30 min for a cup of coffee as the machine refills and resets itself is not helpful.  
• The bureaucracy for managing projects here is, well, insane.  Daily status updates by a certain time each day, weekly status updates by a certain time each week, validation that you are updating your project plan daily, validation that you are updating your issues daily.  I must spoon feed my team daily.  I will draw the line at wiping for them.  
• I have a very smart project team with the exception of my pain-in-the-ass princess.  She is a game player, believes she is the one truly in charge and to be served by the rest of the team.  This morning she tried to start lecturing me in front of the team about the fact, she believed, I jumped the gun before she was ready.  I squashed her in a way that didn't give her a complaint.  It was funny.  Whatever - I've dealt with her type before.  She is not my customer, so she serves me and the project team - not the other way around.  This will be fun.
• I work with more women than I have ever worked with. The team is actually split 50-50, but some how all the women and men were split in terms of where we sit.  Thank goodness for wireless as I may migrate myself.  The hens have been clucking at me all ready.
• The IT guy is going to hate me.  I have a laptop. That is it.  I cannot edit a huge project plan without an external mouse. I'm sorry, but the touch pad will not cut it. Oh, and a phone would also be nice.  and a monitor. I know, I know - I'm too demanding!
• But I will have to say having 100% free reign on my laptop has been very nice.  I missed it.  
• Skype is now my friend.
• It is weird having a desk with a trash can again.  Working for a "green company" for 18 months got me used to not making trash.
• My team is composed of Indian, Pakistani, and British people.  I am dealing with so many different accents that it's hard for my ear to switch gears as they start talking rapidly. I'll get used to it, I'm sure. But it's made for a fun first few days.
• I am, however, now craving Indian food - the kind that wafts from the lunch room which I'm near each day.  Mmmm.....Indian food.  I know what I'm making this weekend!
• For as large of a company as this is, it feels quite small.  20,000 people worldwide with 350 people here.  Definitely has a start-up feel.  And I like the fact these guys can laugh at each other and be blunt and all.  I worried when I took this job that I would hate it given the overall company size.  So far, it's not too bad.  But then again, getting a paycheck again helps TREMENDOUSLY!

HNT - Tree Songs

click to see the unedited version - the bruised version.

A few minutes ago every tree was excited, bowing to the roaring storm, waving, swirling, tossing their branches in glorious enthusiasm like worship. But though to the outer ear these trees are now silent, their songs never cease. 

~ John Muir

This is one of the photos we took on our weekend at the beach.  It was fun wandering around the empty beach naked with the sun on my skin and wind in my hair.  I did edit this photo because, well, I was quite bruised from last Thursday's fun by this day.  While I think the bruises are pretty, I know not all feel that way. 

Check with Os to see who else is playing this week.

Or OHNT for more fun.

Random Ramblings for Wednesday

First off, welcome back to Veronica over at ASM.  She had walked away from blogging, but came back. We knew she couldn't stay away.  May you find the balance of topic you are hoping for.

Today I start my job.  Should be interesting.  Their first question to me was about passive agressive people.  I am happy that I'll be working downtown again.  The train and I will be partners again.  I will be jumping into a project that is 18 months underway with a go live slated for the next 3-4 months.  (They are already moving the go-live from December 1st to the new date.)  The next few days will be me getting up to speed on the project.  Let's hope there is documentation.  Hahahahaaha....I amuse myself.

After work, I'm going to stop by the weekly kink gathering at a local bar that is blocks from my work.  I figure I get to celebrate my new job with a beer and some kinky conversation with friends.  Seems fair to me.

I have a partially written post about Geek Girl Con - the con we took the girls to with our friends a couple weeks ago.  It was a great con that has generated a lot of great conversation at the house.  Maybe one day I will finish it as I think it's relevant.

I am probably the only parent on the face of the earth that celebrated when I got my daughter's mid-term grades.  And not for the reasons people may think.  They broke down her grades into the areas being evaluated and included the grade for those areas - subgrades, if you will. She had several Fs.  Why am I celebrating? I am a believer that she needs to learn to fail. And she needs to subsequently learn how to climb back out of the hole. She needs to understand the work required to recover.  And she is.  I like that. And I'd rather she learn now than when she gets into high school where it will be harder.  Plus, learning to fail is important.  No false propping in this household.

Indigo had major melt down mode last night. I haven't seen her that overly emotional in a while.  DJ and I had to have a talk about it.  She had heard that girl scouts was starting up. Two moms are taking over where I left off after hearing what I went through.  Indigo thought that meant she was not going to be a brownie anymore.  I had to reassure her she was going to be.  We had to talk about why I wasn't the leader anymore.  She went back into the kitchen, and I heard her telling DJ "Moe wouldn't let that woman talk about our family like that.  I can't believe it."  DJ's response was something like "you've met our Moe, right?"

Over the weekend, G admitted that DJ has two boys who are following her around like puppy dogs.  As he said, if they had more game, they would be asking her out or at least tormenting her with emails and such.  One of the boys has a boundaries issue.  G is actually sitting back waiting for DJ to deck him.  It is one of those moments where the teachers will scold her while patting her on the back.  The kid needs it - and only another kid is going to fix it.  The teachers have tried without long-term success.  Should be interesting to see what happens.

I love my friend from college who I found out earlier this year was also in the BDSM scene.  Our text messages some days are entertaining and probably would worry some people.  Thursday, I did a scene with one of the more well known sadists at the kink party.  He left some pretty marks - and we only stopped when the paddle he used caused the cane mark to bleed.  This place is a zero-blood play space.  It was barely any blood really - I've bled more from accidental kink injuries (clothes pins) - but the policy is what it is, so we stopped.  I was already bruised after the scene - my ass was radiating heat.  And sitting the next day was far from comfortable.  Sunday, I texted her "my bruises are itchy."  Her response: "I love that only you would text that to me."  The next day when her play-wounds were in the same state, she sent me the same text.  Our back and forth is pretty humorous over it.  "I think our softball coach, in hindsight, was a sadist" was the start of one such exchange as was "Our mutual friend wanted to know if I did anything crazy on my birthday, so should I tell her about the spankings at the sex club and use such phrases as 'Emmy's boy friend' and 'G's girlfriend' and the '6-ft transexuals' to describe it?" She amuses me greatly.

And finally, I saw this photo:

It reminded me of the Christmas photos on my dad's side of the family.  My dad would request that the families of his siblings would pose together - giving the camera the finger.  No matter what age the people in the photo - they were required to throw the bird.  Going through family photos can be entertaining as a result.  It explains a lot, doesn't it?

Happy Wednesday!

Life's A Beach

Over the weekend, G and I went to the Oregon coast - just he and me.  The kids stayed with friends - good friends who even took over soccer mom duty for Indigo.  They did this so that we could go have a romantic weekend away in the VW Bus - for our anniversary.

When I was asked where we should go, there was a bit of "really? the coast in October?"  when I said where I wanted to go.  I think there were visions of us being stuck in the bus while it stormed outside - a common occurrence starting this time of the year.  But, he booked the campsite for two nights - and away we went.

This was the furthest trip the bus had gone.  Quite by accident really as we booked the place and literally forgot where exactly we had booked the site.  As we are on the freeway headed out to the coast highways, I was looking up on my phone where we were going.

We reached the coast while it was still light, found the site, and setup camp.  The site was perfect - literally right across the street from the beach.  And, even more perfect was the campground.  For the tent and VW campers, the sites were surrounded by bushes so that each site was private.  Good stuff.

Once camp was established, we opened the bottle of Penetration wine from the Naked Winery - a gift from friends and took our glasses on the beach where we toasted a good weekend.  Then the rain started as we made dinner and a fire.  It was post-dinner that we discovered the main thing we had forgotten - the rope.  The rope that G was going to use to tie me up - and suspend me with.  Fuck.

We ate toasted marshmallows in smores, then headed to bed.  We were both exhausted from the week.  We crawled into bed, under the covers, and made love as we listened to the rain hit the top of the VW bus.  Then we slept hard.

At about 3am, G woke up to go to the bathroom only to come back to say "honey, the moon is out - so are the stars, let's go for a walk on the beach!" Yes, I declined. I was tired and comfortable and warm.  So I enticed him back into the van for our own fun before we fell asleep.

We woke up late on Saturday morning, made coffee and ate pancakes and spam.  I should explain the spam.  I had bought it over the summer after the girls went on and on about not understanding what spam was.  And it sat in the cupboard until I tossed it, as a joke, into the food stuff for the trip.  We ate it for breakfast - G's first taste of spam.  After we cleaned up, we took our coffee to the beach for a walk.  It was sunny and warm and gorgeous.  So we did something we hadn't done for a while - we talked about everything - we laughed - we found things in the sand including 4 whole sand dollars (quite a feat on the coast given the rocky shores).  And we just kept walking.

Where we camped is a stop for the pelicans as they migrate south.  I knew that at the end of the cape we would see the huge flock of them. So we walked and walked until G said "you know, you could get naked here and no one would know. Pictures?"  So I stripped off my clothes, and we took pictures as I enjoyed the sun on my body.  Then we made love on the beach - the empty beach - as the waves crashed behind us.   After, we wandered some more before I put my clothes back on and we walked some more.

In the end, when we got back to camp, we figured we walked about 6 miles.  We were gone about 4hrs and could feel the starts of a sunburn on our faces.  Back at camp, we decided to drive further south to another cove where there was a microbrewery and another gorgeous beach.  We drove down there, had a beer in the sun on the patio, then headed back for a long nap.

After the nap, we opened a bottle of wine, gathered fire wood from the beach, started the fire and made dinner.  By the campfire, we talked some more - we laughed some more - and enjoyed the fire.  Then we climbed into bed for the night.

The next morning, we packed up camp to start our trek home. Our goal was to poke our way back - taking a scenic route and find a coffee shop along the way.  Landslides prevented this from happening, so we had to go back home sooner than expected.  We got back in town, unloaded the van, and found some lunch before getting the kids.

The trip was great. We needed that reconnect time.  When we did our annual negotiations the week before and again this past weekend, we both talked about our desire for balance.  This past year, things have not always been in balance for us.  We were doing too much of our own thing.  And while good, it eroded the time we had together.  Both of us agreed we needed to make sure this didn't happen anymore.  It is one thing to understand short term impacts, but the iron man training, for example, was 7 months of me not seeing much of him during the week as he was getting up at 4am and going to bed at 9pm at the latest.  G gave this an example of what he is not willing to do again as it would get us out of synch too much.

We got to exhale.  We needed to exhale.  And we needed to reconnect emotionally, mentally and physically.

We are blessed we got this time together.  We are blessed to have great friends willing to take the girls for the weekend.  We are already planning our next trip.  We are thinking about finding hot springs in December.

Can't wait!

Motivational Monday #27

It is really easy to go through a cycle and want to make a permanent decision. I am the master of wanting to do this when I'm upset especially, but also when I'm flying high on happiness.  I have tried hard not to allow myself to do it just then.  My perspective on things is not the best.  And I don't want to ruin what I have based on the here and now.  There are times to be impulsive, and there are times not to be.  Making life decisions in a moment of temporary feelings is not one of those times.  Trust me.  I have lost friends I regretted because of momentary anger or frustration.  Don't do it.  Not worth it.

Updated: Dana left a great comment that said simply that all feelings are temporary.  She also commented that this slogan would give her carte blanche to procrastinate forever.    This was my response:

You are right - they are always temporary.  That being said, I think this speaks to more of those flash-in-the-pan sudden emotions that make you want to make that sport of permanent decision immediately.  Those that will fade almost as quickly as they flared up.  Those are the ones to be careful of.

As are the ones where you know it will pass - you know it is only you - and making a decision that affects others while in the middle of a cycle you know will pass is unfair - or not what you want long term.  

I guess, at the end of the day, think through what you are about to do.  See it through to the very end - and make sure that what you are feeling like you want to do now will not have a long term effect that you don't want.  Then make your reaction accordingly.  

I love this quote.  Because it is so true.  In that moment of fear, taking the deep breath and jumping in anyway is true courage.

Do not let ANYONE make you believe otherwise.  If they try, remember they are projecting onto you - or they are trying to lesson your voice.  You are a force.  A force of good.  A force of justice.  A force of love and friendship.  Believe it - and fuck the rest who don't believe it.

I know I've posted this one before, but it's a good one to remember.  Do not let someone tempt you to fight back with fire.  It may feel like the right thing to do, but it will only enrage the blaze - not end it.  Use water.  Keep a cool head and point your hose to their flame.

And to end on a fun note:

A-fucking-men!
Happy Monday!

Letter of Thanks

Dear G, Domenico and Lili,

Thank you.

Thank you for giving me the love and support I have needed over the past few months when I've been beyond stressed about unemployment.

Thank you for loving me even when others would have punted me - like a baby bird out of the nest, isn't that the analogy you used, Domenico.  :)  Seriously though, I have never, in my life, felt the support I've had from you three.  When crazy was flying from me, you didn't run - you simply dug in and gave me the love and 2x4 that I needed in that moment.  You didn't mock me. You didn't roll your eyes (at least in my presence) - you just held on knowing this would pass.  Knowing it even when I was having a hard time believing it myself.

And thank you for believing in me when I was not believing in me.  When I hit a point of frustration, I no longer believed what I could achieve was achievable.  Yet, you all gave me hope. Gave me your good vibes and positive thoughts.  Thank you.

I love all three of you.  I could go down the individual support you guys have given me, but I think you know it without me listing it.  I am so very thankful that you make up my family and my chosen family.  You are special people.  And I apologize for the craziness - the stress - and the crap you've had to endure from me lately.  Thank you for enduring it instead of running.  I love you for that.

Lots of love,

Emmy


For my readers: I have been unemployed for the past several months.  Things were looking meek after a hire was cancelled by the company.  You all know I have not been in a good place, but you have no idea how bad it has been because, well, I have been sick of even writing or talking about it.  I interviewed for a position on Wednesday afternoon, and Thursday before 10am I got the offer.  By 2pm, I had it signed and delivered so that I could accept it.  Starting mid-week next week, I will be starting my new job.  Many crises have been averted.

Thank you all for bearing with me.
And thank you to those who have already sent their congratulations to me.

While some may feel that I am too grateful for what has been given to me by everyone  - that I am over compensating - I must tell you that my experience has shown me that when you don't have issues like this, that the first sign will result in people turning tail and running away.  The fact no one did that - but instead tried to help - was just an amazing thing - and showed me that the past can be overcome with people who care.  What a lovely surprise.

I am truly blessed.

You Know You're Kinky When...

Early this year, a close friend of mine from college and I discovered we were both in the BDSM scene.  A discovery made after I ran into her husband at kink night at the local sex club.  Until that point, we had not idea the other was into such things, so the discovery has been humorous and has led to a great number of conversations.  She and her husband opened up their marriage about a year ago while G and I are the “old hands” by comparison.

Recently, we started a back and forth conversation we have dubbed “early indicators we were really kinky”.  These are things in our growing up that should have told us we were on the kinkster path.  

My list so far is as follows:

• I always had a thing for bruises - showing them off that is.  Being a catcher provided some great ones.  On my thighs and shins.  And getting hit and still having to make the play definitely required a level of pain processing and in a hurry.
• Spending a lot of time reassuring people that “it really didn’t hurt” when something would happen in sports.  I’ve had more than my share of things happen that made others cringe and worry I was just being brave.  
• Almost breaking my ankle at 15 and showing my high pain tolerance to the doctor who didn’t think it was that bad because I wasn’t saying “ow” and making him stop. It wasn’t until my body took over and said no more - and I turned white - did the nurse make him stop and they realize they couldn’t count on me to tell them how bad it was. I was on a nice endorphin high, so I didn’t really notice.  
• When I discovered romance novels as a teen (otherwise known a society accept porn in a book), I spent lots of time rereading and getting off to power play scenes as well as consensual non-consensual scenes.  Those were my favorites.
• The way I used to deal with getting burned while at the pizza place.  I never freaked out but sort of dealt with it as I dealt with the situation I was in that led to the burn.  Most everyone else would freak out about every little thing.  Pain processing skills were quite good even at 16.  
• My brother and I used to hit each other with those plastic wiffle ball bats. No nerf bats for us.  And we would laugh as we did it. Until usually I would get him good, he would get pissed, then come after me trying to get me back. I would laugh my ass off.  
• Overall, the more physical a guy was with me - the more I liked it.  Pull my hair. Punch my arm.  Wrestle.  I would swoon.  You were my favorite person.  I used to say it was because I was a tomboy.  Now I know its because I was just kinky.  

It’s funny how hindsight is 20-20 like that.

Motivational Monday

No one is perfect.  Why we continue to strive for perfection while knowing it is not attainable?  Let yourself be happy instead of striving for what others consider as perfect.

You can't change the past.  You cannot dwell on it either or make people pay for what they did when years has gone by - and they and you have changed.  Not forgiving the past is pointless.  Why? Because, it's not going to change anything now.  You can't fix it.  It's in the past.  It's like deciding now that you really wanted to get an A in junior year english class.  Too late.  Move on.  You are a better person now. Hopefully they are too.  Put it to bed.

We focus on the wrong things sometimes.  We don't do what makes us happy because we focus on something else.  We hook up with the wrong people - people that stress us out instead of makes us smile.  We need to laugh not stress.  We need to love, not hate.  Seems like a simple recipe, but one, that I've found, works extremely well.  And makes like good.

And I'm not just talking about in sex or a kinky way.  Sometimes realizing you are not in control is freeing.  You just have to take the curve as it comes versus trying to control the curve.  You can only control yourself and your response to things.  The rest is all a spontaneous journey.  Enjoy the ride.

And a bit of Monday morning snark.  I think I will vow not to say them outloud - unless, well, the evil thoughts could make someone squirm.  Squirming is good.  I advise you to do the same.

Happy Monday!

16 Years

Today, 16 years ago, I married G.  We were young - I was 22, and he was 21.   We got married four months we graduated college and three months after we had moved to Oregon.  We flew back to Iowa where the wedding was planned, got married, flew home the next day, and went to work that Monday.  We were too poor to afford a honeymoon.  And neither of us had vacation days built up, so even if we could afford a honeymoon, we couldn't afford the time off.

I think about what we have been through - poor graduates trying to get on our feet, grad school, kids, house, family illness, and the usual family issues - and I am lucky to have someone who is definitely the ying to my yang.  He makes me a balanced person just as he would say I make him.

I cannot imagine this journey we have had with any other person.
I love you, G.
Happy Anniversary!

HNT - Post-It Note

I don't have post-it notes because I find that I write something important on them and lose them. So, at work and elsewhere, I write everything in a notebook.  And use post-it notes as flags.   But I do use these at work when I'm sorting papers that are important.  Functional notes.

I think this quote "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve love and affection"  by Buddha is something to do Today - ASAP.  I think we spend to much time worrying about giving love and affection to those around us that we forget we deserve it ourselves.

And not just in the self-love sort of way.  Though that way isn't bad either.  Especially if you buy yourself a drink first.  :-)

Check out the other people and their creativity with Post-It Notes by visiting Os.
Or OHNT for other types of fun.

I want...

....to feel the blade of your knife slide under my clothes and slice through them as you systematically cut away my outer layers as you find my skin.

...to feel your hand around my neck as you drag the blade across my body leaving little scratches, little trails that make me want to arch against it, but, at the same time, resist to avoid being scratched more.

...to feel your teeth follow that trail - the trail across my breasts, my nipples, down my belly, to my thighs.

....to feel your cock - in my hand, in my mouth, in my cunt.

....to feel your chest under my mouth and between my teeth.

... to feel your hands on my body as you grab and hold me down or strike me in the places that make me squirm and moan.

.....to laugh as you try to make me flinch.

....to swear as you hit that spot that makes me both moan and swear as I process the pain.

....to be under your control for the night - to give you what you need and to get what I need by giving.

My thoughts in bullets

• Hiring for the job I interviewed for is "on hold" indefinitely.  That was the last word I got on Friday afternoon as I lay in bed sick.  So, I'm back to square one.  It sucks, but it is what it is.  Nothing I can do about it.  What sucks is that they were clearly on the verge of offering me the job - all references were checked, just waiting for the final green light.   Back to my network of resources.  Shrug, it's all I can do.
• We hopefully hang the art in the gallery show at the local sex club tomorrow.  Too many changes led to too many delays led to a bit more last minute stress than we needed.  Fingers crossed that we can get this pulled together.  Since it is going to be a body painting exhibit, I get to spend all day there on Thursday.  Should be interesting given my company. 
• I'm almost done making DJ's costume for the Geek Girl Con this weekend.  Thankfully I was able to refashion them out of a turtle neck and a pair of shorts.  Refashion is just a fancy word for "hack sewing".  Instead of making the costume from scratch, I'm just modifying and cutting apart something already made.  Tomorrow, I dye it green.  And figure out how ambitious I am in terms of the variations of green.  There are two different kinds on the pants.  She is pretty happy so far.  And, I'm going to give my tween kudos - she is going for it.  The character is meant to show her belly - it's a very functional athletic type outfit.  DJ decided she was good doing that.  Granted, she is my bean pole with no fat on her, but the fact she is not body conscious is pretty cool. May she stay like that for a while.  Even G agreed that she looked perfect even if he did want to put her in a burqa.  
• My brother and I made up on Sunday.  After a couple of passive agressive things on Facebook, I decided instead of responding in writing, I would call him out directly by, well, calling him directly.  After some small talk, he finally said simply "I'm sorry. I miss you and G.  You guys helped me so much when you were in college and would come home and drag me out of the house. You didn't know it at the time, but you kept me from falling too much into the anxiety and depression by doing that. I don't know why you did it, but you put up with an emo teenager by making him go out and have fun - and looking back I enjoyed it so much.  Just want that again."  Then he acknowledged that in hindsight, flying at me the way he did was a bad idea given, well, if I had approached him in that way he would have gotten pissed too.  I got a nice note from my SIL the next day.  Guess we'll see how it goes.  Oh, and he has decided when he takes the motorcycle class soon to get is OR endorsement, he's dragging me along.  My dad may have another heart attack if two of his kids learn to ride.  
• I've taken over the operation of G's amazon store.  Twelve packages to ship out yesterday.  Got it done in about 5 minutes at the post office.  I could not have timed it more perfectly. And I got a postal worker who was not angry and lecturing which seems to be the norm for me.  I have a stack of books I had told him to list on his store. It's on my to-do list to see if he actually ever did it.  He loses track of his books sometimes, so I'm guessing no.
• The neighbor who runs a computer recycling business informed us that it will cost $40 to fix my old MacBookPro - the one that had an encounter with a glass of wine.  Wonder if he found all my naked pics on the laptop.  I realized it after I gave it to him that I never was able to pull the files off of the laptop because the keyboard stopped working and I didn't have a mac compatible one.  Plugging in the backup drive ensured I got the files backed up, but I could never delete anything. Oops.  Oh well, maybe it'll get me a discount.  
• I got rid of almost all of my remaining girl scout cookies last week.  A friend was over, commented on the pile, so I sent her home with half of what was left - about 10 boxes.  Last night, in return, she brought homemade banana bread. Yum!   I think I got the better end of that trade.
• G and I are going to go camping in the VW bus in a couple weeks.  Our anniversary getaway will be at the beach.  He scheduled it a few days ago.  It will either be a final push of nice weather or we will get storms.  Either way, I'm looking forward to a fire at night, waking up to coffee on the beach, and just bumming around.  Oh and testing suspension on the bus too.  
• I have a pet peeve on Twitter.  It is those people who Tweet that if you enjoy their tweets and photos that you should buy them something off their Amazon lists.  I've decided I may do my own version.  Except instead of encouraging people to buy me stuff, I'm going to encourage people to donate money to worthy causes.  I mean, if it's really that easy to get people to do that for you, why not use it for good rather than stuff.  I guess that's the difference between a 20-year-old's thinking and a 38-year-old's thinking.  Shrug.
• Finally I leave you with this...it made me giggle. Happy Tuesday!

Motivational Monday

And happy trees. But seriously, sometimes what feels like was mistake really put you on the path you needed to be on. Believe Bob Ross.  That man was Buddha with a paint brush.

I actually put this on my phone the other day as its background.  Why? Because it's sometimes hard to remember that you are sometimes mere moments away from things going the other way.  Giving up would risk prolonging everything.  Hang on.

I really found something in these words when I read them.  Why? Because what I hold inside always comes back to bite me in the ass - sometimes I feel like I am drowning.  I need to - just like most people - to figure out how to let them go so this doesn't happen.

Make this your goal for this Monday - to do something strange and extravant. Shake things up. Make it a great Monday instead of the usual Monday.