Type-A

I had a conversation with someone on Sunday.  We were working on an upcoming event when he asked "are you a type A personality?"

I explained that part of me is but part is not.  While I can be a dog on a bone when I want something, I have a point of diminishing returns that makes me stop.  Probably meaning I am not quite it.

"But are you the hardest on yourself? Is your self criticism worse than what anyone can say to you?"

I was amazed at the question.  It was a good one.  A question that really shows you the inside of a person.

Yes.

I am my harshest critic.

There is not a thought or a feeling that I won't question even after expressed.

I will always regret not handling a situation differently.

I will always worry that I didn't say the right thing or do the right thing.

Even if assured I did both of those things correctly.

I am my harshest coach.

I expect more from me than any one person could.

When I say I am not that person, I am the one who will hold myself to the standards I set for myself - above and beyond what is reasonable.

It's funny how a conversation like that comes back to haunt you.

It's funny how a situation can arise that makes you feel unworthy - makes you feel like you aren't holding yourself to a high enough standard.

Can make you feel like a failure in all of that.

I remember a softball game I played once.  When the game ended, I came off the field angry.  Why? Because I had failed the team. I had missed a wild pitch - a wild pitch - not an error - but a wild pitch - and it ruined my whole game. Someone scored - it was my fault - and so I was pissed.

The game I play according to my dad was one where I committed no errors. I had 3 RBIs including scoring the tying and the winning run for the game. It was one of the best games of my career.

Yet, in my head, it was the worst.

I am my own enemy.

I will always hold myself to higher standards than anyone can hold me.

And when I think I'm being the most unreasonable, I have been told I am not...

Yet I don't believe.

Yeah, I'm a type A personality.

And at times - at times, I don't believe it is enough.