A Rant and A Challenge

<rant>

People in our 'blogging community' often wonder why we are seeing an erosion of bloggers.  Why readers seem to be down - comments seem to be down - and bloggers seem to be falling off the face of the earth at a more rapid rate than in the past.

Often time Twitter and Tumblr are cited as the reasons for this issue.  Those platforms make it too easy - make it so you don't have to sit down and think of a post to write from start to finish.  You can sit down and do quick thoughts throughout a day instead of that post pressure of yore.

But there is another reason overlooked.  It is the fact that we start wars with each others - wars of words and blame.  We can't just take the high road on the internet. No, why do that if you have a keyboard and a screen between you and your enemy of the moment.  

We read too much into something someone has said or not said.  We can't just ask questions. Nope. We have to assume and attack.  That is the preferred battle approach - assume and attack.  

And when our attack method is met with a parry back.  The response is "Oh, my God, can you believe so-and-so did something so childish??"  A great irony given it was a childish act that started the battle.  God forbid someone respond in like.

We call each other's babies ugly and get upset when the person whose baby is under attack responds or does not respond.  We don't ask thoughtful questions in private. Nah, why do that if it can make a blog post.

I have watched assumptions get made and people attack others way too much this past year.  The community of support has become a community of mockery and fighting.  

Why keep blogging if that is what your fellow bloggers are doing out there? They were once your friends and now your enemies.

Is it any wonder people are ditching it for Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr brings forth a new audience of people.  You can simply repost or post pictures. Or you can post ditties that may bring your followers to "Love it" or even comment.  Instant feedback.

On Twitter, it seems - if you want instant support, you have it.  Either way - actually - for things that require legitimate support as well as support for "OMG can you believe he said that" sort of posts.  It is funny to me how a platform can be both a high school yard and a bar at the same time.  

Regardless of your spiritual belief....love thy neighbor flew the coop a long time ago.  

And each time I see karma bite someone in the ass, I also see a person wonder aloud "how could that happen" without really any examination of their own actions.

(thanks Twitter)

For 2012, I challenge all the bloggers to rediscover community again. Embrace our differences.  Ask for clarification before blasting people.  Show the support you got when you started to blog - whether the blogger is new or old.  And finally, realize people have different opinions - and that's OK.  

</end rant>

HNT - El Fin

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.”

~Seneca

I started doing HNT two years ago after I realized I needed a way to let the sexual side of me out. I embraced what I had already been doing - and posted it on blog.  A sort of "accept me as I am or leave" approach.  While most believe HNT is purely done for traffic, I did it for me. I did it because I was celebrating my own acceptance.  I am not being tied down to this idea that a mom - a professional - a good wife - could not do HNT.  Nope. I was all of those thing including a sexual being.  

A new beginning for me began.  I was happier with my freer self.

I enjoyed the artistry that HNT allowed me.

And even though I was bound by my own imagination - I was not bound.  I was free.

And for that, I thank HNT - I thank Osbasso. Many of us - whether we play or not - found our artistic legs with this theme - HNT.

For that - I thank Osbasso.  Yes there has been drama. There have been hurt feelings. There have been spin offs, if you will. But the HNT forum is what allowed it to happen. Evolution occurred.  We cannot ignore that or deny it.  

So, as we say farewell, I applaud his theme.  

Thank you for making me think.

Thank you for giving me a chance to come out of my shell.

And I know - this is not the end, but a new beginning - for something else.

Happy Final HNT.

Go see who else is bidding it a fine farewell.

Or OHNT.

And who made the Hall of Fame.  (oh and the most revealing pic of me is on that one)

Wednesday Wanderings

I'm snarky today. I think I need a sign for my desk. I already apologized to several people this morning after the snark took over. Thankfully they found it funny.  It is flowing from my mouth too easily today.

I tweeted this overheard comment by a cohort "I don't buy material things". I would like to point out that he has the WHITE iPhone, the Ducati branded laptop bag, he speaks about his iPad more than he does about his kid, and he is constantly going on about the latest technology he is buying.  Good think he isn't into material things.

I love it when people take what I say, repeat it as their own, and forget that I'm sitting nearby and can hear them. 

After the project teams spent the entire holiday weekend working on getting functionality finished for testing on Tuesday, we learned that last week an upper level manager re-prioritized the list of must haves for this project.  The leader sent out an email saying "it is imperative that this information is communicated ASAP as I do not want people here working on de-prioritized items if they don't have to be."  Guess what wasn't sent out?  Guess how people are reacting?  I should mention the fun part of this whole thing. The son of this leader works with us - so guess who found out immediately that this wasn't communicated? Yep - the leader.  It's been a fun morning.

During the holidays, G and I played a fun game we called "what truths can we get away with telling".  It started when my SIL asked G what else, besides meat, is he starting to do.  He replied with "tall women".  She giggled since she's 5'11", and I giggled for entirely different reasons.  Thus started the game.  We had some cock and ball jokes, bondage jokes, the spanking comments were the most funny to me, followed closely by the smacks given with a wooden spoon where technique was discussed.  My youngest brother is pretty funny in terms of how he makes jokes, thus making it easy to play off.  The key for me? Not looking at G after the joke is made so I didn't laugh my ass off in a way to raise suspicion.

I am an addict to mandarin oranges. 

I discovered that after dealing with my mom and all that I crash ....hard.  And people get hit by it....sadly.  I spent a lot of yesterday apologizing for my emotional outburst that struck people at inopportune times.  Spending so much time focused on other people, doing things for them that I don't have time to do to myself, takes a lot out of me.  I imploded Monday night.  It was not pretty.  And I am still sorry. Hate it when it happens.

I got more photos from the photo shoot I did a few weeks back.  They are awesome! One in particular, I'll be posting later.  Amazing rope work by an amazing female rigger.  Female riggers are out there, but don't seem to get as much attention as the men.  It was fun working with one and having her work highlighted.  Good stuff.

Ok - back to work. Hope everyone is having a good hump day.  Hump and hump often to celebrate!

A Hard Holiday

"Mom, you have not had that much to eat or drink today."

That was how I spent my Friday and Saturday before Christmas - monitoring my mom's food and beverage intake.  Why? She had already been in the ER once last week.  Seeing how little she was consuming or drinking was making me wonder if another ER visit would be in our future before the weekend was up.

"I have so. I am not a child!" was my mom's response.

"You know what? I don't want my Merry Christmas to be spent in the ER while they rehydrate you - again! I know food and all tastes like crap - but you have to drink and eat anyway.  So what would you like?"  

At one point she was hiding from me in her bedroom.

Seeing my mom not able to keep herself warm, barely being able to stand, was driving me nuts.  Too many naps throughout the day.  Too many "be quiet for grandma" was being said.  Too many discussions with Dad about what we should make that maybe would entice her to eat.

It became clear - my mom was her own worst enemy.  

And there was nothing I could do but nag her.

And doing that was only making me feel better.

I had to remind my brothers that the phrase for what Mom is going through is "chronic illness".  There was no magic pill - only a magic regiment of meds and diet that was going to fix this. The problem is - they have to discover what that is through trial and error. And Mom wasn't helping things.

Saturday night, as we waited for the girls to go to sleep so that Santa could visit, I sat down and cried.  I wondered if us being there was the best thing.  Earlier in the day, we had gone to the department store to buy her a table top tree just so there would be something Christmas in the house.  We had spent a lot of time cooking food that would make her feel better.  And all I felt was stress.  All she was feeling was annoyance and discomfort and like she was in the middle of chaos.  And I was feeling like we were doing more harm than good.

And I was regretting the trip as all it was doing was giving me anxiety that I did not need.  

And this was my girls' time with grandma - seeing their mother nag them and Grandma.  

Fun.

Sunday proved to be a bit better.  With each bite or request my mom made, we all silently thanked the universe that she was requesting it.  We had all made a silent vow that we would do what you do with little kids when they are being temperamental - we were going to pretend we weren't noticing as we were all keeping track.  

She did better on Sunday, but was driving us all a bit crazy with her frustration with us.  But it wasn't stopping us completely - just making us change tactics.  It was hard for the kids though - the grandkids actually - because Grandma was being grumpy so they ended up ignoring her.  While I hated that for her, I couldn't blame the kids.  It's a kid reaction.  Grumpy adults are to be ignored.

The thing I was grateful for - my brothers learned that if they both bring alcohol to my parents' house that my mom won't say anything.  Beer is good.

Yesterday, she did better.  She actually was moving around.  She was getting her own food.  She was asking for more to drink.  Her color was good.  And I can only hope that trend continues.

All I know is that this was a hard Christmas for me.  Hard to see her hurt. Hard to have to fight with her.  Hard to get this all-to-real glimpse of what is to come in the future.  

While I am glad we went down there, on one hand, I am simultaneously wishing we had stayed home.  

It was hard.

Motivational Monday

It is really easy to compare what you are going through to someone else - and wonder why they don't have the issues, etc.  But remember that you are only seeing the highlights - what they have allowed you to see.  It isn't fair to yourself to compare your reality to their highlights.

Often times we won't way what we think because we are afraid it isn't what the person wants to hear - or we think they need to to hear something else.  Don't do that.  Doing that is dishonest to both of you.  Plus, let the person know your thought process - where you really stand.  It's hard but it's more honest than anything else you can do.

This sort of goes along with what is above.  If you are honest and truthful and coming from a good place, you cannot be responsible for someone else and their understanding of what you say.  You can only be responsible for the saying of it.  Come from a good place - say it with the best intentions - and you cannot be responsible for them.

Remember - no one gets out alive. Stop taking so much seriously.  Stand back - let it happen - laugh.  Enjoy the life you have.

Happy Boxing Day!

Merry Christmas

May your holiday be merry, kinky, vanilla, or whatever you want it to be.  And may you find under the tree whatever you had hoped for.

Merry Christmas!

Happy Festivus

I was going to do a post on the airing of the grievances portion of Festivus, but I'm in a good mood.  Why ruin it with trying to dig up things I'm not happy about.  

So instead, I'm going to count the good things that happened this week....

• Sunday - a nice relaxing day at home. We made homemade gifts, baked a bit, and just had an enjoyable relaxing day with a fire in the fireplace.  It was exactly what I needed to end the weekend.
• Monday - Last minute beers and dinner with a friend.  After a month of planning, we finally made it happen.  And it was a great evening.  Talks we needed to have - laughs we really needed to have.  Yeah, it was  good night.
• Tuesday - An evening without DJ resulted in an early dinner where we had great conversations with Indigo.  A night with all three of us curled up on the couch in front of the fire watching shows on tivo. Oh, and after Indigo went to bed, a great night of sex.  Can't beat an ending like that.
• Wednesday - Great day at work where I was able to jump in and help someone on a project....correction, take over that portion of the project and call bullshit on things and have others in awe.  Listening to the developers play this song for the developers from India - and singing along in their own chipmunk voices. Martinis with G before dinner with his parents.  A funny play (Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Christmas Carol).  
• Thursday - A message that made me smile - not because of content per say but because of what it means.  Lunch at a fancy French cafe (thank you contract company). Being told by my boss that I need to be a portfolio manager, not just a project manager, on the team.  Finishing a project plan for the infrastructure guys in record time and having them snap to when I ask them for deliverables. And realizing they delivered ahead of the expected time - they just didn't mention it.  
• Friday - Getting to travel to see my parents and brothers.  Spending Christmas with family - a low key family christmas.  

How's your week been going?

HNT - Three Wishes

Hmm.....this does get harder.....

For Mina at Secret Desire and At Longing's End, I wish for her a bandaid that would heal her heart.  Some of what she wrote after the recent breakup really hit home for how I was feeling, so I wish her healing and peace.

For Ashly, I wish for lots of donations for future Toys for Tot's drives.  Her passion for making sure kids have toys at Christmas is amazing.  Oh, and season tickets to the Stars.  I believe that good deeds should always be rewarded.

And finally, Average Chick - I wish for a night of sleep. Hell, I'll come over and watch you sweet little boy as you and your husband get a good night's sleep.  At a hotel. With room service.  You deserve it.  A great mom with an amazing little boy who has gone through so much.

And for everyone....a photo since I missed out last week....

Check out who else is playing at Osbasso.
Or OHNT for more fun.

Happy HNT!

Video Tape

I've been writing blurbs in a journal lately, here are some of my random writings. I'll share the entries periodically.  They are a bit different than my normal style, but I'm liking it.
Enjoy.

************************************************

The video tape in my mind starts playing sometimes....
.....when I least expect it.

The giggles and all play through it....
.....beers at the bar
.....jeep ride
.....walks from the bar or dinner, hand in hand.

The good plays through my mind, and I smile.

I feel blessed.

I feel happy to have those memories,
....on tape
....in my mind.

Then the other shit plays.

The looks.

The hurt.

The tears.

The discussions where we both are trying hard to communicate while at the same time we refuse to listen to the other.

I want to rip those out of my memory reel.

I want to burn them.

I want them gone.

'Cause while it's easy to agree to start again....
.....these memorie can make it hard.

So I do my best to rewind to these parts....
.....and record the new memories over them.

Motivational Monday

Use that picture to give you general guidance about big things - directional things, if you will.  But to use it to make absolutes in your life - things you know "will never happen" will simply ensure that when it happens you fight against that picture in your head.  Life is like riding a wave on a surf board.  What happens will happen - your control is over how you react to it.  Don't let that picture detract from your ride.

It is easy to stand in that storm and wonder and believe that nothing is ever going to change.  Don't believe it.  Put your head down into the wind and rain and keep pushing towards your end goal.  The storm will pass.  And there even may be another one.  De not let it detract you from where you want to go.

Sometimes all you can do is show someone what you mean - and hope they feel it.
Or get a 2x4 and make sure they feel it. :)

Think about how powerful this little change could have on you.  Not wishing but decided you WILL do something.  It's funny how much more empowering it is.  It's amazing how those little words will make a huge difference in how you perceive what can be done.

And finally - remember:

Happy Monday!

Week in Review

What a crazy week!

While I was away from the office last week, I got a call from my boss asking if I had any interest in taking over the integration project. That PM had accepted a project to oversee a huge project with many project managers.  They had been looking for her replacement when someone wondered if I would be interesting.  YES - oh GOD yes.  I'm bored to fucking death.  Please give me too much work.

I started transitioning to this project this week.  One day, my meetingless day turned into solid meetings.  It was quite amazing.

And the more I learned, the more my little geek heart sang.  This was totally up my alley - and I was geeky enough to know the technical pieces - so much so that the current PM announced I was more fit for this project than she was.

I have decided that when people are stressed - that people stop thinking and start freaking.  I spent an hour talking a PM off the ledge.  And the entire time was spent talking in circles.  I was about ready to go find a wall and beat my head against it.  It would have been less painful - and that is a comment from a masochist.

Oh, but let me back up.  I got back over the weekend - and got a call from a friend Sunday saying "I need you!"  She had helped a friend set up a photo shoot in a newish dungeon when the models never showed up.  "Come model for the photographers! We have rope."

I agreed.  Why not was my thought.  So I got tied up and partially suspended and all.  Good, fun stuff.  Weird but fun.

Here is one of them:

Wednesday was a fun night.  The weekly munch gathering down the street from work.  Great people. Great conversations. Great time.  New faces attended - including Lili which was lots of fun as we giggled at some of the people coming by. "Are you two together?" one guy asked.  Without a beat, we wrapped our arms around each other and said "yes."  His reaction was hilarious.

Everyone was leaving when I ended up behind The Sadist.  I started poking at him - returning the favor as he had done that to me earlier in the night.  He turned around to find out who was doing it, saw it was me, gave me a huge bear hug, then gave me a nice kiss.  He and I play and flirt in public. I've gotten lots of hugs and some kisses on the forehead from him as he's holding me after a public play session. But that's it.  To get that kiss from him surprised me.  We wrapped his arms around me, pulled me back into a hug, and started telling me he expected me to be at his upcoming party.  It's funny because we have flirted, and we flip each other shit all the time.  To have this be a reaction was a pleasant surprise.  Could be interesting.

And it looks like I have an "epic" party to attend for New Year's Eve.

Makes me squirmy just thinking about it.

Then Thursday night was the holiday concert for DJ and her middle school bandmates.  DJ has picked up the flute.  We have the lips and mouth shape for it.  Thanks Mom.  My mom was a flutist.  DJ rocked.  She was hoping they would let her wear jeans to the concert.  Nope, she wore a skirt.  And a black bra under a white blouse.  Guess I need to teach her not to do that.  But, she did declare that if she had to wear a skirt, that she was going to wear her combat boots. Correction, my combat boots. So she did.  As did two other friends.  Love it.

Oh, and her boy-friend also plays the flute. They sit next to each other.  G scowled at him.  I laughed at G and DJ. Then all the way home, I got to hear stories about him.  He said this. He did that.  Yeah, she doesn't have a crush at all.

So that has been my crazy week.  May you have a great Friday and an even greater, more relaxing weekend!



 

Re-Discovering my Photo Muse

Over the weekend, I did something I haven't done in quite a while - I took photos.  The river was calm - and the reflections in the water were perfect.  

I just had to shoot photographs.  Something interesting about the first photo?  See the second piling? There is a blue sign? That is where the water was in 1996.  I was out sandbagging when that happend.  Gives some interesting perspective especially when I mention that the water levels are normal right now.  

Treat people like mirrors & watch how you reflect in their eyes. 

-Nnamdi G. Osuagwu

Love many, trust a few, but always paddle your own canoe.

To carry his load without resting, not to be bothered by heat or cold and always be content: these three things we can learn from a donkey

~ Indian Proverb

I loved the donkeys at the Christmas Tree farm.  They were sweet and soft.  I keep having to remind the family that there will be no donkeys added to our urban farm - even if they are the size of a great dane.

Nor will there be one of these: 

No cows unless they are in our freezer - packaged in steaks, stew meat and other cuts.

Even Monday, I wished I had my camera.  

It's good to want to shoot again.

Motivational Monday

Not everyone feels comfortable wearing their heart and feelings on their sleeves.  Don't assume they are.  Admire them for sharing their feelings when they do.  For many of us, it is a big deal when we share how our emotions work.  It means we trust you enough to share them - and it took a lot for us to do it even with that trust.

Just because you are a fuck-up in life does not mean you do not have a future.  It means you have further to go in some cases, but up is a great direction.  Most of the greats have a great story to tell too.

I love this. Such a great lesson about selflessness and love that it is true.  The world only gets brighter when you embrace those two things and let go of the idea that you are owed.

And my final thought for this Monday is this:

Friday Snark

AMEN!  I like this idea so much.

This is just good advice:

I can think of a few people who need this gift:

Yeah, Yoda would fuck things up:

And finally....

Happy Friday!

Visiting Mom

"Go. You don't even have to finish the statement - go be with your mom."

My boss all but escorted me out of the building.  Before I left, I let a few people know in person that I'd be out of the office working remotely for the next couple days.  Each one told me to go - dump my work on them if I need to - and one made me put his number in my phone so I can call when I need help.

I love this team.  I love this management team too.  While chaos is king, they still make sure people have their priorities straight.  They have booted sick people out of the building.  Forcibly taken away their work so that they have to rest.  Got to appreciate that attitude.

In my case, they don't have to do this at all.  I'm a contractor. They could boot me and replace me.  Instead, they are taking care of me just as if I'm an employee.

But, I digress.....

I left, hastily packed, and drove down to the hospital my mom was in - 3 hrs away.  I walked into the room and saw this pale, yellowish frail woman in bed that sounded like my mom - but did not look like her.  They were taking vitals, giving her meds and seeing how much she had eaten. The nurse had also just brought her another warmed blanket because she was freezing.

She saw me and lit up a bit.  I had brought my laptop and camera in for the car.  I lifted up the camera like I was going to take a picture and announced that I was also here to make sure the christmas cards got done - "Say Mistletoe".  My mom, my dad and the nurse started laughing.

After the nurse left, I gave Mom a huge hug.  She kept saying over and over again she was happy I was there.  After I tucked the blankets back around her, my dad handed me the information packet.  She had a new diagnosis to add to the old one - not a replacement one as expected but a brand spanking new one on top of it.

Ulcers.  Ulcers she will always have to manage for the rest of her life.

Unlike and upper GI ulcer, they don't understand this one.  The reasons can be anything from hereditary to environmental to side effect of an illness.  They clearly state they do not understand it.  All they do understand is how to manage it.

I was only there 45 minutes before Dad declared that it was time she napped.  And we left.

We got into the house when my dad grabbed me and pulled me into a hug.  His voice was shaky and I could tell her was teary eyed as he told me that they needed me here.  They have been so worried.  Having me down here was exactly what they both needed.  After a few minutes, he let go of me - and he started talking about other stuff - doing the guy thing to change the subject.

I discovered he had not eaten since maybe 7am.  It was about 3pm by this point, so we met up with my brother and niece and grabbed lunch.

I freaked out my niece because she didn't recognize me with the hair gone and it being a different color.  She finally warmed up to me at lunch and then I became her favorite person at the hospital.

My brother and SIL are like behavior nazis with their 3 year old daughter.  While I don't disagree with what their aim is, their approach is fucked up.  Also, they don't pick their battles at all.  So, when we got to the hospital, I knew this could become stressful as my brother busted her ass the whole time and my dad and I fought to keep our tongues.  My brother had brought nothing for her to do, so I started showing her how to have fun with nitrile gloves.  We blew them up and put faces on them.  I put them on her feet and she waddled around.  I put them on her hands, and taught her to tell my brother to turn his head and cough.  She had a blast.  And we had my mom laughing hysterically as was my dad.

Mom was definitely a different woman when we were there that night.  She was teasing my dad.  She was laughing. She looked good. She was eating.  She had more energy.  Good stuff.

I attached her turkey gloves to my niece's shoes before she left and she waddled out of the room and hospital like that.  The nurses laughed so hard they were crying.  Mom joined them too.  Then, while watching the weather report, my dad and I started quoting Airplane  - specific Johnny - the crazy guy with great one-liners who was in the control tower.  We were giggle are asses off as we surprised each other with what we remembered. Mom was laughing at us.

Food makes my mom feel better but she can only eat a few bites at a time and it leads to minor pain that makes her body shiver as she works through it all.  She curled up under a blanket as we watched Jeopardy.  Then she did something that surprised us - she asked for more food.  And at all of it.

We could tell she was getting tired again.  Dad declared visiting hours over - and we headed back to the house.

It was good to see them both in a good mood.  Good to see my mom's mood improve.  She was sounding depressed which made me worried.  My dad and little brother both made the same comment to me.  We are all going to keep an eye on that. But we are pretty sure that her getting better will help that.

Wednesday Ramblings

• Mom is in the hospital - again.  I have lost count of how many times she has been in the hospital over the last 6 weeks.  They admitted her yesterday not sure what is going on.  She can't keep potassium levels where they should be.  And the tests for what they thought she had are producing results that don't make sense.  At this point, they are redoing all tests assuming they missed something.  She is depressed and frustrated.  I can only hope they sort it out so they can get her well.  I worry and fear for the worst.

• Eureka's cartoon episode was hilarious.  I was impressed with how they did it.

• Indigo got in trouble for hitting a boy yesterday. Yes, my daughter was in trouble for fighting.  In the end, the boy admitted that he was in the wrong.  And she didn't get into trouble. The irony? Based on what we heard - she was the one to blame.  Can't fool the parents.

• I'm getting the fucked up project at work.  Sigh.  I knew it was going to happen which is why I've been keeping my fingers in it. But still. Crazy projects are me.

• I like this and feel several peopled need it:

• After almost 10 days, most of my bruises have faded from the play party. Just in time for another one.  I love my life.

• I am so behind reading blogs lately - I feel bad.  I'm happy if I can get an HNT and regular post posted.  My apologies if people are feeling neglected. Life is getting in the way - it isn't any personal - I promise.

• Ashly is 9 days away from being done with her Toys for Tots drive. Go over and give her a few bucks to support this great cause.  She is amazing -  and I'm always happy to support her each year.  

• Sunday night was a grand night. Maybe if I find some time, I'll write a little something about it.  Threesomes are fun. 

Happy Hump Day!

Being Me

Being Emmy

“Just be Emmy” was the comment G made one night as we were going to a swinger gathering all of those years ago.  Just be Emmy.  

When I later asked him what that meant, he replied simply that Emmy was the person he saw all the time.  This was a person that loved freely, was open, was emotional, was self assured in her sexuality, was assertive, was kind, was a geek, was a mom, was all of those thing that I am rolled into a single person.  That is - this is - who is Emmy.

What others usually see, he pointed out, is a side of Emmy - but not the whole Emmy.  I am more guarded. I listen more than I talk in some cases.  I’m ubber assertive and dominant in other cases.  Each facet of my life had a version of Emmy which was never really who I was.

I recall writing a post a couple years ago where I explain how I needed to - on blog at least - be me - all of me - no hiding anything.  It was when I started writing about our exploits - about my exploits while not abandoning the other parts of me.  The blog was one place where I could be Emmy - all that Emmy is - without worry or at least care.

Emmy is who I am. And I don’t apologize for her.

I soon started showing more people in my life Emmy.  People who knew the sexual and kinky side of me got to see all of Emmy.  I had nothing to hide from them, so why not toss it all out there was my thinking.  And Emmy was embraced.  People gravitated towards Emmy because she was self assured, self aware, honest, and funny.  They laughed when I laughed.  It became easier and easier to be Emmy more full-time in my real life.  Where I was suppressing little of myself instead of most.  

A few days after a recent play party, I had drop - major drop - I was overly tired from a long day of work and all, I was in an emotionally raw space, and I curled up on the couch next to G and we cuddled under a blanket.  I started babbling at him.  Talking about everything bouncing around in my head.  All of the inner conflict I have been faced with - conflict that is a result of the last four months.  Conflict that all centers around trying to still be Emmy while protecting Emmy.

“Emmy has been back again. Don’t stop being her. It makes me happy that people get to see you as I get to see you - don’t let life’s bumps take that away from people.”

Old habits do die hard.  I am trying so hard not to go back to my usual defense mechanisms.  I’m trying hard not to pull away from people - or keep them at arm’s length.  I am trying hard to stay involved.  I am trying hard to not retreat inward because, well, I like Emmy too.  And crawling back into my shell is not something I want even if it does feel safer.

After I recovered from my drop, I went to a weekly event - a munch - where we all hang out, have a drink or two, and talk with “like minded people in the community”.  It is funny how I used to be nervous about going alone, but now I feel like I’m going to a friend’s house.  It is a great feeling.

I was in a snarky, funny mood - a great mood actually - and was having some great conversations with people.  The couple I was talking with had laughed that he must not have seen me before because I draw people to me and don’t have to linger.  I laughed - that never happens - and we continued to talk.

And what happened?  People started coming to us.  People were hearing us laughing and energetic, so were coming to join in.  I got up at one point to go to the bathroom when I got caught by arms of people pulling me in for hugs and not letting me go.  And we all talked and laughed.  I felt how powerful Emmy could be.

A feeling I had lost with the stress and all over the past 4-5 months.

Despite all of my inner conflict and desires to pull away and rebuild the brick wall around myself, it reminded me that it is because I didn’t do that - because I didn’t rebuild that brick wall - that allows me to have nights like that one.  It allows me to laugh freely - and be snarky - and make people laugh with my laugh - and make people smile and want to be near me.  

It’s funny how words find you when you need them.  I read recently that being in the moment is choosing vulnerability over fear.  Choosing vulnerability means choosing joy, choosing gratitude for where life is right now, choosing love, choosing light over dark, and choosing now.  It means rejecting fear of the unknown, fear of what could be, fear of the dark, and fear of tomorrow.  

And for me, that vulnerability is what makes me what to put up the walls.  Putting oneself out there and risking the hurt that could come along with the happy and the joy is a hard risk.  Being in the moment instead of worrying about the next thing is hard - it means accepting what you have right now instead of pining for the next thing.  And not pining means that next thing may not happen.  

But living in the what-if world versus the world today means missing today. It means missing the joy. It means not savoring the moment because you are already moving on from that moment instead of enjoying it.  It means unhappiness because you are fixated on what you could have.  

This is what “being is”.

And for me - it is what “being Emmy” is.

It’s savoring the moment - embracing the vulnerability - and allowing it all to light that inner fire in me that draws in the good like a moth to a flame.

I won’t ever claim that “being” is easy.

Hurt due to allowing one to be vulnerable is hard.  It makes one want to go back to the old ways.

But, for me, I like Emmy more than the old me.

So, I will risk it.

Motivational Monday

I like that - kindsight. Not questioning the thinking that got you into the situation, but instead focusing on what you learned from it.  Sometimes it is the outcome the deters your actions in the future. Learn from the outcome instead of beating yourself up fro the stupid thinking that lead to it.  

I am a firm believer of this one.  People who are caught in a cycle of actions are often encouraged to stay there because everyone treats them as though their actions are the only thing that defines them.  This prevents them from breaking the cycle.  Treat people as though they are capable of becoming what they are trying to become.  Treating them like a fuck up instead of a capable person, for example, just keeps them in that mindset.  Don't contribute to it.

This reminds me of my friend TL and something he said to me once.  Don't alway listen to the words - also look at the person . Think about how good they are - how they come from a good place.  People make mistakes, but if the rest of the stuff is always good - you have to give the person a chance to be human and make those occasional mistakes.  It's how life works.

Amen!
Happy Monday!

Irony

Friday I saw an update on Facebook from my dad "Wife is back at the hospital - hope they get it sorted out this time."

From the way it was posted, I could tell he had posted it from his cell phone.  Seeing that he was now using his cell phone, not to call, but to post a Facebook update, I was annoyed.  I thought I had taken care of this issue while I was down there a few weeks ago.  I cornered both parents and expressed my annoyance at their lack of communication when she has been in the hospital.  I told my dad that it was his conscious he was going to have to live with if something happened to Mom and he never gave me a chance to see her because "there was nothing to tell".  This stopped him in his tracks.

Seeing the Facebook update pissed me off.

I talked to my brother today.  He told me how he didn't find out about Mom until he saw the Facebook update after work.  He called and yelled at both of them for not calling. Dad's comment was "I was playing with the phone - all was fine."

Turns out the other brother never got a call either.  And he flipped out after seeing the Facebook update after he got home from work.

"Can you believe they didn't call us??" he asked frustrated.

"Yeah, because I have been left out of the loop most of the time over the past few months where mom is concerned.  Can I believe it? I can.  Does it piss me off? Yes."

There was silence on the phone. I could hear my niece in the background talking to my SIL.

"I'll make sure you get called next time because not being in the loop sucks ass."

I thanked him for doing that.

It's quite ironic that it took both of them experiencing the lack of communication during a health crisis for them to finally "get it."

Let's hope they truly did get it.

Or if they don't, let's hope nothing happens to my mom as they will have to live with the fact they didn't call.  And I will spend a lot of time making sure they remember what they did.

HNT - 20 Years

photo taken that year by a friend.  G and me - our photographer friend won an award for this photo - in the pre-digital age he captured us as we were.  Perfectly.

Twenty is the number of years G and I have been together.

Twenty fucking years.

Literally and figuratively.

Damn.

We started dating 20 years ago.  Two freshman in college who were friends - horny friends who finally said fuck-it, cast off the other crap, I mean people, we were dating - and started dating each other.

I remember someone asking me why I liked this guy. I explained that he was one of the few people who would go out of his way to figure out how to make me smile when I was having a shitty day.  He listened then bought me flowers.

And that's what he did for me when we called each other "friends".

We spent many a night talking all night.  I helped him get ready for dates as he was trying to impress his flavor of the week, then would listen to him recap the night after it ended.  I recall thinking he would be quite the catch is someone would realize it.

Guess I was talking to myself.  Thankfully I realized it.

Does it feel like twenty years?

Not at all.

It feels like we just met yesterday.

It feels like we are still the horny teenagers trying to find a moment alone so we could fuck each other's brains out.  And that feeling is sometimes intensified when we hear a knock at our door as we are trying to sneak in a quickie while the kids are distracted.

And, just like I felt all of those years ago - G will still do anything he can to make me happy. Even if it means calling in reinforcements.  He wants me happy.  He wants me laughing. He wants me smiling.  And he does what he can to make sure those things happen.

And like I did all those years ago, I like listening to his stories. I like listening to the way his brain works. His trivia facts.  His comic frustration.

I am happy that all of those years ago, we threw caution to the wind and jumped in to a relationship.

I cannot image my life without him.

I never would have guessed that this would have been the story I would be telling now - all those 20 year ago.